Just a (Transplanted to a) Small Town Girl...

So, I'm blogging a about a blog...

2009-10-12T19:43:00.000-07:00

If you're a man and you like women, read this: Guest Blogger Starling: Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced. It says everything I would love to say to any man who wants to approach a woman and not freak her out. It also may raise a dude's level of sensitivity in regards to the female experience.

And a sensitive dude is a dude that has a chance at getting in my pants.

Mmmm..Cake

2009-10-06T15:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, I wish I was this cool when I was a teenager. And by cool, I'm talking about being a British teenager in a ukulele band. Enjoy Rocky and Balls' Love Cake:

Now I want some love cake.

Absolute Numbers

2009-10-04T16:11:00.000-07:00

I'm taking Math 10. I need to take statistics to graduate with a BA in psychology and since I haven't taken a math class since the Clinton administration I'm forced to start with Math 10. Math 10 is the lowest math class that my university has to offer. After that I have to take Math 11 and Math 12, get a C or better and then I'll be given the blessing to take statistics. That's a whole year of math. When I planned out my last year or so of school I didn't plan on taking a year of math. I thought I'd take the math placement and maybe I'd get into Math 12 or at the worst Math 11. Nope. Math 10. This extra year is another casualty of my oddly high, and usually proven unwarranted, self-confidence in my abilities.*

Our first lesson was fractions. Fractions. I had to re-learn how to multiply, divide, add and subtract fractions. Its okay, I like fractions. Yet it's humiliating in a chick-lit heroine kind of way. Bridget Jones goes back to school; watch her make a fool out of herself! The positive aspect of this is that I have learned to sustain a quiet dignity that keeps me from weeping into my pillow and pulling the covers over my head forever.

What keeps me doing this is that I'm determined to follow this path as long as it takes me to get where I want to go. I haven't felt this way since I was a born-again Christian determined to do God's will. There was an indescribable force that compelled me forward, a belief in what my purpose was, when I was Christian that kept me moving forward. I'm an atheist so I don't believe that force is God rather I think that, like Dorothy's ruby slippers, I had the power the whole time.

But damn, couldn't I have figured this out ten years ago? Really, I didn't have to go through all those years of aimlessness in the theater department, be fired a shitload of times, or move back in with my parents...that was kinda overkill, ya know?

*I also tend to pile unusually high amounts of food on my plate at buffets, turn my first workout in six months into a two hour long session of running, biking and weight training, and plan a complete three room overhaul in one Saturday afternoon.

I don't know how this happened...

2009-10-01T14:21:00.000-07:00

I call people back and return emails. I don't put off my homework, financial aid forms or car repairs anymore. I wake up early and get to class on time. I've been finding ways to make my money last rather than spend it in a nihilistic manner. I'm eating more healthy foods than unhealthy. I'm planning on going to the doctor to get my thyroid levels checked out. I'm not scared of boys (or men) and relationships. I'm reaching out to people I've lost touch with. I'm letting go of people who've let go of me. I'm getting angry and taking action when I'm treated unfairly. I'm thinking critically. I have passion. I feel like a worthwhile person that has something to offer the world.

Let me tell you, this is a big change from a few years ago. I was so weighted down with the heavy burden of my own life. I resented anyone who wanted anything from me because I felt like I had nothing to give. I was a ghost of a person, an illusion. Now, I'm solid.

Whew!

2009-09-17T14:10:00.000-07:00

Got the stupid math class.

That means in five quarters I'll be done with school.

All I need is my loan check.

Then it'll be time to party...as long as I don't have to spend more than $56.

This is a good day.

Being denied entrance into the lowest-level math class was the last straw.

2009-08-12T21:12:00.001-07:00

That's it.

I'm tired of this.

I'm tired of living with my parents. I'm tired of being poor. I'm tired of having to explain myself all the time. I'm tired of everyone saying how proud they are that I've finally figured out my life. I'm tired of constant humiliation and embarrassment. I'm tired of justifying myself. I'm tired of school. I'm tired of being alone. I want to go on vacation. I want a boyfriend. I want to finish my senior project. I want to finish school. I want to get the classes I want without all the bureaucratic bullshit. I want to fit into my skinny jeans. I want to be financially secure. I want a job. I want to help women. I want to do research. I want to finish my math classes. I want all of this to be done. I want to get laid. I want something easy to do. I want to sleep. I'm tired of wanting. I'm tired of not ever feeling satisfied. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of being misunderstood. I'm tired of being the strong, supportive friend. I want to be the mess for a while. I want everyone to stop worrying about me. I want people to have faith in me. I want a boy I like to like me back. I'm tired of television. I'm tired of seeing people have a life. I want a life of my own. I want Joe to sing me more songs. I don't want to be someone's plan-B. I want a vacation. I want more money. I want to go to sleep.

Blogs for Blogs!

2009-07-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

I've been reading this very interesting blog Everysaturdaymorning about what life is like for the escorts at a clinic that provides abortions. The aggressive tactics of the "protesters" seem way more psychologically damaging than an abortion. Even if you're anti-abortion, to harrass women in a very difficult time in their life seems to go against the religious concepts of "love the sinner, hate the sin", "he who is without sin cast the first stone" and even the idea that God gives us all free-will. Women are smart enough to make this choice and anyone who claims to know better is just a jackass and a bully.

Source: Jezebel

Such a Pretty Mess...

2009-07-09T18:47:00.000-07:00

I think I'm gonna be completely vain for a while. I've been focusing so much on the cerebral that I think I've all but completely ignored the shallow and vain. My skin has gone to shit, I've gained weight and my style, well, it's a bit dated. I'm gonna paint my nails, slather my body in lotion, wear face masks that de-clog my pores, work out five days a week, eat healthy, get my hair cut every three months, floss daily, remove the hair from my body, spray tan, and gloss everything that can be glossed.

Yes, I'm still a feminist. I'm just bored. I have nothing to do! Once September starts I'm going back to the halls of academia again, but for the next few months color me shallow because I'm gonna shine! Literally, I'm gonna reflect the light from all the gloss...

Most likely I'll end up remember why I quit all that high-maintenance crap in the first place and return to my low-key self...

To get us all in the mood for vanity here's some Vanity!

Want. To. See...

2009-06-19T11:55:00.000-07:00

...Zombieland

Check it out:

Yay!

I've noticed...

2009-06-07T22:30:00.001-07:00

...that since taking Abnormal Psychology I've developed a habit of yelling out various disorders at the TV the way one might yell "Don't go in that room, ya idiot!". For example while watching Friends:

Monica = Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder
Chandler = Social Anxiety Disorder
Phoebe = Schizotypal Personality Disorder

Roseanne:

The episode where Darlene starts high school and wears black all the time = Adjustment Disorder

The Hills:

The entire cast = Narcissistic/Histrionic Personality Disorder

Okay, I don't really watch The Hills, so I'm taking an educated guess there...

Here's a fun website, enjoy!

Reason # 578 That Women Should Rule the World

2009-05-29T19:19:00.000-07:00

Men's brains turn off while talking to attractive women. Suprisingly enough women's performance stayed the same. I've seen this happen a few times when I've worn a low cut blouse.

How men ever got to be in charge is beyond me...

(Source: Jezebel)

Ooo, swish!

2009-05-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

1930's ideas of what fashion will be like in the year 2000 (which always makes me think of this) and it's not too far off:

It basically described iPhones and the ever so tacky fanny packs for men and mesh dresses, slacks, and backward heels for women. Now, I don't know if I'll ever wear that headlight so I can spot an honest man, though...

Sexy Time!

2009-05-14T00:24:00.000-07:00

I found this article on Feministing.com which makes me feel smug. It basically explains why I rock in bed. Cause I do. (i.e.: I always come, always)

Pregnant Women are Smug

2009-05-01T15:20:00.000-07:00

My sister just had a kiddo and while I'm really happy to have my nephew I have to admit that pregnancy doesn't seem that special to me. I know that we need to continue the species and everything, but for me it's...meh. I think my life is pretty cool and getting even cooler as I travel down my current path, but I feel like nothing I do is ever gonna make my family as excited as they are now that my nephew is born. I get it though, he's great. He's our DNA moving forward. He's Brand New Person! We talk about him and smile. We buy him little clothes and shoes. We talk about his pooping habits. When we make him smile it's like a little piece of happiness that only belongs to us.

...But the whole cult of pregnancy is just creepy! Getting pregnant is not that special, really. Most women can do it. I think how I feel about it is neatly summed up in this video:

Love it! So funny.

HEY!

2009-04-23T15:05:00.000-07:00

Watch some funny videos. What else have you got to do today?

Muppets Eleven:

I will never be this happy and satisfied:

Am I a Boy or Girl?:

And this one isn't really funny...For My Girlfriends:

Blah, blah, blah...

2009-03-20T18:15:00.000-07:00

Blah, blah, blah, school, blah, blah, blah, finals, blah. Blah, blah, blah, tired as fuck, blah, blah, sick as a dog, blah. Blah, blah, blah, Spring Break! Blah, blah, blah, fuck yeah! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

That's about it.

Am I evil?

2009-03-06T15:22:00.000-08:00

Because I think this is really funny?

Howard

2009-02-23T00:05:00.000-08:00

We have a new addition to our puppy family, Howard. His full name is Howard HeyBoy (don't ask). Anyways, he sleeps with me every night and loves to play with our other dog, Gwennie:

Fucking precious, right?

Somebody's Getting Married!

2009-02-18T20:42:00.001-08:00

This is a big congrats to my friends Kathy and Michael! Every time I think about them getting married this song from Muppets Take Manhattan goes through my head:

Congrats you two! I love you and am so happy for you both!

I love technology...

2009-02-08T18:21:00.000-08:00

A video from my little digital camera (Yeah, I know, it's sideways):

And, yes, that is my family talking about pooping and farting. We are a classy bunch.

Ah, the memories...

2009-02-06T21:28:00.000-08:00

When I was in London in a semester abroad program I decided to go to Rome by myself. Mostly I went alone because I didn't get along with many people in my program which was due to my overwhelming depression. I wasn't much fun to be around what with all the bleakness, crying, and staring off into space, so I spent a lot of time by myself. Plus, I didn't like anyone there either. They were all...happy. Ick.

Anyhoo, I arrived in Rome for my weekend holiday and after a day and a half of walking around I decided to spend some time alone in my hotel room. You know, thinking bleak thoughts, crying and staring off into space. I watched some television (you haven't lived until you've seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer in Italian) and the only thing in English was a music video channel. This video, Sophie Ellis-Bextor's Murder on the Dancefloor, just grew on me.

The first thing I did when I got back to London was find the CD and listen to it over and over again. That song and Kylie Minogue's Can't Get You out of My Head managed, in the way only upbeat pop music can, gave me a synthetic energy to wake up in the morning. When I heard Murder on the Dancefloor, I was reminded of my trip to Rome, my first real act of independence at that moment of my life. I think if I didn't go to Europe I wouldn't be the person I am now. And I actually like the person I am now.

So here's the little video that moved me so much:

Ah, I guess you had to be there...

The week that didn't happen...

2009-01-24T21:15:00.000-08:00

It's like this week never happened...it's like one night I was watching Gary, Unmarried thinking to myself, 'Why am I watching this crap?' and then time fast forwarded and there I was again watching Gary, Unmarried thinking, "Didn't I watch this crap TV show last week?"

This week was a blur of class, homework, a new president, working out, and TV watching.

I need to plug in again cause it's like I'm driving cruise control on the way to Vegas.

Couldn't have said it better myself...

2009-01-21T18:14:00.000-08:00

...and I really wish it was me.

I saw the book "He's Just Not That Into You" in Barnes and Noble yesterday and in a moment of sad pathetic girly-ness I skimmed over the first chaper called "If he doesn't call you, he's just not that into you". As I read it I felt myself get anxious and nervous on that beautiful inauguration day. I shut the book, shook it off and walked away.

Kala, girl...I love you. Thanks for saying what I felt about that book but wasn't able to articulate:

For the women, depressing, yes, that their objects of wedding and child fantasies couldn’t care less about them, but still, empowering, because they could just let it go, already. He’s just not that into me. Well you know what, ladies. Greg was right. In all fairness, this is a very astute observation. Most of the time, sure, if a guy is interested in you, you will know. All the bullshitting and pussyfooting around is just guy-speak for “leave me the hell alone, please.” Here is what irks me to no end. This Greg person, he of frosted tips, dual pierced ears and the worst of jackass soul patches (seriously, Google him) is capitalizing on this idea that he think he invented. Guess what, Greg. WOMEN KNOW THIS ALREADY. Don’t you think we get it? Don’t you realize that our covering of tracks for the asshole who promises to call but doesn’t is just our way of making ourselves feel better in this horrific experience we call dating? Don’t you see that we know that when he texts us at 2 AM for a blowjob, but refuses to introduce us to his mother, we are completely aware that yeah, maybe, he’s not the “commitment type.” Isn’t it possible for you to see that our proclamations to our friends that “oh, you know, he’s having his apartment redone, so I can’t sleepover,” or “he’s just having a really stressful time at work right now, but after his next promotion we’re going to move in together” are just the sad, but very realistic, coping mechanisms that we women feel we must set up for ourselves so that we don’t have to come to face what we already know: yeah, he’s not that into me, and yeah, I have to keep looking.

I hate that realization that all that time and energy put into a guy who isn't into me was a complete waste! I could've been cleaning my toilet or playing with my dog! I'll live in Denialville until I'M ready to go. That my right.

Side note, that night a boy called me. What do I say to that? Sometimes a phone call is just a phone call.

I like to do this alone in my bedroom...

2009-01-19T21:28:00.000-08:00

...add my own personal commentary to silly TV shows and movies. What did you think I meant?

Anyways, MST3K and good grooming:

Super Sexy Saturday!

2009-01-17T13:18:00.000-08:00

Hey y'all...Are you feeling sexy? No? Well, let me help you get in the mood on this Super Sexy Saturday:

First off...Get $240 worth of pudding.

Then when your special place is feeling warm and moist, I might suggest taking off your pants and letting it all hang out...Now doesn't that feel better?

Now it's time for the lovin'...Have fun, but protect yourself:

Now I'll leave you alone to take care of business. To keep the fires burning, I give you Marvin Gaye's Sexual Healing. That song always does it for me...

There...Now you're done with sexy time, you're wondering what to do next...Well, may I suggest some cooking? You can use whatever you have just laying around. Mmmm...tasty.

There you have it, Super Sexy Saturday. Now go on and procreate.

Why, oh why...

2009-01-14T18:28:00.000-08:00

Do I find this so funny? Can you tell me?

I don't understand

2009-01-08T10:40:00.000-08:00

Why that man in the bookstore stopped trying to start up a conversation with me when I started reading a book titled Misogyny? I thought men liked challenges.

Four long years...

2009-01-05T15:36:00.001-08:00

Today is my four year Blogaversary!

Right now I'm watching Oprah talk about how she's put on weight over the last two years due to illness, depression and being unbalanced. I know what y'all are thinking, Oprah and her weight, blah, blah, blah...shut the fuck up. Well, with obesity rates being what they are and with my own weight issues I think a discussion about weight and body image is something that needs to be talked about. Each and everyone of my closest friends have eating and/or weight issues. I know I've either been an over eater or borderline anorexic and bulimic for the last 15 years.

I gained 33 pounds last year. I know how it happened, but I'm not sure why it happened. I was stressed out and bored. I wasn't in school for six months and quit dating. I just quit trying and caring. I don't think I'm an attractive sexy woman anymore. Being thin feels like a job that I'm just sick of having. I started valuing my inner qualities rather than my physical appearance. I don't know how to cope with stress, boredom and sadness any other way besides eating.

I want to lose those 33 pounds as well as another 30 pounds that I was trying to lose before I gained all this weight. So that's about 63 pounds. Muthafucka.

I'm still conflicted over why I want to lose the weight. I want to be healthy and fit, but I also want to be a hot piece of ass again. I miss that. Yet, I'm a feminist who is so pissed off at the standard of beauty that I feel compelled to live up to or else I will never be loved. That's a big one: If you're fat then no one will ever love you and you'll die alone. That concept is alive and well in me.

It didn't help that two of my earliest sexual experiences were with boys who made comments about my weight, namely that I was overweight. And I was much thinner back then. After that I was always wondering if the guy I was sleeping with thought I was fat. Now that I actually am fat, there is no way I'm getting naked in front of a guy. I won't put myself through that again. So, basically no sex. It's really not that big a deal. I'm working my brain and giving my vagina a rest for a while.

There's no clear right or wrong when it comes to this. I'm just gonna treat my body like it's a car and food is fuel. I'm gonna workout and do some yoga. I'm gonna learn how to cope with my stress other than eating the entire candy section of Rite Aid. I'm gonna be a healthy weight. I also think that there is no way that some other woman is better than me because she can fit into a size 2. I'm gonna be the same person I am now when I lose the weight.

But maybe a bit more slutty.

OMG! OMG! OMG!

2009-01-04T12:17:00.000-08:00

I happen to love Vince "I-had-no-idea-he-had-a-last-name" Offer the spokesman for ShamWow! ShamWow is that all purpose shammy that, if you believe the hype, would absorb the moisture from my panties after a Robert Downey Jr. movie marathon. Needless to say, I was sold!

Here's the clip if you've been living in some cultural void where infomercials don't exist:

Well, Vince is back with the SlapChop! There are no words to describe the subtly perverted awesomeness of this video:

"Guys, were gonna make America skinny again, one slap at a time." Priceless.

Slap on, Vince, slap on.

End Of The Year Survey

2008-12-28T19:41:00.000-08:00

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? I swore off men this year. I needed to focus on my own life. I didn’t date or pursue any fella. I was focusing on no emotional investment, because I find I waste a lot of energy on guys who could totally care less about me. It really helped with the whole life perspective thing.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Not really, but this year I resolve to commit to finishing my senior project, completing all my math classes and do more yoga and meditation.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Not this year! Next year I’m gonna be an aunt for the first time.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No, and I’m grateful.

5. What countries did you visit? Pretty much stayed in California. Too poor to go anywhere.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? Better focus on things that are important to me.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Of course, the events of November 4th put a little boost in my step.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Academic achievement – Getting an A on my research paper that I worked really hard on. Personal achievement – I finally let go of a really dysfunctional relationship and I don’t ever plan on going back.

9. What was your biggest failure? This seems like the first year in a long time that I haven’t had any big giant failures…just lots of little failures.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Um…no. Sore knees from running, but that’s why I’m gonna do yoga.

11. What was the best thing you bought? My education, which I’m gonna be paying for, for a long time.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Those who voted for Obama. They make me proud to be an American.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? The usual suspects. (i.e.: Bush et al.) Those who voted Yes on Prop 8. (There is no good reason for homophobia) That bitch that made my life hell when I worked at the movie theater. (Get a fucking life, asshole, you’re not in high school.}

14. Where did most of your money go? School, coffee, food and gas.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? President elect, Barrack Obama. The upcoming birth of my nephew. My new found focus for my senior project.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? Lovely Day by Bill Withers and Paper Planes by MIA.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Much, much happier
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter
c) richer or poorer? About the same

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I wish I took more classes, so I could be done sooner.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Eating unhealthy food and watching so much TV.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? I was at my sister’s place in Santa Barbara. It was nice.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? Yep, with a certain Mr. Paul Rudd.

22. How many one-night stands? None.

23. What was your favorite TV program? 30 Rock (the Oprah episode is a must see)…and the guiltiest of guilty pleasures, One Tree Hill.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don’t hate anyone. Strongly dislike, that’s another story. But no, not really.

25. What was the best book you read? Fiction – Rant by Chuck Palahniuk . Non-Fiction – Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women by Elizabeth Wurtzel. Poetry – Anne Sexton.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? M.I.A rocks my world.

27. What did you want and get? Perspective.

28. What did you want and not get? A smaller ass, but there’s always next year.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? I liked Religulous, Milk and (super duper guilty pleasure) Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I went to dinner with my friend Jen and I turned 32.

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Being done with school, but with the current economy I’m kinda glad to be in the safe embrace of academics.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Whatever fits my ever expanding hips.

33. What kept you sane? My friends, all those movies with Jen, my mom, coffee, my puppadoodle, Gwennie.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I fell in love with Paul Rudd, Nathan Fallon’s ass and Jon Stewart (always and forever).

35. What political issue stirred you the most? I actually got into the election. I’ve never been that politically minded, but this year was so damn exciting that I was sucked in. I’m even thinking about becoming an advocate for victim’s rights.

36. Who did you miss? I missed my friend Steve, who I mean to call, but…

37. Who was the best new person you met? Dr. Jen Yaffee

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008: So many… Rewriting your history is impossible so it’s better to put your energy into moving forward.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: I can be alone, yeah I can watch the sunset on my own. – Merry Happy by Kate Nash.

I love Google Analytics

2008-12-23T23:22:00.000-08:00

My Top Ten Favorite Keyword Searches That Lead People To My Blog Between October 1 and December 23, 2008:

10. "I don't like yogurt"

9. Clearing Bad Energy

8. Does Amy Winehouse Wear Converse

7. Purity Ball Gross

6. Serious Conversation Starters with Girlfriends

5. SUV is Now the Enemy

4. Zach Galifanakis Gives Himself Haircut

3. "Don't Feel Like Dating"

2. Women Fucking YouTube

1. Freeporno Aniemal (exact spelling)

Oh, come on now! part 2

2008-12-22T18:23:00.000-08:00

Eww. Icky. Eww. Eww. Eww. (NSFW)

Okay, I was one of those lucky girls who bled (for three days, mind you) after I lost my virginity and there is no way I'd like to "relive" that experience again. In fact, I was really relieved when it was done. I had a feeling it was going to be painful so I put it off; but I really wanted to have, what I considered, a complete sex life. Yes, I've made some bad choices, including my choice of "deflower-er", but nothing would ever make me want to be a virgin again.

And really, any guy who has fantasies about deflowering a girl needs to lock that one up in the vault.

Via Feministing.com

"Doesn't it make more sense to leave the bullets out of the gun, than to avoid being shot?"

2008-12-20T23:19:00.001-08:00

In response to Mr Bush's "right of conscience" bullshit, I give you Margaret Cho:

"A Huge Pussy Cyclone! -- Hurricane Poontang!" Preach it, sister.

Oh, come on now!

2008-12-20T10:17:00.000-08:00

Seriously? I mean, come on? Seriously? Really?

"The far-reaching regulation cuts off federal funding for any state or local government, hospital, health plan, clinic or other entity that does not accommodate doctors, nurses, pharmacists and other employees who refuse to participate in care they find ethically, morally or religiously objectionable. It was sought by conservative groups, abortion opponents and others to safeguard workers from being fired, disciplined or penalized in other ways...
The 127-page rule, which was issued just in time to take effect in the 30 days before the change in administrations, is the latest that the administration is implementing before President Bush's term ends"

It's not that the content of this measure is shocking considering the current adminsitration's views on choice and religion, but really? It's like that guy who's being kicked out of the bar for starting fights with everyone and seems to be leaving in quiet pitifulness. Then makes an "I fucked your mother" comment and runs.

January 20th can't come soon enough.

I declare this an anti-cynical zone for today

2008-12-19T15:19:00.001-08:00

My smooshy little heart is almost overwhelmed by this story about some nuns who really practice what they preach.

A mentally disturbed man came into the convent, killed two sisters and wounded two more. Instead of being bitter and angry, these nuns not only forgave this man and extended this mercy to his family. It's really a great story that I hope boosts your day.

And if everyone could send good energy or if you pray, pray for my friend Becky. She's suffered a great loss and needs some love.

Okay, so I admit it...

2008-12-16T21:36:00.000-08:00

...I am the biggest dork ever. I spent my night making little elf versions of me, my friends, Jon Stewart and Paul Rudd. And then made them dance.

For to enjoy:

Country

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Charleston

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Disco

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

And Classic

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Who wants to go to New York with me?

2008-12-16T18:41:00.001-08:00

'Cause I kinda want to see You’re Welcome America. A Final Night with George W. Bush:

George W Bush Goes to Broadway by Will Ferrell

Who's with me?

Jewelry Face

2008-12-12T15:04:00.000-08:00

This Target: Women video pretty much sums up how I feel about jewelry ads, especially during Christmas when when they practically double. I hate them! In my opinion, Kay's Jewelry's jingle might as well go, "Buy her diamonds, you'll get laid". Ick. (here's a link if the video isn't showing up. It's really funny!!!)

Jewelry's nice. It's shiny and pretty, but any guy I was dating would know that I'm not gonna get all excited over a diamond bracelet that I'll never wear. I'm a practical girl. Get me a book or pajamas or a threesome with Paul Rudd. Then I'll be happy.

Turn that shit up! That's my jam...

2008-12-10T21:04:00.000-08:00

Okay, here's the deal. I have to finish a senior project that will satisfy the requirements of a theater degree that I've been working on since, oh well, god was in diapers. I've chosen to write a play which allows a lot of freedom and independence, but it's also easy to put off and my creative juices sometimes aren't flowing. If I had chosen to do an acting or technical project then I could be in a play or design a set. I would have to be on campus and other people would be depending on me. It would be difficult, unpleasant and uncomfortable to procrastinate. And since I'm not passionate about theater it's just easier to put it all on my own shoulders.

Anyways, I had an idea of what I wanted to write about since I decided on this option, so I figured when the time came I would be able to just plow right through it. Well, my original idea was about a person being haunted by a former lover which had changed over the years, namely the old lover became a stranger who was a symbolic representation of the past. Basically, it would've been about a girl who was haunted by her past. To be honest when I developed it I was somewhat broken hearted by a boy and then by my life. All I could think about was my past and all my mistakes, because they were all I had to account for my life.

Now I'm in such a different place and I have no interest in that idea anymore. I finally feel like all that examining of and dwelling on the past is, well, behind me. I'm really ready to move forward. So, I've come up with a new idea for my senior project which has a lot to do with my blog's new name. I'm gonna write four one act plays based on four Liz Phair songs.

You may be asking yourself: Debbye, why Liz Phair? Well, I'll tell ya.

I love her music. I feel connected to it. I think she's never gotten the attention she deserves. She's naughty, rebellious, pissed off, jaded, and funny. Because Exile in Guyville and Whitechocolatespaceegg are two of my favorite albums. Because "fuck and run" was the song of my twenties. Because she writes about women from a woman's point of view. Because Liz Phair is my homegirl and with her help I'm gonna get my shit done.

An interview that skims over her career:

Here's some of her stuff:

Flower (NSFW):

Divorce Song and Help Me, Mary:

Only Son:

fuck and run:

Extraordinary:

It's coming on Christmas, They're cutting down trees...

2008-12-08T14:33:00.000-08:00

After seeing this list on Pajiba, I realized that all of my favorite Christmas songs are the really sad, depressing ones. Numbers 6, 5, 3 and 1 are my absolute favorites of all time (Fairytale of New York by the Pogues, Charlie Brown Christmas song, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas and River, by Joni Mitchell). I remember working at Macy's Department Store and right after Thanksgiving the instore radio played nothing but Christmas music which after a while drove me up the wall. When those happy, peppy songs came on all I could think was, 'Screw Having a Holly, Jolly fucking Christmas, I wanted a river that I could skate away on.' And if I had to hear Paul McCartney's A Wonderful Christmas Time one more time I was gonna pour acid into my ears.

I like the sad Christmas songs because, I guess, they seem more appropriate and relatable. I think some people get sad during the holidays because "the cheer and the happy" can be such a frustrating expectation to live up to. Well, duh. I know that there are people who are happy at Christmas time, but I think they just might be the people who are happy most of the time. And though my life is much better and happier than it used to be, I still relate more to the melancholic than the jubilant side of Christmas. It's a lot to expect people to be so damn happy maybe that's why we get so excited about cheap flat screen TVs.

But, the truth is that I love Christmas time, but more like the Scrooged kind. The Christmas season as a catalyst for human kindness, charity, forgiveness, and love:

Makes me weepy every time. Every time.

Some news...

2008-12-06T23:13:00.000-08:00

I changed the name of my blog to something I think reflects my life a little better. I'm still a work in progress, but I feel like Phase One has been completed. Plus I love me some Liz Phair.

Anyhoo, I also got a hair cut (I have bangs!):

I feel very cute. I haven't cut my hair in over a year so I think I was due. I even bought some beauty supplies.

For my Saturday Super Site (hey it's still 11:21 PM here in Cali): Caustic Cover Critic. Basically it's a guy critiquing book covers. What can I say, I'm a big book nerd. This stuff amuses me.

This just in!

2008-12-03T17:29:00.002-08:00

Take a gander at Nathon Fillion's sweet ass!

More at 10.

"I ain't one of the Cosby's I ain't go to Hill man"

2008-12-02T18:20:00.000-08:00

I really like Kanye West. I his music kicks ass. I love how cocky and full of himself he is...like a kindred spirit...

I also love Zach Galifianakis. Love, love, love the Galifianakis.

Well, here's a video that's like mixing chocolate and peanut butter: Zach Galifianakis lip-syncs to Kanye's song, "Can't Tell Me Nothin". For to enjoy:

Super Site Saturday!

2008-11-29T15:46:00.000-08:00

Cause it's Saturday and I don't want to work on my research paper I've created Super Site Saturday! Every Saturday, when I remember to of course, I'm gonna post a website that I think is super.

Today it's Subnormality!! It's funny, weird and smart. I like it.

My favorites so far: The Home of Adolf Hitler: Doubt Creeps In..., If TV were a person, The Atheist Apocalypse...

Enjoy!! Happy Saturday after Thanksgiving!

I'm a party animal.

2008-11-22T21:38:00.000-08:00

Yeah baby! Just a crazy Saturday night reading psychological journal articles on depression and learned helplessness...watching Juno...cruising Google Analytics. (Hey all my peeps in Glendale and Inglewood! What's up Laguna Hills!? And Kathy in Burbank! Holla! New York represent! Red Bluff Woot-Woot!) If you're out there say Howdy!

I've only been blogging about once a month for a while, but now that I have way better internet access in my bedroom I'm gonna be all over this shit! Y'all are gonna be all up in the minute details of my life once again. Yay!

Speaking of internet in bedrooms, I've been perusing the free porn and let me say, wow! The vast array of objects being inserted into anuses alone is mind boggling. Did someone just ask himself one day, 'I wonder if this fist could go up some chick's ass? I gotta test that.'

Speaking of up the ass, I think that stick I've carrying around up there has finally been pulled out. I've decided that punishing myself for my past mistakes just sucks, so I'm not gonna do it anymore. That's really what I've been doing the last few months. Just moving the fuck on.

I don't know if this makes sense but I feel like I finally got married to my life. Like I committed to actually making an effort and doing something with my life. And with all commitment, it can be overwhelming and scary. I freak out from time to time longing for the good old days when I was footloose and debt-free. When I was kinda slutty and didn't give a shit.

What's kinda difficult is that the fear that was driving me before is gone and now I'm having to do this because I actually want to. I want to accomplish something because I'm still not sure I can do it. I still have to wake up everyday and say, No, you can't stay home and yes, you have to get up and go do it.

Basically, I'm a grown up.

So, I'm gonna get off the internet and go do some research. It's really interesting, actually. I always thought of learned helplessness as more of an internal mechanism, but actually it's a reaction to the external by saying that repeated exposure to an inescapable situation can affect one's mood, i.e. cause depression. Basically, being put in an inescapable situation can teach a person that he or she is helpless thus altering one's mood thus affecting how one behaves in regards other situations in his or her life. Nutters.

Anyhoo. I'm off.

Another Silly, Sappy Video...

2008-11-22T12:12:00.000-08:00

...but so fucking what! It's my blog!

Here's what happened to those Wazzz-up guys over the last eight years. It's from before the election which makes it even more sweet. Enjoy.

I'm with you Feministing.com: Holy Shit.

2008-11-21T21:31:00.000-08:00

THE GAYS ARE COMING! THE GAYS ARE COMING!! LOCK UP YOUR HETEROSEXUAL CHILDREN BECAUSE THE GAYS ARE COMING AFTER THEM!! THEY'RE COMING TO YOUR TOWN!!

NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

I heard THE GAYS are coming to town!

I heard that THE GAYS eat aborted fetuses!! I heard that THE GAYS sodomize each other with bibles!!

Buy 5, 10, 15 copies of They're Coming to Your Town and give them to everyone you know! They make great Christmas presents, cause nothing says let's celebrate the birth of Jesus like a documentary exposing the well-organized gay agenda which threatens our moral fiber!

If I'm lucky...

2008-11-19T14:03:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna be just like this lady in about 45-50 years:

null - Watch more free videos

"Meow"

The First Family...

2008-11-17T15:57:00.000-08:00

From the 60 Minutes interview:

Part I

Watch CBS Videos Online

Part II

Watch CBS Videos Online

I like them.

As for the First Dog, may I suggest French Bulldog or Welsh Corgi.

Stubborn Belly Fat

2008-10-31T20:38:00.001-07:00

I've gained a bit of weight over the last two years. I think it was padding to keep me safe from the emotional rollercoaster I was riding while trying to figure my shit out. Like an airbag of sorts. I just didn’t have the energy to worry about my looks or health so I didn’t. And boy did it show.

Well, I've sorted my shit out and I feel emotionally better than I have in many, many years and now I want to get rid of my padding. I want to have as many options available to me as possible, but with this extra weight I feel like I’m making my world smaller and smaller. I don’t have enough energy to do anything active and fun. I have no money for new clothes so I have to wear the same two pairs of jeans and layer everything to hide my emerging rolls. I don’t want any man to see me naked so sex is out of the question. Waking up, going to school and walking around took so much out of me that I was unable to focus on my school work. So I joined the gym at school and decided to lose some weight and gain some energy.

This is proving to be much harder than when I was twenty-two and at my fittest. If I gained a bit of weight back then I would work out an extra day and cut out Taco Bell from my diet. That was all it took to lose five to eight pounds in one week. Now I'm thirty-two and have been working out for an hour and a half three days a week for the past month and I've only lost about 4 1/2 pounds. I know that it's great that I've lost a bit of weight and feel more energy, but man, come on! At this rate it's gonna take me a long, long time to lose the weight I want to lose. This is gonna be tough. Plus there’s all the beautiful toned twenty-somethings that bounce about in their shorts and tank tops while I hunch around like a troll in my baggie pants and enormous white t-shirts leaving my outline of sweat on everything in a two foot radius. Just wait ladies, I’m your future!

Do you wanna know a secret? I love working out! I love seeing progress in my stamina and in my body! I have muscles again! I can walk to the top of the hill, where I park at school, and not feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack. The bottom of my ass and top of my thigh are becoming two separate entities again! I love that it keeps my depression at bay and I feel like a normal person again. What I hate is the eating, but seeing the results from working out makes me determined to lose this weight and become a hot piece of ass again. So, I’ve reduced my calorie intake by quite a bit and quit drinking soda. I don’t even look at fast food restaurants anymore. But for now I’d be happy to fit comfortably in my jeans again. So starting next week I’m gonna workout everyday and try to burn an extra thousand or so calories a week. Maybe next month will be six pounds!

But goddamn, this is hard. It better be worth it.

It's all good

2008-09-20T14:58:00.000-07:00

Everything is good.

I'm fine.

I'm glad I don't have to go back to a minimum wage jobs where I'm an outsider because I'm an old lady.

And after a few relaxing days in a suite overlooking the Mission Bay Marina in San Diego, I can say that I have started making plans that make me excited to be alive.

All is well.

Continue what you were doing.

I suck. I suck at life. I suck at everything.

2008-09-16T22:54:00.000-07:00

I fell like a walking talking piece of crap. It happened again for the fourth time in my life. In the past three years. Fuck.

I was fucking fired.

From another fucking job.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

What the fuck? What is my fucking problem? I'm so pissed and sad and hurt. Now all I can do is cry to the heavens about how un-fucking-fair life can be sometimes. I can tell you that what actually got me fired was so dumb and unfair that I can't even talk about it.

My response to being fired is running away. Since I can't think of looking for another job anytime soon and school starts next week I can only run away for three days and two nights. I've booked a hotel room in San Diego and plan on walking along the beach and visiting The Whaley House, a crazy haunted house. I also plan on sitting in my room and crying a bit. And eating. Lovely, lovely eating.

And DRINKING! Lovely, lovely drinking.

Fuck.

I heart satire

2008-09-13T15:50:00.000-07:00

I have to say Gina Gershon does a great Sarah Palin:

See more Gina Gershon videos at Funny or Die

Yo, dude...

2008-08-13T17:08:00.000-07:00

...if I ever say, "this is your song" it's as good as saying "I'm super sprung over you and want to have your babies".

You've been warned.

Videos Videos Videos!!

2008-08-08T12:19:00.001-07:00

Since Feministing.com has some of my favorite videos I thought I'd do some sharing rather than come up with something on my own:

The Athens Boys Choir view on gender roles (NSFW):

Chomsky on Pornography:

Masculine gender roles examined through Disney cartoons:

Nellie McKay sings us a few songs:

Target Women: Feeding Your Fucking Family:

Okay, I'll stop now...

Enlightenment, my ass

2008-07-29T17:01:00.000-07:00

I've been meditating for at least five minutes every morning in hopes of reducing anxiety, bringing some peace into my life and maybe finding some sense of spirituality. But when I close my eyes, breathe in deeply through my nose, exhale through my mouth ten times then focus my thoughts on the present moment all that comes up is how sad and pissed off I am.

I try to send out loving-kindness to all those people out there who annoy the hell out of me, but I just don't wanna.

I don't wanna be nice and polite to these people. It's bullshit to me.

I don't like some people and I don't want to think about them.

I don't care if they're happy or not and I don't care if they find inner peace.

I don't want to spend the energy trying to understand or find compassion for the dumbasses who have done nothing but make my life worse. I've got enough to deal with what being so pissed off and sad.

I have no time for those people because dealing with my own shit is enough of a job for me.

The reason I mention these new found yet obvious revelations is because I spend a lot of time and energy thinking about people who have done me wrong. I think about the awful things they've done to me, the foolishness on my part for letting them do so many wrong things and so on. At the end of this I'm so numb from the stupid that I never think about what I want or how I feel. The only reason I want to deal with this is that I have stuff to do and all this dwelling on the behavior of the asshats that have crossed my path has kept me too busy for too long.

Now I have to deal with how freaked out I am at actually accomplishing these goals I have set up for myself. But that's a whole different story.

The positive thing is that I'm dealing with myself, so I guess it's working.

But dammit, I want that inner peace! Grrr...

Yeah, another reason I don't feel like dating...

2008-07-03T13:33:00.000-07:00

I've had this kind of experience as well:

I don't feel like dating...

2008-07-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

...so, I've cancelled my Match.com account. It's not like I've been dating a lot lately, but I kept it open in hopes that maybe someone interesting would pop up. Internet dating hasn't been a very successful enterprise for me even though I've been on a bunch of dates. The truth of the matter is that I've never felt any chemistry with the guys I've dated. It's not like I've meet duds either, in fact 75% of the fellas I've met have been cool. There was just nothing there.

This is kinda, sorta a big deal being that I've been using Match.com for four years. The best guy I met was a producer in LA who was so sweet and lovely that I actually went out with him for a few months, but like a lot of things in life it just didn't work out. The worst was this guy who managed to be both racist and completely boring. Ugh. The rest were blah, blah, blah.

All of the guys I've ever had a connection with were those I met in my day to day life. I knew almost instantly that I wanted to get to know them at first sight. I'm not saying that it was love at first sight, but I've been instantly drawn them. That is something that I've never been able to reproduce online, so I'm giving it up.

I might go back to online dating in the future, I do know of some success stories, but for now I have things to do! I'm trying to finish up two Bachelor's Degrees! My main focus is school - finishing school and getting into grad school. I wouldn't mind meeting someone special who would be willing to put up with my issues, and vice versa. But I'm just not in the mood for awkward first dates with guys with whom I have zero chemistry.

Sassy Panda

2008-05-14T11:56:00.003-07:00

Best picture of the day.

I love John Waters

2008-05-14T11:26:00.000-07:00

I do. He's everything I wish I could be. I love his movies, even though they kinda gross me out and make me very uncomfortable. Anyways, I just saw This Filthy World and realized that at my fantasy dinner party, John Walters would sit right next to me. I looked all over YouTube for some video, but only found this:

Now everyone, go search Google Images for "Blossoms"!

I don't like yogurt

2008-05-13T10:49:00.000-07:00

This is so spot on! It's a prime example about what drives me crazy about advertising, the way it panders to gender stereotypes. I understand that the human brain is limited in how much information it can comprehend, but shouldn't it at least get something intelligent and interesting every once and a while? Or at least add some flatulence humor?

"Your son Rip is on line toot." Love that stuff.

"Rock me, Sexy Jesus!"

2008-05-02T11:42:00.000-07:00

As mentioned before I'm writing a play for my senior project and I hope it's as cool as this:

Hamlet 2

Favorite line:
"It was stupid, but it was also theater."

Rant part two...

2008-05-02T11:06:00.000-07:00

In response to Aaron's questions and just to rant a bit more:

I went to Bernardo, my new advisor, and we sorted everything out. I'm writing a play and it's taking up more time and energy than I thought it would. Most likely I will finish my senior project in the fall. Also, Bernardo suggested that I might have a reading of it as well. See, now that would've freaked me out a few years ago, and it still does. Yet, now I know that the thing that freaks me out the most is the exact thing I should be doing. I was really scared of going back to school and getting my degree in psychology. And grad school totally freaks me out! (Mostly because of very bitter people with humanities PhDs who use it as a reason as to why their life sucks. Hey! It's not cancer! No one forced you into it!) Sure I'm stressed out all the time, but I feel alive. And oddly enough, happy.

What bugs me about this whole thing is that I spent all this time with this other advisor who didn't know me and thought I was a freak. (Sure, you yell at a guy to take a hold off your registration and all of a sudden you're a crazy person! In my defense I had just come home from an uncomfortable three day drive from Portland with the previously mentioned bitter holder of a humanities PhD who sat and played with his GPS while I did all the driving. About 36 hours of driving, just on the drive home. I had never been more tired in my life and now I have a goddamn hold on my registration! SOMEONE MUST PAY!). Anyways, he wasn't very useful or helpful mostly, in my opinion, because he wasn't on the faulty when I was a student. He had no idea who I was or how much time and energy I had put into that damn department. But I was in a play Bernardo directed, so he knew what an awesome person I can be when I'm not a banshee from hell.

All that said, everything is good.

Drama in the Drama Department

2008-04-22T11:59:00.000-07:00

I started out my college career as a theater major, but never really had the passion for it that I saw in many of my fellow schoolmates. I left with seven units to go with the idea that I'd come back and finish it up. That was almost five years ago. Now I'm back in school to get a BA in Psychology, but I plan on finishing my theater degree as well. It's turning out to be like getting a divorce from an unsupportive, indifferent person who expects me to jump through hoops cause he knows I'll do anything to get out. Sigh.

I'm a bit pissed off.

But I'm going to go with the flow and take it easy on myself. What is best for me? Should I stress out and try to convince my department head that I did work production hours even if I didn't get the credit for them? Nope. I'm not gonna try because he's just gonna tell me that he can't help me. Or won't help me. Whatever. I think the reason I've been putting this off for so long is because I knew that I would get absolutely no support from my department. It's one of the reasons I hated that place.

It's not the end of the world. I just have to prolong my involvement in that department for one more quarter. One good piece of news, I will finish my senior project this quarter!

So suck on that.

CUTE OVERLOAD!

2008-04-18T16:08:00.000-07:00

Now, I love CuteOverload.com.

Where else can I see a French Bulldog learn how to bark:

Or watch a cute engineer (I got a thing for geeks) give a symposium on the artistic habits of the feline:

Love it!

Free to be me!

2008-04-18T15:13:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been trying to get in shape, enjoy the outdoors and get out of the house by walking/running down a local street about three or four times a week. It's five miles round trip so it's a workout and I'm all gross and sweaty by the time I finish. I love it. On the good days the sky is so blue, the air is cool and there are butterflies flying around me and I feel like I'm in a Disney movie.

What I don't like is the underlying fear, as a woman, when I'm alone in public. I'm always looking over my shoulder to make sure no one is following me. And it just makes my beautiful day suck when some jackass ogles, honks or yells at me. I'm also tired of thinking that it's my fault, like my running pants are too tight or my boobs are too big, or that I've committed some sort of wrong by letting my guard down and enjoying my freedom and autonomy. It's not me! It's the responsibility of the men who feel the need to put a woman in her place and feel entitled to work out some pathological sexual fantasy on every woman they see.

I'm not talking to the men who appreciate a lovely woman like me in a respectful way, which I believe applies to most heterosexual men in society. I'm talking to the men Jessica Valenti, from Feministing.com addresses in her kick ass video:

I long to live in a world where straight men are free from the pressure to "be a man" by means of disrespecting women and can express their sexuality in a non-threatening way. I long to live in a world where I can listen to my iPod while taking a run and know that I will be safe.

Get outta town...

2008-04-11T09:55:00.000-07:00

Okay fine! I will!

My friend Jen is going through some personal issues and asked me to take a trip with her up the coast. I'm rather excited because I've wanted to get away for a while. I love getting away! I love going on trips! I love packing! I love hotel rooms! I love coming back home! I love it all! I've just been too poor to do it.

In fact, I am planning some sort of big trip, most likely to Europe, next summer. My dream is to travel across Europe visiting all the major (and some minor) museums I can cram into a three or four week trip. So, I'm gonna do that.

The last time I took a trip up the coast, though, was a year and a half ago. I was at the point where I was either going to jump off a bridge or shave my head, I was so restless. So I drove up to Monterey and stayed at a semi-fancy hotel for a few days. It really helped in a weird way, like I had some choice in how I could live my life. That there were options. At the end of it I realized that things would change. My life would change, either for the better or worse, but it would change. That was oddly comforting.

(Don't worry the story ends well! The heroine takes charge of her life and rides off into the sunset. Or at least in the direction of graduate school.)

Anyways kiddos, I'm leaving tomorrow and won't be back until Monday! Have a good weekend!

This is really why America hates France...

2008-04-02T15:50:00.000-07:00

For PSAs like this:

And this:

And this:

Lookie! Lookie!

2008-03-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

CUTE PUPPIES! CUTE PUPPIES! CUTE PUPPIES! CUTE PUPPIES! CUTE PUPPIES! CUTE PUPPIES! CUTE PUPPIES! CUTE PUPPIES! CUTE PUPPIES! CUTE PUPPIES! CUTE PUPPIES! CUTE PUPPIES!

AWWWW!

I LOVE PUPPY TOWN! I WANNA LIVE THERE FOREVER!

AND A PERSONAL FAVORITE: CHARLES AND HIS LICKING PROBLEM!!

I hope that makes up for all the bitter pie I've been serving up lately.

Six Feet Under

2008-03-12T00:53:00.000-07:00

I've been looking and printing up articles all day, so I'm a bit dazed right now.

Something happened yesterday that made me feel both free and heavy at the same time. I'm not gonna go into it, but it involves a boy named Brian who I was once in love with many, many years ago. Now, after ten years I'm done, drained of any love and affection I once had for this boy. Now I'm bordering on disgust that will soon turn into indifference. I hope.

But I once was in love. I once felt something that made me feel like I was a good person. And it ended badly. That's what happened. I no longer feel the need to reinvent history. I just want to live my life as it is, with honesty and integrity. It's over.

My last words to this corpse before I bury it, I will leave to Sia, because I've said all I wanna say:

(lyrics here)

Clearing away the bad energy...

2008-03-11T23:48:00.000-07:00

...of the lame-assiness of Brian and his lame ass issues I give y'all:

EPISODE 6 OF PLANET UNICORN (heyyyy!)

Ah, I feel the annoyance of Brian's presence in my life clearing away. I'm at peace.

It's time for an apology...

2008-03-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

I've treated myself poorly and must apologize for that. So, Debbye, I must apologize for:

Putting you in the presence of silly, emotionally stunted boys whose utter lack of regard for your feelings left you questioning your self-worth and lovability.
Making you even think that your self-worth is connected to the affection of another person rather than your own accomplishments and sense of self.
Brian. We're gonna laugh about that one later over some beers. Jeez, whew, was that a royal fuck-up...

Okay, fine...

2008-03-02T11:03:00.000-08:00

I'll admit it. I'm kinda excited about this.

And I thought I had grown out of the SITC phase. I guess there will always be a part of me that wants cocktails, strappy sandals and my very own Mr. Big.

First there was Wonder Woman...

2008-02-22T17:06:00.000-08:00

Then there was Ms. Pac Man!

Who-da thought?

Oh man...

2008-02-20T18:26:00.000-08:00

I really need to get laid.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2008-02-13T16:52:00.001-08:00

I found these pictures on my camera and don't remember taking them.

How can someone take pictures of herself kissing Buddha and not remember? I need help.

Pop Quiz!

2008-02-05T16:42:00.000-08:00

Please leave your answers in the comment portion of the blog. And keep your eyes on your own test.

1. On a recent episode of The Dr Phil Show, Dr. Phil didn't believe a woman, who had slept with 15 men in the last four years, practiced safe sex during every encounter. With all sincerity I yelled what at the TV?

A) "I tend on towards the slutty side and I always use a condom!"
B) "15 men in four years! Ppft! That's nothing."
C) "It looks like she's living her best life already, Dr. Phil!"

2. How long did I sit in the hallway waiting for class to begin while a note saying that said class was cancelled was about two feet away from my head?

A) 20 minutes
B) 1 1/2 hours
C) Trick question! I didn't even go to class!

3. After having too much to drink I knocked a bowl out of my sister's hand. I sat down on the floor to pick up the mess and never made it back up. My brother-in-law and two of my sister's friends carried me by my arms and legs to the bedroom and left me on the floor where I proceeded to start crying and shouting, "I didn't do anything wrong!" What was in the bowl that I knocked out of my sister's hand?

A) Hummus
B) Crackers
C) My dignity

4. In this picture my dog is thinking:

A) Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.
B) Just one kiss and you'll be mine!
C) I shouldn't have had that extra cup of coffee.

5. What should I have for dinner?

A) A cheeseless pizza
B) Tofu, cous cous and broccoli
C) The rest of my supply of Uncle Eddie's Vegan Cookies

It's been three years!

2008-01-29T20:33:00.000-08:00

I've been writing this muthafuckin' blog for three years. No, I'm not gonna go into all that has changed in these last few years, because there is too much to say. But it makes me think of commitment and my attitude towards commitment.

Okay, I'll say it: I'm not good with commitment.

I take that back - I'm good with commitment as long as it doesn't require too much from me.

The trouble with that is that most commitment requires effort. Relationships, work, school, exercise, eating healthy, blah, blah, blah - all require effort. I'd rather watch TV or read a good book. I know that I want to have a life I can be proud of so I have to overcome this whole "commitment, ick" attitude that I've been carrying around for most of my life.

Now before this turns into a pollyanna-ifyed "Gee, I'll give it my best" inspirational speech and make everyone puke - I'm gonna make one thing clear: Changing my life is fucking hard and it sucks about 75% of the time. I would love nothing more than to sit on my ass for the rest of my life, get fat and amount to nothing. But if I do this I'll live a short life 'cause I'd end up jumping off a bridge. Living comfortably numb sucks more than hard work, I tell you what.

So, I'm a different person than the girl who started this blog three years ago. Or maybe I'm less ignorant. Or enlightened. I don't know. But I do know that I've made a choice: I'm gonna commit to the path I've started down.

Damn it.

I put the "pro" in procrastination...

2008-01-13T18:35:00.000-08:00

I usually get around to this before the year ends, but I've been so damn busy. For reals, yo. (Also, I'm sick as a homeless dog right now so have mercy on my grammical errors.)

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? I went on my first long distance trip on my own. Well, Brian did tag along.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t usually make resolutions, but this year I’ve decided to improve my eating habits. So far I’m doing pretty good.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Some vegan online friends gave birth to happy healthy vegan babies.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Nope.

5. What countries did you visit? I pretty much stayed in the States which was a shame.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? A happy healthy active body and maybe a boyfriend. Who knows?

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Umm…

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I started school again and stuck with it.

9. What was your biggest failure? I still haven’t fully committed to the course I’ve set out for my life.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Broken heart? Bruised ego?

11. What was the best thing you bought? My education. And my tweed Chucks.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My friend Kathy, who maintained her dignity during a difficult situation.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? The president and his administration, of course. I’ve had some personal heartbreak, but I’m too much of a lady to go into details.

14. Where did most of your money go? My education and credit card payments.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? I got my loan so now I can afford to go to go to school, that made me both excited and freaked out.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007? Extraordinary Machine by Fiona Apple

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier!!!
b) thinner or fatter? About the same.
c) richer or poorer? Richer!!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Studying, thinking, reading, sleeping, hanging out with my friends, cooking, going to free movies, kissing younger boys…

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Watching pointless tv, eating crappy food, feeling sorry for myself, beating myself up, procrastinating.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it with my family and working. It was pretty nice, actually.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007? I thought I might’ve, but it wasn’t meant to be.

22. How many one-night stands? Sort of. To explain it would be too difficult.

23. What was your favorite TV program? The Office, My Name is Earl, Project Runway

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Nope.

25. What was the best book you read? Eat, Pray, Love, despite it being in the Oprah Book Club. It was really good!

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Tegan and Sara, Paris Combo, Rilo Kiley, Fiona Apple…

27. What did you want and get? Hmm…not much this year. I got to go on a road trip which I always wanted to do.

28. What did you want and not get? Um…Love. Better grades.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? I liked Children of Men and Juno.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 31. I’m actually quite content now that I’m in my thirties. I like it.

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Hmm…I would’ve liked to have at least one relationship to have worked out.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? I don’t have to wear office clothes anymore so it’s way better than the year before. A mixture of conservative and funky that only a select few can pull off.

33. What kept you sane? Wine. School. Talking with my friends and family.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Still Jon Stewart. Always and forever.

35. What political issue stirred you the most? Hmm…the general goings on in politics stirs me up like a latte.

36. Who did you miss? My sister (who I don’t get to see that often), Steve, Kathy

37. Who was the best new person you met? My PPK friends, that beautiful boy who sat in front of me in my Psychology of Women class. (This year he's in my Soc class and we've been conversating. Aww yeah!)

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007: To thine self be true.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: It’s a long one:

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found

Taking the long way around

Creepy...

2007-12-07T09:47:00.000-08:00

Sometimes my job at a movie theater requires me to sit in a display like glass booth which means I interact with a lot of strangers. Well, I was working yesterday and a guy walks by looks at me then walks on by. A minute passes. He walks past again, waves at me and says, "You're Debbye, right? We're myspace friends!" then laughs and walks off. I had no idea who this guy was, but he knew me! Needless to say, I was creeped out the rest of my shift. That was the first time that ever happened to me. I don't think that anything is gonna happen, but come on! That's unsettling.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle...

2007-11-28T13:55:00.000-08:00

I'm having a bit of a freak out.

You may not know this about me but I'm a perfectionist, but I'm also a realist who is prone to depression. In other words, I want to be perfect yet I know that will never happen which bums me out. Because of this I tend to get shut down when I'm overwhelmed. If it’s not perfect then what’s the point? (It’s also a convenient way to opt out of life.) So that's where I'm at right now. What's different about before is that I'm fighting it where as before I would just get in bed and give up. I'm saying this because I've been spending a lot of time alone, so I need to express myself. If I don't then I'm gonna keep this in and implode. Okay, here it goes:

I can't do this on my own.

So, if you're a friend of mine and you read this, please offer me some encouragement. I really need love and support right now. Thanks!

I give up

2007-11-25T20:28:00.000-08:00

I changed my match.com picture to this:

Kinda sexy, right? And all of a sudden I go from getting one email a week to getting two or more emails a day. It's strange to be honest since my profile is the same, but research has shown that men are pigs who only like hott women.

It's true.

Just don't do it

2007-11-19T12:02:00.001-08:00

When I read the list, Safety Precautions to Avoid a Rape Confrontation with a Stranger, in my Psychology of Women textbook I noticed that it was advice for women. (Despite the gender neutral title.) I don't understand why women, who aren't committing any crime, are the ones responsible for rape prevention. In the majority of cases it's men who commit the crime, so why is most rape prevention advice geared towards women? So I've decided to come up with some advice, for men, to avoid a rape confrontation.

For Men: Safety Precautions to Avoid a Rape Confrontation

General Precautions

1. Go to a rape crisis center and read up on rape, namely what it is, who does it and what the law constitutes as rape.
2. Watch how much you drink when you’re in the presence of women. Men are much more likely to be sexually aggressive when they drink, so set boundaries while drinking alcoholic beverages.
3. Take a course in women’s studies and in reading female body language. This will make you more understanding and aware how you might make women uncomfortable with your actions.
4. If a woman tells you to leave her alone, leave her alone. Even if you don’t think she wants you to, because her statement should be a good enough reason for you to stop.

Precautions at Home

1. Don’t go into a house either through a door or window when you haven’t been invited inside. Even if the doors and windows are unlocked you still shouldn’t go inside without permission.
2. If you’re a repairman or a deliveryman, please have your identification ready to prove you are who you say you are.
3. Never enter an elevator if there is a strange woman, she might feel uncomfortable. Make sure that the apartment manager keeps the public areas well lit, so women can feel free to walk around.

Precautions on the Street

1. Be alert to your surroundings. If you notice that you’re making the women around you uncomfortable then leave the area.
2. If you’re on the street, in a parking lot, or in a secluded area in the presence of a woman you don’t know, go someplace else. Your presence might make her uncomfortable.
3. While driving in your car make sure that you don’t give any appearance that you’re following a woman you don’t know. If you think you are then turn around and go the other way.

Finally:

If you have forced or coerced a woman into having sex with you against her will, you have raped her. She isn’t in anyway responsible for your actions. It is YOUR fault.

*Original list found on pg 442 of The Psychology of Women, Sixth Edition, by Margaret W Matlin.

I was heading down that shame spiral...

2007-11-16T23:20:00.000-08:00

...then I found Charles the Pug and his licking problem.

Thank you Charles, thank you.

Yeah, I'm still alive...

2007-11-13T12:13:00.000-08:00

I just didn't have anything to say.

I still don't.

So...

I give you French Bulldogs:

And, my friend, Kathy's niece acting like a zombie:

I think that says it all...

Whew...

2007-11-01T21:48:00.000-07:00

Since I've started school I've had nothing but stress in regards to the bureaucratic side of education. First I had a hold put on my registration due to not going to an advising meeting for my as of yet unfinished BA in Theater. So, I go to what I can only describe as the most humiliating advising meeting in history. In this meeting I was confronted with all my past scholastic failures followed by looks of judgment from my advisor. Did I mention this was the first time I met this jerkoff? Anyways, I missed my registration appointment and when the time came to enroll again, all the classes I wanted were gone. I picked some classes that would fill some requirements, went to enroll and the fucking hold was still there!! After I left some frantic phone messages, the goddamn hold was released. I got the classes and everything seemed fine.

Until...

I checked my school email and discovered that my financial aid had been denied. At this point I went into a slight catatonic state. My mom offered to pay for that quarter, but now I have to go get a loan which I didn't want to do until grad school. So, I'm in the process of getting a loan which is loads of fun. Ick.

But now the clouds seem to be parting and things are falling into place…

I registered the other day and got all the classes I wanted! Yay! And it looks like I'll finish up my theater degree by the end of the school year. Double Yay!! I'll also get health insurance which means I can go to a counselor and get some treatment for my depression. Triple Yay!!! I even got an excellent performance review from work! Yays for everyone!!

I was hoping going back to school would be easy, but it's the toughest thing I've done. Not just because of the school work or strain on my intellect, rather it's difficult to commit to something that has the potential be a waste of time. Every time a new scenario comes up that requires me to make an effort above and beyond what I would usually do in an unpredicitible situation I have an anxiety attack. Why should I spend the time studying for a final if I can't find a way to pay for school? Or if my grades will never be good enough to get into grad school, then really, why bother? What if I find I hate psychology and have constant debt to always remind me of this mistake? I don't know how to be okay with the unknown floating out there like an angry face melting ghost. (Sorry, I've just seen Poltergist.) It's like I've realized how scary it is to jump off a cliff two seconds after I've jumped off the cliff. I could quit, but really, that would suck too.

Sigh...

So, I'm going to keep on keeping on and have some faith that whatever happens I can handle it. And hey, at least I'll have that damn theater degree.

Shot through the heart!

2007-10-31T19:18:00.000-07:00

Actually, shot through the head.

I was a sexy gunshot victim.

(Photo courtesy of Hoveringdog)

Well, I hate to tell you, but...

2007-10-17T20:38:00.000-07:00

...this is what really happened after the credits rolled.

"I want a serious girlfriend. Somebody I can love, that's gonna love me back. Is that psycho?"

2007-10-15T21:16:00.000-07:00

There's this boy in my Psychology of Women class who is so handsome that I have a hard time looking him in the eye. Well, today he turned around to hand me a piece of paper, gave me a little grin and I had a realization - he's the spitting image of Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles! Most women around my age have a special place in their hearts for Jake Ryan and there he was two seats in front of me. All of a sudden I was a thirty year old Molly Ringwald hoping that he would notice me enough to show up at my door with his Porsche and the undies I gave to a geek. Then we'd fall in love over a birthday cake. That didn't happen but we did end up in a small group together and bonded over our mutual distain for Evolutionary Psychology. So, that's something...

I bet he's gay.

Here today, thong tomorrow...

2007-10-13T10:44:00.000-07:00

HAVE YOU SEEN ANY OF THESE PANTIES:

I pulled into my garage last night and noticed that something was missing. There's a clothesline in my garage next to my washing machine where I hang my delicates and stuff I'm too cheap to dry clean. I noticed there was a big gap on that clothesline where two of my thongs used to be. After investigating closer I realized that they hadn't fallen off - they were gone!! Someone has stolen my thongs!!

Only my thongs were missing, because my blue tiger striped and unicorn boyshorts were left untouched. What the heck? I know that the garage door was left open the day before when I hung the panties out there, so I'm assuming the thong thief struck sometime in-between. I swear, I don't know if I want to live in a world where thongs can't hang on a clothesline without fear of perverts lurking around every corner...

Friday afternoon

2007-10-12T10:31:00.000-07:00

I found this interesting article about American Masculinity and how it's so lost and immature. I have been interested in how masculinity is expressed, packaged and sold in America ever since I read Stiffed: The Betrayal of the American Man, by Susan Faludi, who is mentioned in the article. Anyways, it's an interesting read, so read it already.

I'm home watching Six Feet Under, in a rare moment of off time, and remember why I love this show so much; the self-awareness, quirkiness and realism all mix together with strong female characters who don't obsess about men and shoes. And Claire Fisher was the young adult I wish I could've been. There was a scene in the episode I was watching in which Claire complains to her co-worker about her temp job's manditory pantyhose rule:

No, it's not the brand, I mean they're all the same it's…I mean, I don't understand how having your legs sheathed in this like smooth plastic Barbie leg like encased in a sausage casing would help you do your job better. I mean, doesn't it seem sexist that it's a regulation only for women?

I would say things like this to my co-workers and they would look at me like as if I had said I condoned the murder of butterflies. I was an oddity in that world, just like Claire. Well, I think all the people I worked with were odd, but I was odd in an entirely different way. Anyhoo, here's a favorite clip of mine because I too would daydream while trapped in the constraints of my cubicle and "business attire":

Miranda July

2007-10-11T11:13:00.000-07:00

I just read No One Belongs Here More Than You by Miranda July and loved it! It's a collection of short stories which were so intriguing that I read it in one day. July has a unique and honest voice, which made me feel both uncomfortable and consoled at the same time. My favorite short was This Person, because that's how I feel every fucking day:

This person mourns the fact that she has ruined her one chance to be loved by everyone; as this person climbs into bed, the weight of this tragedy seems to bear down upon this person's chest. And it is a comforting weight, almost human in heft. This person sighs. This person's eyes begin to close, this person sleeps.

And to be honest if I could wake up and have anybody's career it would be Miranda July's. Sigh...

Hot and Sour Soup

2007-10-06T09:44:00.000-07:00

Being a vegetarian, I always check the ingredients of prepacked food from the supermarket to make sure it's free from animal products. One of the ingredients in a package of Hot and Sour soup mix was pork oil. It made me wonder was the pig was pressed or squeezed to produce this oil? Was there a machine whose sole purpose was to extract pork oil?

Other than that I’ve just been going to school, studying and working. Tonight I’m going out with some of my girlfriends to a local jazz club. Should be fun.

PS: I found this and thought it was funny. Reminds me of a few guys I know...

OMG!!!

2007-09-27T09:25:00.000-07:00

I just found episodes 4 & 5 of Planet Unicorn (Heyy)! I love how they have a little lessons that we all need to hear in these troubled times.

Lesson: Jealousy sucks.

Lesson: Debbies are bad news.

I wish I were a gay unicorn. Go here to see the first three episodes. You know you want to...

Just stopping by to bust a cap in yo ass

2007-09-26T19:36:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna call this a drive-by post...

I started school a few days ago and I LOVE it!! The classes I'm taking are a little more in-depth, so the reading and coursework are a bit more challenging. My Psychology of Women class is awesome and the cutest boy ever sits a few seats ahead of me. Swoon!

I'm going to Hooter's for my friend's birthday. Yes, that Hooter's. The one with the girls in the tight tank tops who mop up the drool of pathetic men who are too chicken shit to go to a strip club. But I love my friend, so what are ya gonna do?

I'm kinda seeing someone. Well, I would be seeing someone if we could get our schedules to match up, but such is my love life. He looks a little like Tiger Woods and he has tattoos. What more do I need to say?

Now I'm off to smoke a blunt to dull the pain and guilt that goes along with being a gansta.

I'm a busy gal about town...

2007-09-19T14:41:00.000-07:00

...and don't have all day to search the internets, therefore I steal a great deal of my blog ideas from other sites, blogs and so forth and such. So, that's what I'm doing here:

Thanks, Feministing.com.

What I did on my Summer Vacation.

2007-09-18T00:35:00.000-07:00

This summer I read six books. I got a job at a movie theater where I sell tickets to elderly and upper middle class folks, hipster douches and students. I became interested in Buddhist philosophy. I also learned how to spell "Buddhist". I meditated once or twice a week. I drove up to Portland and hung out with a bunch of unwashed vegans. I played with my puppy and took constant delight in her silly ways. I saw a bunch of movies about Paris with my friend Jen. I contemplated heterosexual success or rather my heterosexual failures. I realized that the world that I believed to be true had failed me and is in fact a lie. I watched all four seasons of Felicity. I had lunch with my friend Kathy a bunch of times. I had school troubles up the ass. I drank a lot of Coca-Cola Zeros. I took pictures of myself in various states of undress. I wished I was back in school six hundred and seventy-eight times. I started writing a play for my Senior Project; it's about love and ghosts. I bought a flask and filled it with whiskey. I realized how unhappy I've been and made a vow to change things. I quit blaming myself for everything. I didn't clean out my closet. I did wash my bathtub. I did about 20 loads of laundry, but never washed my sheets. I assembled a filing cabinet that holds no files. I watched The Devil Wears Prada seven times. I yelled at both strangers and loved ones. I slept in a tent and really enjoyed myself. I had brief moments of inner peace. I relished in my complicated nature. I watched my friend Brian fall in love with a GPS system. I watched my life change. I burned incense. I endured the stifling heat. I bought purple eyeshadow.

I think that's about it.

As overheard by me...

2007-09-05T11:26:00.000-07:00

I've had conversations like this before, but I was, like, totally kidding.

You believe me, right?

What do you really mean by that?

2007-09-05T10:47:00.000-07:00

So, school starts in two weeks and I'm pretty excited. I'm taking Psychology of Identity:

An intensive examination of self in terms of theory, locus, development outcomes, sex identity, group identity, and the self in relation to others, extensive in-class practice in techniques for self-awareness, self-evaluation, self-disclosure, self-assertion.

And the Psychology of Women:

Examines issues related to women’s lives and experiences from a psychological perspective, including lifespan development, education and employment, relationships, sexuality, violence, discrimination, and mental and physical health.

I'm gonna be unbearable. Just giving y'all a warning.

Trop de films français

2007-09-02T14:29:00.000-07:00

Je travaille sur un théâtre de maison indie/art donc je finis voir des films gratuitement. Il se balance presque et je me sens supérieur à ceux qui ne sont pas aussi scolarisés que moi sur les films indie. En tout cas, j'ai vu rien que le français et le français a inspiré des films et je vais voir un autre ce soir. J'ai aussi été assez expressif avec mes émotions et prédisposé pour porter le rouge à lèvres rouge, donc je crois que je pourrais juste être le français. Donc je suis de porter des écharpes, des cigarettes fumées, devenir une maîtresse et me tuer ensuite parce que je ne peux pas échapper à l'ennui de vie.

Traduction ici : Traduction Libre En ligne.