Hello Darkness, My Old Friend...

When things go very wrong in my life I tend to get self-destructive. I smoke, drink, have sex with the wrong people, stay up too late, eat too much or develop eating disorders, spend money that I don't have...you know the basic stuff. Just outward signs of the inner tumoil.

Or it's a doomsday kind of thing. Like everything is so fucked up that I might as well continue with the downward spiral. Eventually I'm going to crash and burn or pick myself up and go.

Also I tend to punish myself for the fuck-up that is my life. I don't deserve to be healthy or eat well, or have a loving normal relationship. I don't deserve to feel safe and secure after I have made such a mess of my life.

It's all so gross and perverse but I don't want to change. I guess I just want a vacation from adulthood.