How I spent my morning

I haven’t been very lucky in love. I’ve dated a lot but never had that one relationship that has demonstrated my lovability. So as far as I know I am unlovable. Maybe I don’t possess the qualities that one needs to be loved. I see relationships all around me and wonder, how’d they do that? How did they get that perfect timing in which Person A fell in love with Person B and vice versa? Then after achieving that how do they align their lives together to form a relationship? I have no idea. None, whatsoever.

I’m thirty years old and I’ve never been in love. I’ve loved a few guys, but none of them wanted to be with me. They’ve always picked other girls that somehow encompass the long unspoken list of qualities that equal love. I can’t blame them, you go where the love is, but I can’t help but feel a bit put off by the whole situation. I’ve read somewhere that being in love is a matter of will. That along with having all the qualities one desires in a significant other, one has to be willing to be in love the other person. If there’s an unwillingness to do that then there can be no ‘in love’.

So, can you will yourself into loving someone? I imagine so, since my parents have been married for almost forty years. You can’t be married for that long without a few moments of willing yourself to love that person you’ve seen at his or her absolute worse. Are they still in love? Does that really matter in the long run? It would seem that being in love with someone is very important, but how important is it in context of a long term relationship? I think being in love is the ideal start to a long term loving relationship. And I would imagine most people in western society also believe that to be true in one way or another.

Yet it seems that those who are looking for exciting-loss of abandon-love aren’t really looking for long term stable relationships. I think they’re looking to feel alive, to feel a chemical high. And when it wears off then it’s over. Yeah, there are feelings still involved, but after the high there’s nothing else to keep one there. To make a relationship work there has to be a willingness to see beyond the ‘in love’ for something familiar and stable.

I don’t really think I want to be in a relationship or else I’d be more eager to find one. I end up sleeping with guys who I know don’t want a relationship with me. I like the thrill. But I’ve been fucked over a few times and now I’m starting to see beyond the thrill of falling in love. I would like to have someone who wants to work towards something more than just maintaining that initial feeling of being in love. Yet, I’m scared of turning into my parents who know every nook and cranny of each other and exciting moments are few and far between. So, I’m stuck in limbo right now where a casual relationship seems shallow and unfulfilling and a serious relationship seems daunting in its monotony.

If love is about willingness then I’m unwilling to compromise where I’m at this exact moment. So maybe that’s why I’m not in love. But the real question is, does that make me loveable?