Enlightenment, my ass

I've been meditating for at least five minutes every morning in hopes of reducing anxiety, bringing some peace into my life and maybe finding some sense of spirituality. But when I close my eyes, breathe in deeply through my nose, exhale through my mouth ten times then focus my thoughts on the present moment all that comes up is how sad and pissed off I am.

I try to send out loving-kindness to all those people out there who annoy the hell out of me, but I just don't wanna.

I don't wanna be nice and polite to these people. It's bullshit to me.

I don't like some people and I don't want to think about them.

I don't care if they're happy or not and I don't care if they find inner peace.

I don't want to spend the energy trying to understand or find compassion for the dumbasses who have done nothing but make my life worse. I've got enough to deal with what being so pissed off and sad.

I have no time for those people because dealing with my own shit is enough of a job for me.

The reason I mention these new found yet obvious revelations is because I spend a lot of time and energy thinking about people who have done me wrong. I think about the awful things they've done to me, the foolishness on my part for letting them do so many wrong things and so on. At the end of this I'm so numb from the stupid that I never think about what I want or how I feel. The only reason I want to deal with this is that I have stuff to do and all this dwelling on the behavior of the asshats that have crossed my path has kept me too busy for too long.

Now I have to deal with how freaked out I am at actually accomplishing these goals I have set up for myself. But that's a whole different story.

The positive thing is that I'm dealing with myself, so I guess it's working.

But dammit, I want that inner peace! Grrr...