Four long years...

Today is my four year Blogaversary!

Right now I'm watching Oprah talk about how she's put on weight over the last two years due to illness, depression and being unbalanced. I know what y'all are thinking, Oprah and her weight, blah, blah, blah...shut the fuck up. Well, with obesity rates being what they are and with my own weight issues I think a discussion about weight and body image is something that needs to be talked about. Each and everyone of my closest friends have eating and/or weight issues. I know I've either been an over eater or borderline anorexic and bulimic for the last 15 years.

I gained 33 pounds last year. I know how it happened, but I'm not sure why it happened. I was stressed out and bored. I wasn't in school for six months and quit dating. I just quit trying and caring. I don't think I'm an attractive sexy woman anymore. Being thin feels like a job that I'm just sick of having. I started valuing my inner qualities rather than my physical appearance. I don't know how to cope with stress, boredom and sadness any other way besides eating.

I want to lose those 33 pounds as well as another 30 pounds that I was trying to lose before I gained all this weight. So that's about 63 pounds. Muthafucka.

I'm still conflicted over why I want to lose the weight. I want to be healthy and fit, but I also want to be a hot piece of ass again. I miss that. Yet, I'm a feminist who is so pissed off at the standard of beauty that I feel compelled to live up to or else I will never be loved. That's a big one: If you're fat then no one will ever love you and you'll die alone. That concept is alive and well in me.

It didn't help that two of my earliest sexual experiences were with boys who made comments about my weight, namely that I was overweight. And I was much thinner back then. After that I was always wondering if the guy I was sleeping with thought I was fat. Now that I actually am fat, there is no way I'm getting naked in front of a guy. I won't put myself through that again. So, basically no sex. It's really not that big a deal. I'm working my brain and giving my vagina a rest for a while.

There's no clear right or wrong when it comes to this. I'm just gonna treat my body like it's a car and food is fuel. I'm gonna workout and do some yoga. I'm gonna learn how to cope with my stress other than eating the entire candy section of Rite Aid. I'm gonna be a healthy weight. I also think that there is no way that some other woman is better than me because she can fit into a size 2. I'm gonna be the same person I am now when I lose the weight.

But maybe a bit more slutty.