here it comes again
Ugh.
I go through days when I feel okay, good even. My family starts to relax. I have fun with my friends. I don't fuck anything up. I look for a job. I feel optimistic about life.
Then for no reason a cloud forms. My skin is slowly peeling away and I am raw. I can't even blame PMS. It's just how I feel. Like everything is shit. How long it lasts depends on how much energy I have at the present moment.
I'm called dramatic a lot. I guess this is why. But the truth is that I feel everything so intensely. I know I can't be alone in this feeling, but it's just so fucking lonely. And then I'm dismissed as dramatic. I'm fucking sad and I don't want to be. I really don't want this and I fight it with all that I have. Sometimes I just don't have the will or strength.
I feel strong now. In my own way, I guess, I feel strong. I can write and talk and feel without wanting to give up. So there's that.
I told someone that I'm sick of myself. I really am, but I'm trapped with my thoughts. Activity doesn't help either. It's prison in a way. I can go out to the yard and get some fresh air, but soon enough I have to go back to that little room. It's just my life. And I'm okay. But not really.
I shouldn't have watched Prozac Nation last night. It just reminded me of myself. Hell, I bet a lot of people feel this way. Or they think she’s dramatic and dismiss her. Dramatic is a word for people who are afraid of themselves. Depressed people remind us of the darkness we try to run away from. It seems self-indulgent to be depressed. That’s because it is. Depressed people may hate themselves, but at least they’re honest enough to admit to it.
I’m going to try to take care of this while I have the strength. I don’t think a job will cure this, or a boyfriend. But I need to live my life, so I’m going to get a job and date. I’m going to take showers, eat well and clean my room. I’m going to read and exercise. I’m going to hang out with my friends and meditate. I’m going to be nice to my family and laugh at jokes. I’m going to try. Not because I want a cure, but because I want to live.
posted by Debbye @ 2:10 PM
5 Comments:
Prozac Nation was great! As soon as I saw Christina Ricci's full-frontal, I couldn't stop smiling. Possibly the happiest film ever made.
oink
You make me sick.
oh Debbye, i can totally relate to how you are feeling. it's such a f'in vicious cycle. self loathing is such a bane to my existence. i wish i could be different. i guess the key is to just accept ourselves w/our flaws and all.
also, i think that perfection is unattainable & so overrated. it seems the more you strive for everything to be 'just right' the more you realize it's really not humanly possible! i know for me trying to hold onto those ideals of a 'perfect' life really drags me down.
i know that my mom is a raging perfectionist & ingrained that into me to no end. i've tried so hard to let that go in myself but when you're raised w/those perfectionistic tendencies it's difficult to change(especially hard for you since you live w/your parents). don't give up hope dear. you will have your own life soon enough.
and then there are the pigs like Steve! although i do have to say that even as a gay man i think Christina is such a hottie as well as being so talented.
Oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm going to say this but, I was totally stoked to see Christina Ricci nekkie! *hee hee*
I love how all my close friends are so used to my depression induced rants that it takes the mention of Christina Ricci's ta-tas to get a response.
And you wonder why I'm so bummed out all the time.
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