I give in to sin because I like to practice what I preach...
While driving home I made a mental list of my bad habits and became very frustrated. Who wouldn't really? It was then a thought came to me clear and rational, how come I'm not perfect? I work so hard at overcoming all my undesirable traits and still I will never be perfect. As far as goals go, perfection is clearly impossible, but I am somehow disappointed and saddened by the truth of it all.
You see, I have always lived by a certain good girl standard that if I try really hard to be perfect and good then I will succeed. In fact one of my favorite movies as a girl was Cinderella because she was a good and virtuous girl who got rewarded, with shoes no less. If you're good and always do what is right then life will bestow all sorts of goodies and treats upon you. Sounds fair, right?
Well, my early twenties has done everything in it's power to destroy that idea. I didn't get the job, boy, grades, life that I wanted and tried so hard to be worthy of by doing what I thought was right. It was so disappointing that I sunk into a deep depression that rendered me usless until the age of twenty-six. Then I had to pull my life together and clean up my mess.
I'm still struggling with feelings of worthlessness because I have failed in my quest for perfection. I will always fail and what I have to do now is just live my life and go from there...
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I don't think you should just "Live your life" how its plotted out for you, live it out how you want it to be lived. Like me for instance, I've had goals, dreams, et cetera. And I havn't conquered any of my dreams/goals. Yes at some times, I feel like a failure and my hopes are diminished, I feel like, I'm 25 and I should have something to say for myself. But the truth is, I havn't done much of anything since high school exept grow up. But now that I look back at life, If I would have went to college as soon as I graduated, then I would have failed. Mainly because back then I didn't give a shit about gaining knowledge. I made mostly C's all the way through high school, exept for english. ... but I will never give up on my dreams, even if I'm a 50 year old english professor, I will still be doing something in film, even if it's making short films to entertain myself. If perfect is what you want, never give up! The problem with adults is that once we reach a certain age, we belive that we have to leave our childhood spirit or liveliness alone, granted, If I was in the yard playing with Gi-Joes, I would be defined as a crazy phsycopath. But I believe we should always keep that child-like spark in our eyes. If we lose that, then we're just a bunch of boring "for lack of a better word" robots.
(Sorry for the deleted post ... I misspelled something and it was bugging me.)
Wanting to be perfect isn't a dream of mine but rather a result of living in a world where I believe that just being myself (warts and all) isn't good enough. It's like maybe if I'm perfect I can be truely loved. I don't really want to be perfect, but rather loved for who I am. I guess that's my dream.
As I get older I realize that some doors are closing for my not because I can't achieve something but because I'd rather do something else. I'd rather be financially secure at this time in my life so that means giving up somethings. That's just life. I do miss being twenty years old and not having as much to care about, but I'd rather have my own apartment and work forty hours a week than live at my folk's house. I don't want to be a child anymore, but rather where I'm at and live my life whatever that means.
God, I better stop before I start taking myself too seriously...
The world ... expecially Hollywood does reflect that "perfect" image that everyone is supposed to conform to. Fuck Hollywood. If you were perfect and in love, then that person wouldn't be in love with you, but in love with the "Hollywood image." So I would be glad to be you! Now when someone falls in love with you, It will be because he loves you, not some plastic product. P.S. Just my opinion ... I wouldn't go for the boob guy ;)
I'm not too worried about love or anything. This is just an aspect of my life. It really doesn't need to be fixed or changed and I am okay. Really there is no need to be this concerned.
I was just putting in my 2 cents ... I know, the posts kinda went off topic.
awww..come on...you're not perfect??!? i certainly am! how can you live with yourself ;-)~
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