So, what's the problem?

I have been in the suburbs for about three months now and found that there is nothing to do in the Inland Empire! When you live in the city and do nothing, it’s a choice. I could go to a museum, but I think I’ll stay at home and read. I could go to a bar, but I think I’ll watch reruns of the Gilmore Girls.

Here there is no other option. There is really nothing cultural out here, unless you’re into Native American art or classic cars. On occasion there are some Jazz in the Park events, but that’s just a bit too yuppie for me. I want to go somewhere with an edge that doesn’t include the phrase “All Ages”. I want to go somewhere where I can meet interesting people that doesn’t involve techno music.

I think I am bound to be frustrated. Very frustrated.

What I can do is think. I can read and think. I haven’t really done either in a long time. I’ve gone the easy way for a few years and tried to live up what I “should” be doing with my life:

I should graduate from school.
I should live on my own.
I should meet a nice fella and settle down.
I should find a career and be a contributing member of society.
I should get over my foolish ideas of finding my passion and being balanced and content.

Mind you no one told me what I should be doing. I came up with these gems all on my own, but I have been influenced by the world I live in. It’s like when I’m alone I have an idea of who I am and I like that person. Then I go out to the world and take in all these messages telling me what a worthless loser I am. My problem is that I’d rather believe the messages of the world than whatever I discovered when I was alone.

I think we all want to love ourselves. That’s why it’s so disappointing to go out and find that other people aren’t as impressed. My question is why is that the opinion we carry and value over our own? And over all of those who actually love us?

We all love flawed people. All my friends and family are flawed, but I love them completely and wouldn’t want them to be perfect. Why do we expect such perfection from ourselves? If we all decide to love ourselves as we really want to, then who knows what could happen? Who says we have to believe that our imperfections make the love we have and feel, wrong?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to Pollyanna my way outta self-loathing. It’s not easy. I’m just saying we should all take a break from the pounding we give ourselves when there’s a major screw up, because it’s not what we should do to someone we love.

And really, come on, we love ourselves. Just stop the façade and admit it.