Baby, look at me and tell me what you see...

I had a break-down while visiting my sister in Santa Barbara. Or what Oprah might call a break through. I don't know yet.

There has been this dark cloud that has been following me around for the last year or so. Even on my sunny days there was this shadow of "something wrong". I refuse to give details, (hell some things have to be mine and mine alone) but I will say that instead of running and hiding I turned around and faced my unhappiness. It turned out to be a big ulgy Mother-Fucker.

It didn't help that I was stuck in my car with my thoughts in the worst traffic I have ever seen going up to SB in years. All that kept me from turning around and going home was the thought that I was going to have lunch with my family. Two and a half hours later I made it to Becca's and was informed that they had already gone to lunch.

Man, I just lost it then.

I ran out to get food because I was so fucking hungry and started crying. I haven't cried like that in a long time. Inconsolable large dropped tears and screaming. You can only hold it in for so long. I have not let myself feel that unloved and alone in a long time.

So, I let myself feel something bad. I gave myself permission to not look on the bright side of life.

Jesus, I sound like a freak. I am always afraid of being that emotion based drama queen that I was in my early twenties, that I never let myself get too caught up in the bad. I’ve lost so much of my life by making my choices based solely on feelings and emotions.

I'm afraid that there is nothing interesting about me at all. There that is the big secret. Nothing special or talented or interesting. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but rather just saying these things out loud to hear how they sound. Seeing how it makes me feel.

Not very good, but still a relief none the less.

The problem with saying things like this out to the world is that people will run from that kind of "energy". No one likes to be faced with his or her own mediocracy. We all have those feelings because we all know there is someone more special out there. I'll always be second, third last or not even on the list, someone's list. Deep down I'm afraid I'm doing all this, in some sick way, for attention.

Well I want someone to pay fucking attention to me!