I Don't Need Anyone This Time...

Madonna's new documentary, I'm Going To Tell You A Secret, is coming out as a sort of sequel Truth or Dare, a look into the singer's 1993 Blonde Ambition Tour. Anyhow I do want to see this movie, not because I'm such a big fan of Madonna's new stuff. But I was a big fan of Truth Or Dare and it made a big impact on my teenage life. Here was this woman who was rich, powerful, sexual and rather selfish. She did what she wanted to do and I just loved that. I wanted to be a bitch like that. I was a sixteen year-old who fancied herself a feminist and Madonna was well a saint to me.
Then I became a born-again fundie for a few years and all my Madonna-fueled bitchiness had to be left behind. I had to be a nice little Christian girl, which is the opposite of my natural personality. I had to deny everything that was contrary to my faith including my sexuality, playfulness, anger, sadness, intelligence and sense of humor. I became simple and ignorant. And very unhappy. Suicidal in fact. I had never really had a desire to kill myself before I was born again. And I haven't felt that way in the years since I've left the church.
Anyhow, I think I was so afraid of the bitchy side of my personality, because I should've been a good girl. So I went back to the source to see if I could reclaim the same inspiration. Madonna's desire to not play by the rules still made me glow. In one well known scene she made fun of 90's hottie dejour Kevin Costner when he called her show "neat". Madonna says," 'Neat'? Anyone who says my show is neat has to go." (Oh Madonna!) But I found her self-centeredness to be tiresome and silly now that I wasn't a teenager anymore. Now I have to go out and find myself by myself because I was not going to get any help from the Material Girl.
As Madonna is now an icon, wife, mother and Kaballah princess, she says she has grown as a person. I know that I have changed in the last twelve years as well. I have learned how to let go of the past and become more honest and self-aware. As an adult sometimes I have to do things that I don't want to do, like work at jobs that aren't fulfilling and pay bills. But as I get closer to thirty I am quite proud of who I am becoming. Now all I need is my own documentary.