I still haven't found what I'm looking for

Today is a special day for me.

According to my calculations, it has been one year to the day since I've had sex.

Now, you may be asking yourself why someone would do this to herself. I've asked myself the same question many, many times over the last year. It started out as a reaction to a guy I dated who had Scott Peterson-like behavior; you know, too good to be true so there must be a dead wife somewhere. I was willing to overlook the jackass signals in exchange for having someone around telling me that I was an interesting and wonderful person. We had a nice month together and then he disappeared. When I confronted him on this he turned it around to make me feel guilty for not trusting him; then he lied to me. The final nail in the coffin was an awkward conversation in which he told me he was raped by a girl and my "hyper-sexuality" had scared him. Okay, freak.

The though of letting some creepy guy into my life turned me off of sex for the first few months. Then my life just turned into this stream of firings, car accidents, family dramas and depression-inducing self-reflection. I just wasn’t in the mood to go find some guy to date, get to know and then eventually have a sexual relationship. No way. I didn’t even have the energy to work out.

Sure, eventually I wanted to have sex. And I had opportunities to have sex if I really wanted to make the effort. But it got to the point that celibacy became more attractive than restarting my old sex life. I realized that I didn’t like investing my feeling into guys who could just disregard me. Who could just stop talking to me. Who wouldn’t miss me if I were gone. I couldn’t give these men my body and then respect myself afterwards. I guess I’m afraid of getting hurt again.

After an entire year I find I have no conclusion. There wasn't a moment elucidation that can sum up this experience for me. I know I’ve changed in this past year, but I’m not sure if not having sex is a part of it or just a effect of another cause in my life. All I know is sex looks different to me. It stopped being fun.