Kiss My Ass Good-Bye!

I found this box of books from my days as a fundie Christian and must admit that I spent a lot of money being born-again. One book in particular really freaked me out; it’s called I Kissed Dating Good-bye, written by some guy who represents everything I hate in Christian males. I read that book hoping that it would cure my desire to be with a boy who didn’t want to be with me. That I could some how repress feelings and desires for a relationship that didn’t lead to marriage. What that book did to me was give me a warped point of view on dating that I still carry with me today.

I didn’t date when I was younger. I was an awkward, loud, smart, weird teenager who would shop only at thrift stores. Needless to say this didn’t attract the fellas and the boys it did attract were the ones who were too shy to actually make a move beyond friendship. I had a few dates and one real boyfriend who at seven months turned out to be my longest relationship to date. Then I became a born-again x-ian and dating was kissed good-bye.

Without being allowed to date and get to know a guy, all my crushes became very serious intense events in which marriage was the only inevitable goal. I couldn’t just get to know a guy without some divine intervention telling me that he was “the one”. (And heaven help the boy who I deemed hand-delivered by the Alpha and Omega!) This being the case I was a neurotic freak with most boys. Any boy who wanted to get to know me had to want to marry me or else he was wasting my time. But the truth is I didn’t want to get married. It freaked me out on a level I couldn't even recognize until many years later. Yet, I didn’t want to be alone or without male companionship. Sex was a sin and that was the only place dating lead. There was no middle ground. And that damn book just made me feel even worse about my desires and needs.

I look at the book and I want to burn it in representation of all that I hated about that time in my life. I’m radically opposed to book burning, but in this case I’ll make an exception. In the last few years I’ve tried to make up for the lack of dating, but I always will be a little off. A little weird. But hey, I’ve been that way my whole life.

I don’t have anyone special in my life right now, or ever really. I’ve never had a serious relationship, just casual affairs. As I get older I find that I’m a very independent person who must figure out the ways of the world all by my lonesome. The guy I would give my solitary life up for has to be wonderful and love me bunches, because I like being on my own. He would have to be very kind and understanding to put up with me, as well. I haven’t met that guy yet, but I must say that I would be interested in seeing him live and in person. In the words of Sex and the City’s Charlotte, “I’ve been dating since I was fifteen! Where is he?”

Since he’s not around, I figure I’ll figure out my own problems. That way when he comes around (if he comes around, that is) I won’t lose myself in the romantic ideal. The ideal that I formed in my Christian days, that I am somehow incomplete without a man in my life. I can’t blame the church for my flawed concepts of love, but being in such a traditional environment didn’t help. Because anyone who knows me knows that I’m not traditional.