Whew...

Since I've started school I've had nothing but stress in regards to the bureaucratic side of education. First I had a hold put on my registration due to not going to an advising meeting for my as of yet unfinished BA in Theater. So, I go to what I can only describe as the most humiliating advising meeting in history. In this meeting I was confronted with all my past scholastic failures followed by looks of judgment from my advisor. Did I mention this was the first time I met this jerkoff? Anyways, I missed my registration appointment and when the time came to enroll again, all the classes I wanted were gone. I picked some classes that would fill some requirements, went to enroll and the fucking hold was still there!! After I left some frantic phone messages, the goddamn hold was released. I got the classes and everything seemed fine.

Until...

I checked my school email and discovered that my financial aid had been denied. At this point I went into a slight catatonic state. My mom offered to pay for that quarter, but now I have to go get a loan which I didn't want to do until grad school. So, I'm in the process of getting a loan which is loads of fun. Ick.

But now the clouds seem to be parting and things are falling into place…

I registered the other day and got all the classes I wanted! Yay! And it looks like I'll finish up my theater degree by the end of the school year. Double Yay!! I'll also get health insurance which means I can go to a counselor and get some treatment for my depression. Triple Yay!!! I even got an excellent performance review from work! Yays for everyone!!

I was hoping going back to school would be easy, but it's the toughest thing I've done. Not just because of the school work or strain on my intellect, rather it's difficult to commit to something that has the potential be a waste of time. Every time a new scenario comes up that requires me to make an effort above and beyond what I would usually do in an unpredicitible situation I have an anxiety attack. Why should I spend the time studying for a final if I can't find a way to pay for school? Or if my grades will never be good enough to get into grad school, then really, why bother? What if I find I hate psychology and have constant debt to always remind me of this mistake? I don't know how to be okay with the unknown floating out there like an angry face melting ghost. (Sorry, I've just seen Poltergist.) It's like I've realized how scary it is to jump off a cliff two seconds after I've jumped off the cliff. I could quit, but really, that would suck too.

Sigh...

So, I'm going to keep on keeping on and have some faith that whatever happens I can handle it. And hey, at least I'll have that damn theater degree.