Sonnet 129

My first year as a theater major I had to take Vocal training class taught by a free-spirit named Christine. At this point in my life I was 23 years old and a recovering Christian, so all this breathing out my eyeballs and loosening the jaw exercises were a bit new and overwhelming to me. At one point Christine made us pick one of Shakespeare’s sonnets and then recite it to the class. I picked Sonnet 129:

The expense of spirit in a waste of shame
Is lust in action; and till action, lust
Is perjured, murderous, bloody, full of blame,
Savage, extreme, rude, cruel, not to trust,
Enjoy'd no sooner but despised straight,
Past reason hunted, and no sooner had
Past reason hated, as a swallow'd bait
On purpose laid to make the taker mad;
Mad in pursuit and in possession so;
Had, having, and in quest to have, extreme;
A bliss in proof, and proved, a very woe;
Before, a joy proposed; behind, a dream.
All this the world well knows; yet none knows well
To shun the heaven that leads men to this hell.

I memorized, broke down, and analyzed this poem for the next week. By the time I got to class I was ready to read the sonnet and sit down before anyone noticed I was alive. After I recited the poem, I guess my repressed former Christian self just wasn’t quite getting the meaning of it, so Christine made me read it over again. But this time while looking into the eyes of my fellow class mate, Andrew. Now Andrew was a wonderful actor and quite a cutie, but he was rather bohemian (i.e.: not very good friends with hygiene and prone to long discussions about acid trips); not my type at all. I took a deep breath, looked into his eyes, opened my mouth and had one of the most sexually liberating experiences of my life.

I am a sensual person by nature but years of going to church just beat it out of me. I guess that all those years of denying my lust and desire made me connect with this poem in a big way. With each line I fell deeper and deeper into the meaning of the words. I lost myself completely and it was just me, Andrew and Big Willie’s sonnet. When it was over everyone in the class just sat there with bemused looks on their faces. Including Andrew.

Today, while reading a poetry anthology, I came across this sonnet and was reminded of this moment. My sex life has come a long way since I was 23, but I remember being that inhibited girl who felt such ignominy towards my sexuality. At 29 I find that I've gone from awakening my loins to understanding the real meaning about this sonnet. I know more about my boundaries, personal satisfaction, requirements and how to make someone else happy (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) because of so-called bad choices.

So go ahead, make mistakes and do shameful things. Even with all of Shakespeare’s "madness" I bet he would never take any of it back. And neither would I.