So, I'm blogging a about a blog...

If you're a man and you like women, read this: Guest Blogger Starling: Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced. It says everything I would love to say to any man who wants to approach a woman and not freak her out. It also may raise a dude's level of sensitivity in regards to the female experience.

And a sensitive dude is a dude that has a chance at getting in my pants.

Mmmm..Cake

Okay, I wish I was this cool when I was a teenager. And by cool, I'm talking about being a British teenager in a ukulele band. Enjoy Rocky and Balls' Love Cake:



Now I want some love cake.

Absolute Numbers

I'm taking Math 10. I need to take statistics to graduate with a BA in psychology and since I haven't taken a math class since the Clinton administration I'm forced to start with Math 10. Math 10 is the lowest math class that my university has to offer. After that I have to take Math 11 and Math 12, get a C or better and then I'll be given the blessing to take statistics. That's a whole year of math. When I planned out my last year or so of school I didn't plan on taking a year of math. I thought I'd take the math placement and maybe I'd get into Math 12 or at the worst Math 11. Nope. Math 10. This extra year is another casualty of my oddly high, and usually proven unwarranted, self-confidence in my abilities.*

Our first lesson was fractions. Fractions. I had to re-learn how to multiply, divide, add and subtract fractions. Its okay, I like fractions. Yet it's humiliating in a chick-lit heroine kind of way. Bridget Jones goes back to school; watch her make a fool out of herself! The positive aspect of this is that I have learned to sustain a quiet dignity that keeps me from weeping into my pillow and pulling the covers over my head forever.

What keeps me doing this is that I'm determined to follow this path as long as it takes me to get where I want to go. I haven't felt this way since I was a born-again Christian determined to do God's will. There was an indescribable force that compelled me forward, a belief in what my purpose was, when I was Christian that kept me moving forward. I'm an atheist so I don't believe that force is God rather I think that, like Dorothy's ruby slippers, I had the power the whole time.

But damn, couldn't I have figured this out ten years ago? Really, I didn't have to go through all those years of aimlessness in the theater department, be fired a shitload of times, or move back in with my parents...that was kinda overkill, ya know?





*I also tend to pile unusually high amounts of food on my plate at buffets, turn my first workout in six months into a two hour long session of running, biking and weight training, and plan a complete three room overhaul in one Saturday afternoon.

I don't know how this happened...

I call people back and return emails. I don't put off my homework, financial aid forms or car repairs anymore. I wake up early and get to class on time. I've been finding ways to make my money last rather than spend it in a nihilistic manner. I'm eating more healthy foods than unhealthy. I'm planning on going to the doctor to get my thyroid levels checked out. I'm not scared of boys (or men) and relationships. I'm reaching out to people I've lost touch with. I'm letting go of people who've let go of me. I'm getting angry and taking action when I'm treated unfairly. I'm thinking critically. I have passion. I feel like a worthwhile person that has something to offer the world.

Let me tell you, this is a big change from a few years ago. I was so weighted down with the heavy burden of my own life. I resented anyone who wanted anything from me because I felt like I had nothing to give. I was a ghost of a person, an illusion. Now, I'm solid.