Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Me Talk Pretty One Day...

I zoinked this from Steve, who zoinked it from YouTube. I'm an atheist and sometimes I have a hard time explaining why, that is why I'm glad there are people like Mr. Dawkins to give it voice. I'm actually reading this book right now...Steve has started to read my mind. He's my psychic friend. It goes both ways, if you have an urge to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer and sleep til noon, you might be channeling my brainwaves...

Friday, January 26, 2007

It's this or some wordy rant about my feelings...

And because it's Friday! An oldie but goodie. Tell me who hasn't felt like this at one time or another?

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Movie Meme

Okay, my friend Aaron tagged me with this one:

The Movie Soundtrack of Your Life!
The meme asks:
If your life is a movie, what songs are on the soundtrack?
1. Open iTunes; 2. Put it on shuffle and press play; 3. For every stock movie scene listed, note the song that's playing; 4. Make up a title; 5. Choose cast

And now for the movie:

She Wakes Up...

Franka Potente as Debbye
Jake Gyllenhaal as her love interest
Al Pacino as Paul, the father
Helen Mirren as Katie, the mother
Laura Linney as Rebecca, the sister
Sacha Baron Cohen as Milan, the brother in law
Christina Ricci as Kathy
Rob Zombie as Michael
Jennifer Garner as Becky
Jack Black as Jack, Becky’s love interest
Drew Barrymore as Jen
Ben Foster as Brian
Colin Farrell as Steve

The Songs

Opening Credits:
All She Wants Is – Duran Duran.
Very eighties with syntheses drums and sexy moaning. This will be a movie about a woman who is dangerous, sexy and complicated.

Waking Up:
Get Off- Foxy.
The star is waking up with eyeliner smeared next to a young stud. Next shot is the star walking around the room in her undies and tank top gathering up her stuff to make a quick exit.

First Day At School:
Good Morning, Good Morning – The Beatles
School is Debbye’s second life…Here she majors in Chemistry, Psychology, History and Art. She wears glasses and is always carrying a book. But it’s all a cover…

Falling In Love:.
If it Makes You Happy – Sheryl Crow
Love isn’t the top priority for Debbye as she moves from man to man. Yet she longs for the right guy who will love her for the fucked up mess/goddess she is and not try to change her. She just doesn’t think that guy exists, hence the cynicism.

Fight Song:
Stand – Liquid Jesus
All of Debbye’s fights have to do with principle as well as fisticuffs. She leads major protests against everything from anti-choice legislation to fair trade practices. Always able to get the arm-chair activists to action and unite the masses, Debbye fights for what she believes in.

Breaking Up:
Life is a Scream – Violent Femmes
Debbye found out her man works for the bad guys and proceeds to kick his ass. He lands some good punches and kicks, but she’s the better fighter and quickly knocks him on his back. The fight is brief, but gets the message across. Don’t. Fuck. With. Me.

Open Your Heart – Madonna
Since Debbye has been out of high school for a while this is a flashback. After having her heart and nose broken by her last boyfriend, she remembers the sweet, lovely boy who took her to her prom. He was about to tell her he loved her and wanted to settle down. But on a trip to the bathroom she sees her best friend being attacked by the quarterback. She accidentally kills him and has to go on the run, leaving her date alone and brokenhearted.

Hear Me – Kelly Clarkson
Her prom date grew up to be an FBI agent who was kidnapped by some terrorist organization. By freak chance she has been assigned to go save him.

Mental Breakdown:
In the Meantime – Mary J. Blige
All the years of suppressing her past catches up with her and Debbye has an emotional breakdown. She realizes that her past is something that can make her stronger because she has the strength to overcome anything. She is filled with a new resolve and goes save her ex from the terrorists.

Blue Eyes – Cary Brothers
A quite moment after Debbye saves her old boyfriend. They are safe for the time being and have a touching conversation about the past and their feelings. Debbye realizes that she still loves him as she looks in his blue eyes…

30 Minutes – t.A.T.u
Debbye remembers how she became a secret agent for the secret government organization. She hooked up with an older gentleman who thought she had the “stuff” to become a secret agent. Plus she had no choice as she was on the run for murder, so she started her double life. Now as her ex sleeps in the bed as she realizes that she has missed out on a “normal” life. It leaves her thinking…

Parasol – Tori Amos
Debbye imagines her wedding with a beautiful dress in a big church, then…

Birth of Child:
Go – Tones on Tails
…the frantic rush as she goes into labor and is in the delivery room, but she is quickly jarred out of her daydream when the terrorists start shooting through the window. Debbye and her ex make their escape

Final Battle:
Cleaning Out My Closet – Eminem
Debbye gets some back-up from her secret agent girlfriends. They get their arsenal all ready and there are many shots of loading and preparing weapons. There are many slow motion shots of ass-kicking and terrorists being mowed down. The ladies are ultimately triumphant…

Death Scene:
Take it from Here – Justin Timberlake
Debbye and her friends are celebrating when she realizes that her ex has been shot. She runs to him and cradles his head as he slowly dies. She tells him that she always loved him and kisses his lips. He gives her a little smile and dies.

Funeral Song:
Something I Can Never Have – Nine Inch Nails
After his body is laid to rest and all his friends and family left, Debbye walks up to his grave. There was a rose on his grave. A lone tear slides down her cheek. Then she picks up the flower and crushes angry at the waste. Finally, she gets on her motorcycle and leaves.

End Credit:
Armageddon It – Def Leppard
After the funeral Debbye realized that she isn’t the cold heartless bitch she thought she was, but marriage and a normal life aren’t in the cards for her. She rolls off to her next adventure secure in the knowledge that she has loved and be loved in return as Def Leppard lays down a nasty face melting solo. Roll Credits.

I tag: Kathy, Becky, Brian and Steve...Have fun!

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Vocab lesson...

Shitty Good Day - (noun)

--A day that was shitty until the moment one gets into bed and realizes it was pretty good. That even with all the difficulties, one got a great deal done and felt pretty good about oneself at the end of the day.

Usage - Even though I had an emotional breakdown with my father, looked for low-paying jobs at the mall and the cutie I eye-fucked at Target turned out to have a homely girlfriend, I had to admit I felt calm and peaceful when I crawled into bed. It was a Shitty Good Day.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Kill the Bummer

He's crude, but he makes me laugh out loud when I'm bummed out. Enjoy Louis C.K. (Warning: It's ten minutes long)

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

here it comes again


I go through days when I feel okay, good even. My family starts to relax. I have fun with my friends. I don't fuck anything up. I look for a job. I feel optimistic about life.

Then for no reason a cloud forms. My skin is slowly peeling away and I am raw. I can't even blame PMS. It's just how I feel. Like everything is shit. How long it lasts depends on how much energy I have at the present moment.

I'm called dramatic a lot. I guess this is why. But the truth is that I feel everything so intensely. I know I can't be alone in this feeling, but it's just so fucking lonely. And then I'm dismissed as dramatic. I'm fucking sad and I don't want to be. I really don't want this and I fight it with all that I have. Sometimes I just don't have the will or strength.

I feel strong now. In my own way, I guess, I feel strong. I can write and talk and feel without wanting to give up. So there's that.

I told someone that I'm sick of myself. I really am, but I'm trapped with my thoughts. Activity doesn't help either. It's prison in a way. I can go out to the yard and get some fresh air, but soon enough I have to go back to that little room. It's just my life. And I'm okay. But not really.

I shouldn't have watched Prozac Nation last night. It just reminded me of myself. Hell, I bet a lot of people feel this way. Or they think she’s dramatic and dismiss her. Dramatic is a word for people who are afraid of themselves. Depressed people remind us of the darkness we try to run away from. It seems self-indulgent to be depressed. That’s because it is. Depressed people may hate themselves, but at least they’re honest enough to admit to it.

I’m going to try to take care of this while I have the strength. I don’t think a job will cure this, or a boyfriend. But I need to live my life, so I’m going to get a job and date. I’m going to take showers, eat well and clean my room. I’m going to read and exercise. I’m going to hang out with my friends and meditate. I’m going to be nice to my family and laugh at jokes. I’m going to try. Not because I want a cure, but because I want to live.

Monday, January 15, 2007

I miss my mom

For the last month my mom has been home with a broken ankle and today she finally went back to work. For that month she was home, we were just laying around the house like big blobs. We didn't even have x-mas last year because we just couldn't be bothered. But those days are gone. My mom has gone back to work and my father and I are oddly motivated to get off the couch and do stuff. I don't know, maybe it's because we don't have the excuse of taking care of my mother, but we're getting things done. There is just a new energy in the house.

One problem though.

There is something you should know about my mother: she has a voice that could raise the dead. I tend to sleep in, because staying up late is the only quiet time I have to myself as I live with my parents. I could sleep through the cat yowling and the living room TV noise, but my unconscious state was no match for my mother's voice. The first week she was home I asked her to keep it down until the time hits double digits. So every morning at ten am I would have my own alarm clock in the form of my mother's voice. It wasn't like she was talking to me or coming in every morning telling me to wake up. She just has the kind of voice that pierces my sleeping state and works like no alarm ever had.

This first day without my mom, to my shock and distress, I woke up to find that it was noon! Fucking noon! I have made a promise to myself that I will not sleep until noon, because that means I have officially become a slacker. I will not submit to that! NO! I miss my mom's voice that gently woke me every morning at a decent hour. (For the unemployed that is.) Now I have to set my alarm and wake up to Charles Mingus, Bright Eyes or something that will only motivate make me get up and hit the snooze button. Man, I better get a job soon or else I will be doomed to slackerhood forever.

What is worse: Getting up early but being too sleepy to get anything done or waking up with energy and motivation but half the day gone? I'm stumped.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Anyhoo....Some more pictures of me. (You love me, don't deny it.)

Dark Girl

Ohhh...What's that down there?

Dark Girl

Can you give a girl a hand?

Can you give a girl a hand?
Originally uploaded by Crimpop76.
I only put on a wig and enough eyeliner to choke a small horse when I'm feeling creative. When I'm feeling creative that means I'm not indifferent to the world around me. That's a good thing.

Everyone rejoice!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Just for fun...

I've been a bit serious lately so here's a chance to rock, my little heathens! Let the air guitar/headbanging commence!

And guess what I got for x-mas?

Yep, an iPod. And just in time.

Not much to say...

I haven’t updated my blog because I just haven’t felt like it, so there.

My car is in the shop because she got in a fight with a bike rack on another car. My baby lost. So, I am without my set of wheels for at least a week, maybe more. Wah! I almost cried when I handed over the keys, because it was like handing over my freedom. Yeah, I could use my parent’s cars, but I love being able to leave anytime I wanted to pick up some super absorbent tampons if necessary. (And it is necessary, believe me.) Now I have to ask my mom if I can barrow her boat-like Caddy, navigate it around, find a parking space, seek the best deal on the early bird special, and gripe at the teenagers for playing their music so damn loud. (“It’s not music, its noise!”) Sigh.

Okay, I’ve decided to start dating again. Yeah, I’d like to meet someone special or rather put my energy into someone who might actually want to be in a relationship with me. I haven’t been dating much lately because I’m a moody pathetic mess. Not much has changed, except I want to have sex with new boys. And maybe some conversation. Maybe. Now, don’t go make a big deal out of it I just want to make my intentions known.

So, I’m going to go take a break and go for a run. Have a good day.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Interpret this however you’d like…

In the year 2007 I resolve to:
Only use the back door.

Get your resolution here.

Steve, a book for you or about you, whatever. (I also think you'd like their site.)

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Now really...

...do I have to explain myself?

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

New Year's Thought...

In four days it will be the two year anniversary of my blog. I wish I had something profound or interesting to say, but I don’t. In fact I’m feeling quite ignorant and uninteresting at the present moment. So if my faithful readers are looking for the answers to life riddles in this blog, I’m so sorry to disappoint.

This last few years my general hypothesis has been that if I deconstruct my life into simple pieces, I’ll be able to figure out why I seem to have such a difficult time with it. As time goes by I’ve discovered the main flaw with this concept is the conclusion that my life is so screwed up in the first place. A few disappointing turns in life mixed with a low-grade depression and all of a sudden everything I’ve done and will ever do turns to shit? I’m an unlovable failure? I have the power to turn everyone’s life to shit? I should just give up?

I do believe in self-awareness and that an unexamined life is not worth living, but life cannot be broken down into simple, livable pieces. I don’t know how to make life less complicated, but I that doesn’t quell my desire to live. There’s the rub, you know. Would life be better if it were less complicated and difficult? I don’t know, but I can’t imagine moving forward if that were the case.

When I was going to church in my early twenties, I was taught that Heaven was the reward for living a Christian life. Heaven was a place where there will be no pain or sorrow and the faithful will be with God forever. Who wouldn’t want that, considering the options? But secretly the concept of Heaven made me nervous as well. Maybe it’s the artist in me, but in a strange way I need the pain and sorrow. I’m not sure how to explain it without sounding cliché, but I don’t know if life would be interesting without those things. In Heaven I wouldn’t be me because I am at times sad, flawed, mean, powerful, good, smart, etc. Why would God want us to get dirty in this life only to wipe it clean in Heaven? We would have to change in a deep fundamental way to enjoy Heaven, because I don’t think we’d like it too much in our current state.

The concept of Hell seems closer to our natural state on Earth. We are separate from God and we feel pain and sorrow. Not much would change really except it would become more extreme and hopeless. I’m not saying I’d enjoy Hell and would prefer to go there, but it might feel more like home to me. If we all started in Heaven and were sent to Hell for being subversive that would be a different story, but we’re put here first and then told we’re supposed to have faith in God’s goodness when we’re confronted with anguish and depression. And any god who would send me to a place for eternal suffering for not loving him or her seems like a whiney loser anyways.

Anyhoo, reasons why I’m an atheist aside, I guess we have to take the good and the bad in life. I’m not saying that there can’t be bitching about it, but it’s really not that bad. We shouldn’t get stuck in the sadness just like we shouldn’t always seek the happiness. Okay, I’m going to be lame and end this with Bright Eyes lyrics, but it’s fitting:

"But then night rolls around and it all starts making sense/There is no right way or wrong way, you just have to live /And so I do what I do, and at least I exist/ What could mean more than this? /What would mean more, mean more?"

--Hit the Switch