Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Enlightenment, my ass

I've been meditating for at least five minutes every morning in hopes of reducing anxiety, bringing some peace into my life and maybe finding some sense of spirituality. But when I close my eyes, breathe in deeply through my nose, exhale through my mouth ten times then focus my thoughts on the present moment all that comes up is how sad and pissed off I am.

I try to send out loving-kindness to all those people out there who annoy the hell out of me, but I just don't wanna.

I don't wanna be nice and polite to these people. It's bullshit to me.

I don't like some people and I don't want to think about them.

I don't care if they're happy or not and I don't care if they find inner peace.

I don't want to spend the energy trying to understand or find compassion for the dumbasses who have done nothing but make my life worse. I've got enough to deal with what being so pissed off and sad.

I have no time for those people because dealing with my own shit is enough of a job for me.

The reason I mention these new found yet obvious revelations is because I spend a lot of time and energy thinking about people who have done me wrong. I think about the awful things they've done to me, the foolishness on my part for letting them do so many wrong things and so on. At the end of this I'm so numb from the stupid that I never think about what I want or how I feel. The only reason I want to deal with this is that I have stuff to do and all this dwelling on the behavior of the asshats that have crossed my path has kept me too busy for too long.

Now I have to deal with how freaked out I am at actually accomplishing these goals I have set up for myself. But that's a whole different story.

The positive thing is that I'm dealing with myself, so I guess it's working.

But dammit, I want that inner peace! Grrr...

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Yeah, another reason I don't feel like dating...

I've had this kind of experience as well:

I don't feel like dating...

...so, I've cancelled my Match.com account. It's not like I've been dating a lot lately, but I kept it open in hopes that maybe someone interesting would pop up. Internet dating hasn't been a very successful enterprise for me even though I've been on a bunch of dates. The truth of the matter is that I've never felt any chemistry with the guys I've dated. It's not like I've meet duds either, in fact 75% of the fellas I've met have been cool. There was just nothing there.

This is kinda, sorta a big deal being that I've been using Match.com for four years. The best guy I met was a producer in LA who was so sweet and lovely that I actually went out with him for a few months, but like a lot of things in life it just didn't work out. The worst was this guy who managed to be both racist and completely boring. Ugh. The rest were blah, blah, blah.

All of the guys I've ever had a connection with were those I met in my day to day life. I knew almost instantly that I wanted to get to know them at first sight. I'm not saying that it was love at first sight, but I've been instantly drawn them. That is something that I've never been able to reproduce online, so I'm giving it up.

I might go back to online dating in the future, I do know of some success stories, but for now I have things to do! I'm trying to finish up two Bachelor's Degrees! My main focus is school - finishing school and getting into grad school. I wouldn't mind meeting someone special who would be willing to put up with my issues, and vice versa. But I'm just not in the mood for awkward first dates with guys with whom I have zero chemistry.