Monday, February 27, 2006

Being a grown up is not fun. All I want to do is either stay in bed or hang out with my father, but no I have to get up and go to work. I don't even have anyone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay.

I don't think anyone knows what to say.

That's the thing about being alone, you get tough. I have to crawl into my empty bed and wish I had someone to snuggle up with until I fall asleep. I have to get up and motivate myself to do what's best. I have to tell myself it will be okay even if I don't know if I believe myself. I have to listen to the quiet.

What I'm scared of is that I will get used to being alone. So used to it that I reject comfort from others and depend completely on my own voice. Just needing men for fun and fucking. Never letting anyone in.

So I open myself up here. I know that people read this blog and in a very little way I don't feel so alone. I can be soft and vulnerable.

My poor father. How alone he must feel. But he's not alone, because I am right there with him. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Emotionally Slutty

I don't always know what to share and what to keep to myself in times like these. Since only my friends and strangers read this I will share...

Last weekend I went to my parent's house to do some laundry and visit. Both my mom and dad were being assholes and I practically ran out of the house when my towels were done. I made the mistake of telling my dad about all my problems at work knowing full well that he will get sick with worry. My father is a very anxious fella.

Flash-forward a week and I get a call. I was hoping it was from my friend Mike, but it was my mother. My mother likes to give a big warning before she gives bad news, so the conversation started like this:

"Don't get worried or anything, but you might have noticed that the weekend you came to visit your father and I were rather upset and stressed out.."

Of course in my mind all I can think is that they're separating or something. But that isn't the case.

Two weeks ago my father told my mother that he has been really depressed and has been contemplating killing himself. My mom took him to the doctor and now he's on anti-depressants and in out-patient psychiatric counseling.

I can't really write much more about this, because just writing the last two sentences made me start doing the ugly cry. It's scary, sad and overwhelming. I want to stay home tomorrow but there is no other assistant to help out, so I have to go to work.

I talked to my dad and couldn't stop crying. I don't want to make him feel worse, but I just couldn't stop. I know he's getting help and that is good, but I'm just so scared.

I need a hug.


One of the better by-products of staying home on a Saturday night is watching movies that I would never seek out or watch if I wasn't sitting home on a Saturday night. (If you find yourself in this situation try the Sundance Channel or IFC. Kooky stuff.) This weekend it was Something Wild, starring Carroll Baker. After watching this movie I am a bit dismayed that it seems that in 1961 the best way to treat a rape victim is to have an aggro, drunk Forrest Gump-like mechanic hold her hostage in his apartment until they fall in love. It made me mad and uncomfortable.

The plot aside, I got into this movie because of all the cheesy method acting. It was great! I can hear the director talking to the two leads, "Ms. Baker, you're a kitten and Mr. Meeker, you're a wild cat. You're both trapped in a room together, now go act!" I've never been a fan of method acting, unless it's James Dean. I think that's more about his bedroom eyes than his acting ability.

But what I loved the most was the scenes where Baker was wondering the streets of 1961 New York looking for a bridge to jump off. It was very gritty and soaked in realism. I don't even think they hired extras. It was great.

While looking through Carroll Baker's credits I noticed, Il Dolce corpo di Deborah, which translates into The Sweet Body of Deborah. Mmmm...

Saturday, February 25, 2006

I love to talk about myself normally, so when I just can't muster the desire spread myself out in my blog I know something is wrong.

I guess there is nothing to say. Life just sucks right now. My job sucks, my personal life sucks and my environment sucks. I'm not where I want to be or doing what I want to do. It just sucks and at this moment there is nothing I can do. Nothing will get rid of this feeling.

So, how are you doing?

Thursday, February 23, 2006

You let me desacrate you...

You Are 56% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side.

Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Nothing I can say when I'm in your thighs

I just have to say that I love the Violent Femmes.

That is all.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Kathy's Clown

When singing along to a song on my car radio and she accidentally sings the wrong lyrics my friend Kathy says,"Wrong Part." It's as if the fact that she's singing the wrong lyrics isn't enough of an indicator that she is singing the wrong part, she has to say, "Wrong Part." Just thinking about it makes me giggle.

And what's even better is that she's often sings the wrong part of a song so I have to hear, "Wrong Part" about two or three times on the way home from work.

I just love that girl.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

You say to-Mato, I say To-moto...

How can life go from dancing to ACDC in the car to feeling utterly void of any joy while staring at a computer?

I gotta get outta this place, if it's the last thing I ever do

I'm over here chugging down pepto and complaining about the loud music the kids listen to these days ("it's not music, it's noise!") and now this. Time is a muthafucka.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Le mer...

I wrote of a sleep inducing fantasy a few weeks ago and last night I saw a movie that actually acted it out to remarkable accuracy. It's called Mon Ange and stars Vanessa Paradis, who happens to be married to fellow high cheek boned actor Johnny Depp. She was just wonderful and the movie was lovely. She plays a prostitute who reluctantly lets a teenage boy follow her around, but soon she finds herself drawn to his innocence. She had a yearning for something to hope for and I could very much relate with that. At this very moment I feel so empty, so scraped out that having something to look forward to would be nice. I need to be filled up.

It was also sub-titled which I love more than toaster strudel.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


Originally uploaded by Crimpop76.

Always eat the Worm

I am, right now...

~Sporting a heavy buzz from my 24 ounce Corona, also known as Valentine's Day Dinner

~Watching Dr Phil telling Paula Abdul that she deserves love

~Aware that my neighbors are watching Donnie Darko

~Typing on my shins

~Wearing a red bra on my chest and a polka dot scarf around my head

~Deeply anxious for no reason at all

~Looking at my bed with deep longing

~Not sure

~Disappointed in my blog entry

Sunday, February 12, 2006

February 12, 1793 1st U.S. fugitive slave law passed; requires return of escaped slaves

February 12, 1879 News about slaughtering of Isandlwana reaches London

February 12, 1921 Soviet troops invade Georgia

February 12, 1933 German vice-chancellor von Papen demands Catholic aid for Nazis

February 12, 1938 German troops entered Austria

February 12, 1949 Panic in Quito Ecuador, after "War of the World" played on radio

February 12, 1950 Senator Joe McCarthy claims to have list of 205 communist government employees

February 12, 1965 Nuclear test at Pacific Ocean

February 12, 1967 Keith Richards, Mick Jagger and Marianne Faithful busted for drugs

February 12, 1994 Edvard Munch's painting "The Cry" stolen (in Oslo)

February 12, 1998 250-car Italy pile-up due to fog, 4 die and 50 hurt

Today sucked.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Sitting by the dock of the bay, wasting time...

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
No, but I was once stopped because I didn't have my rear plate on my car. I guess a cop in Hollywood has nothing better to do...

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
No, I keep them wide open

3. Ever been in love?
Yes, right now I'm in love with Annie's Goddess salad dressing, Sweet & Spicy Pecans (from Trader Joe's), Naked Pomegranate Blueberry juice, Lamb kabob and Marc Jacobs. Oh I've been in love with human beings as well...

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
I've never been comfortable sleeping next to a neked man, so I guess I prefer sleeping alone.

5. Do you believe in Ghosts?
No, not really

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
Yes, I'm just lazy.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
Yep and that poor guy who was returning her sunglasses

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
I know neither of these people personally, but Angelina Jolie's lips freak me out.

10. Do you know how to play poker?
I know the basics

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
No I always manage to get a nap in

12. Do you kill bugs that are in the house?
If I can set them free I try to do so, but I hate those damn gnats that fly around my eyes.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run the red light?
Not intentionally because I just imagine there is some cop waiting to pull me over...

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
Of course.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?

17. Have you ever Ice Skated?
Yes, I actually enjoy ice skating.

18. Do you remember your dreams?
Most of the time, but not last night for some reason.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you were crying?
It's usually I'm crying so hard I laugh

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?
Yellow Submarine, Norwegian Wood, She loves You, I wanna hold your hand, Lovely Rita Metermaid

22. Do you believe in love at first sight?
I've been very drawn to people at first sight...

23. Do you know who Ba-Ba-Booey is?

24. Do you always wear your seatbelt?
Yes, it goes back to the days when my family had a game where the first kid who put on her seat-belt and shouted, "Seat-belts!" won. I haven't seen any prizes.

5. What talent do you wish you had?
To instantly comprehend what I read or hear.

Do you like Sushi?
Not really

27. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?
Yep, a few times. Most recently a 2 by 4 flew out of a truck in front of me. I swerved out of the lane and kept my friend Kathy from being decapitated all without dropping my Venti Latte.

28. What do you wear to bed?
Nothing but a smile

30. Does size matter?
I'm assuming this question is referencing genitalia right? Well then yes, of course.

31. Do you truly hate anyone?
No one comes to mind. Various members of the current administration might warrant my hate if I were to give them that much energy. I'd rather use my energy to wake up and live my life.

32. Rock and Roll or Rap?
I like both

33. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
Just one? Hmm...JFK or his brother.

34. Do you have a relative in prison?
Yep, a second cousin was just arrested for 5 counts of cocaine trafficking.

35. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror like your favorite singer?
Uh, yes. I've actually injured myself doing so. If you ask nice enough I'll show you the scar

36. Do you know how to play chess?
Yeah, my friend Brian would make me play with him and I'd lose quickly so I could go on with my life. Not a fan of chess.

37. What food do you find disgusting?
Raw carrots make me gag. Ham is gross. Creme of Mushroom soup is pretty bad.

38. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours?"
Sure, as long as it's equal.

39. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
Um...nothing I wouldn't say to their face. If I wouldn't say it to their face they weren't really my friend.

40. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
Yes, I'm big for the underdog.

41. Have you ever been punched in the face?
Yes, accidentally in some amorous situations

42. Have you danced around naked?
Yes, but it can be dangerous

43. Have you ever walked out on a movie at the theater?
A few, but that was back when I was religious.

44. Do you ever sit through a bad movie, just to see how bad it can get?
That's what cable is for

45. Most embarrassing moment?
My whole life is one embarrassing moment after another

46. Have you ever met someone famous that you really wanted to meet?
I saw Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer at Sharky's

48. When's the last time you screamed at the top of your lungs?
Picking up Kathy Friday morning I screamed when I couldn't get around some slow cars. I have road rage at times.

49. Did you ever do something that you didn't want to, just to fit in?
Yes, it's called my early twenties

50. Do you consider yourself "the biggest fan" of something?
No, not really. Just a regular old fan

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Into the game and slang, Into the cocaine...

Umm...I'm related to one of these gentlemen, but I'm not saying which one.

Police seize more than $1M in drugs

By Andria Simmons
Staff Writer

LAWRENCEVILLE Four people were arrested Sunday and more than $1 million worth of cocaine and other drugs were seized as a result of a police investigation into a Lawrenceville pawn shop.

Authorities said two owners of Hometown Title Loan at 3195 Lawrenceville Highway were at the heart of the drug smuggling operation. Jerry Lane Farley, 54, of Conyers and Jerry Allen Rogers, 58, of Lilburn are charged with trafficking cocaine and methamphetamine and possessing meth and marijuana with the intent to distribute it. Farley is also charged with possessing 0.4 grams of heroin with a street value of about $80.

Two other men, 20-year-old Elvis Joel Sanchez of Lawrenceville and 26-year-old Carlos Gomez-Alonzo of Atlanta, are charged with similar crimes, said Cpl. Darren Moloney, spokesman for the Gwinnett police. We believe the pawn shop was simply a front, said Moloney.The main business was the drugs.

Police had been staking out the pawn shop since last month. Inside, they found 13 kilograms of cocaine valued at $1.3 million, six ounces of crystal meth worth $16,000 and 30 grams of marijuana worth $300. They also confiscated $14,655 in cash and a Glock 9mm pistol.

All four of the suspects are being held without bond at the Gwinnett
County Detention Center in Lawrenceville.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

That's why I'm easy...

Sunday is great for laying around in bed and watching all the Discovery Channel programs like "200 lb Tumor", "I am my Own Twin", "Born with Two Heads", "When Surgical Tools get Left Behind", etc. More often than not there is some grisly surgery scene with a close up of some poor sucker's pink and bubbly colon. I can't watch gory slasher films but show me an open heart surgery and I'm riveted.

Today, though, I'm watching "Wild Weddings" on TLC which I find much scarier than any operation. It's basically home videos of wedding mishaps and strangeness. Because of this I have decided on some conditions if I ever have a "w-word":

~No children in the ceremony ~ I don't like them in everyday life, so why should I have some little brat fucking everything up and stealing attention from me?

~No theme wedding ~ If you have to get into character to get married, you shouldn't get married.

~No shoving of the cake in the face ~ If this one is violated then there shall be no oral of the sex.

~No using the mouth to take off the garter belt while his "boys" cheer him on ~ Just writing that made me puke a little in my mouth.

~No silly games involving balloons and blindfolds ~ You don't even want to know.

Anyhoo, I'm going to clean up my apartment and waste the day away.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Is that all there is?

I am ready to admit it, I'm depressed. I have been fighting it for a year or so now, but recent events have just pushed me to be honest with myself. There was denial, in fact I started yelling at my mother when she even suggested that I might be depressed.

Now I just want to feel it.

Last night I tossed and turned thinking that I was going to be fired for some inane reason. I had a plan for that: I was going to move back in with my parents and go back to school to get the degree that I really want. But I went to work and nothing happened. I don't know if I'm relieved or disappointed. I think it's a bit of both.

What my problem is that I have been rather disappointed with the real world. It's like that song, "Is that all there is?" I left school because I wanted to live a more grown up kind of life. I never realized that life would be so long.

And short.

This is it. This is all I get. Just this one life. I don't know if I should just wait for Godot or attempt to achieve some lofty goals. I don't know if I'll ever figure out that one...

Is he thinking of me thinking of him?

Is he thinking of me thinking of him?
Originally uploaded by Crimpop76.

Bored and a little depressed. I just feel outta control and that my life is never mine. That is always the time to put on a fake tan and blond wig.