I Want You to Want Me...

I have a date! For Saturday... This is the reply I gave him with some "pointers" I hope will prevent a bad date....

"Saturday sounds good...
I have a few thoughs before we go out...
1.The word "date" brings up thoughts of disappointment, awkard social conversation and inapproprate comments about my breasts. So we should come up with another verb. I say we go "gardening" and see what grows?
2. Mentioning my breasts (see above) is not something that turns me on. My train of thought is, pay attention to me and less to them and you might have a chance of seeing them.
3. Please have an activity planned so we don't spend half the night trying to figure something out. Don't worry about what I will think of your idea, the mere fact that you have come up with something makes me happy. I will come up with some ideas as well.
4. Please disagree if you disagree with me. Please don't say you like Neo-Classic art if you can't stand columns or togas! Feel free to have an opinion and I will respect you. (Few exceptions: racism, sexism, you know all the -isms might cause me to give you the look of death.)
5.At anytime these "rules" could change and you can follow them or not. I'm just giving you a few of the things that have annoyed me on past dates. I guess I want you to do well so I'm giving you a cheat sheet..."

Maybe You're Gonna be the One that Saves Me

I don't know if this is a funny, sick joke or just another reason I'm glad I'm not in church anymore. I call it Prostitution for Christ.

On Ward Christian Soldiers...

I happened to check my bulk mail and was suprised to have recieved this. Man, I could only imagine what Elizabeth Elliot or even Josh Harris would say.

Just Another Brick in the Wall.

Everytime I go into the breakroom I'm attacked by bad afternoon television, like Divorce Court. Everyone watches and laughs at these people making fools of themselves. At first I would watch and make sarcastic comments about the lameness of these shows. I would get blank looks from my co-workers who were slightly irritated that I was trying to have a conversation while 'Springer' was on. Now, I bring a book, sit in the corner and look like that geek who everyone made fun of in high school. Let me just say these aren't my people.

You and I Travel to the Beat of Different Drum...

I've been out with Sean for the third and final time.

I asked him to a come with me to the Hepcat show at the House of Blues and well it has never been clearer to me that that boy ain't for me. First, he kept making all these jokes about minorities. That is one of my biggest pet peeves ever! In this day and age it is so narrow, ignorant and telling of a person's character to put down another person based on something like race. There's a plethora of viable character flaws that one can use to mock another without resorting to race and culture. Ugh.

That being said he's not funny even when he's not making bad jokes about asians, blacks, mexicans, and all other minorities, he making bad jokes in general. That is another big huge pet peeve, not funny at all. If I'm giving a closed mouth smile with a snort-like giggle then I don't find you funny. If I start out with a loud hearty laugh that turns into a silent shake then I will sleep with you someday.

So I will see if I can find some smart, funny, musically inclined male who recites Sting songs to me and offers up tasty treats, to hang out with and have some fun.

Red, Red Wine...

...Actually Jack and Coke...I still have the I'm over 21 paper bracelet on my right wrist and a heavy buzz going on. I went out with Sean and I know that I will never let this guy touch my breasts. Its a feeling that a woman knows the instant she meets a man (or woman), will I let this guy see me naked. You can't fight it or deny it because it's always there like a smoker's cough.

I've never had this before, a guy who is more into me than I am into him. Well, I've had it but I've never let it get this far before. Now I have to deal with shit I don't want to deal with and its all my fault. I'm such a little tease. I don't want him at all but was hoping that would go away and he would become something special to me. Nope.

Now I'm dealing with this guy who wants to "talk" about everything. Ugh. Why can't he be a man and bottle everything up?

I'm drunk and going to bed. G'night.

Here's the Key to Unlock the Door, to my House, to my House...

I found out yesterday that the apartment in Hollywood is mine! I'm moving out on May 7th! I will take some pictures and post as soon as I can. I've never had a place that's just mine and I'm thrilled. Yes, I will get lonely at times, but I won't miss living with the Korean Ken and Barbie.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

I wish I had more self-confidence. The problem is that, on a regular basis, I doubt myself and my choices. After years of introspection I have come to figure out a few things. One of my problems is that in the past I have made some bad choices and loyally followed those choices to very disastrous results. From school, to religious beliefs, to my lovelife, to even friendship I have not seen my error until my life is completely fucked up. Then I retreat in my room until I am able to pick myself out of my bed and away from my TV to face the world again.
I think it is obvious how this can affect my confidence. I am scared to death to make a major choice in my life but would rather float around until I land somewhere. Everybody makes mistakes but I'm the only one who has to live with the day to day results of my mistakes.
Maybe what it really comes down to is my desire to be perfect. I want to be all things to all mankind and be truly proud of myself. I want to sail through life. I want to have things come to me with as little struggle as possible. I hate all the hard work and disappointment. I hate dating and knowing that this guy isn't the one. I hate having to work at a job I don't like just so I can have the life I want. I hate having all of my choices questioned by people who love me. I'm just so tired. I'm twenty-eight and already tired of my life.

Long Gone Lonesome Blues...

Just listening to Vintage Country on Launchcast Plus.

War! Huh! Good God, Y'all! What is it Good For?

My father is a military history buff and is always trying to get me to watch "Saving Private Ryan" or some old John Wayne movie. I am not into WWII movies at all. Macho men acting all tough and not a single interesting female character. But for some reason I can't help but watch Band Of Brothers. It wasn't until tonight that I realized what it is...the guys.

It's not just all these hot actors acting all manly with big guns and bloody wounds. There is also something very dark and nihilistic about which kinda turns me on too. Hitler was a nasty son of a bitch that needed to be brought down which was something they all knew. But to be brought into a situation like war where they might die or watch their friends die, sucks. That some drug addict, one testicle having freak with a god complex is the reason behind all this death and destruction would make anyone cynical and pissed off.

Finally, war seems like the only way for men to know how weak they are and it makes them emotionally vulnerable. I love it when men are emotionally vulnerable. These men could relate to each other's weaknesses and allow for the emotions to come out In a manly macho way of course, but be expressed none the less.

That and it's just a good fucking mini-series.

You can Count on Me...

I like to steal ideas. This was a fun one...

Ten interesting things about Moi.

10. I have kept a journal for ten years.
9. At the age of 15 my father started an affair with a married (with children) twenty-six year old woman who later aborted his child.
8. My favorite song is "You Shook Me All Night Long" by ACDC.
7. I went to Rome all by myself and had an wonderful time.
6. The second guy I slept with was a cheerleader.
5. Deep down, it really doesn't matter to me if I get married. Same with having children.
4. I once insulted Geroge Clooney to his face.
3. I've had a secret crush on Charlie Sheen since "Ferris Buller's Day Off".
2. Once I salsa danced with an exotic dancer on stage at a strip club and won a porn called "Anna's Anal Adventure" for my effort.
1. I can't let any limb fall off the bed in fear that something will grab it and pull me under.

Smoking Cigarettes and Watching Captain Kangaroo...

It's 10:30 am and my roommates are giggling already. I can imagine the scene...She's sitting on the bed picking the sock lint from between her toes. He's coming out of the bathroom fresh from his morning BM. The sight of her eagerly digging at her toes fills him with a deep desire to tickle her. She looks up just in time to see him coming at her with tickle fingers. She screams, 'NO!' in mock protest, but it's too late! The tickling is swift and fierce as the giggling grows louder and more shrill. Finally they pull apart exhausted and breathless. After a moment of resting she resumes picking her toe lint and he scratches himself. Ah, domestic life...

Now back to my plate of Tater Tots and BBQ sauce.

Peter Jennings

Peter Jennings
Originally uploaded by Crimpop76.

Say it Ain't So...

I just found out that Peter Jennings has lung cancer. The day just got a bit suckier.

A Fine Example....

A Fine Example....
Originally uploaded by Crimpop76.

Of why I'm moving out...

Moving on Up!

Before I moved in my roommates and I agreed that we would give a month’s notice before I moved out. I let them know on March 31 that I was planning to move out in either May or June holding up my side of the deal. Now V, my roommate, is giving me massive passive aggressive guilt trips about not having a set date to move out.. She’s worried that there won’t be enough time to another roommate and have her move in at the beginning of the month. I feel like saying that as long as I’m out by May I don’t feel like this is my problem. If I stay past May I will pay for the time I overlap.
As I went to the kitchen to make myself some tater tots I saw this note on the corkboard.

"Hi Debbye!~
We found someone who can move in the beginning of May. (I haven't even found an apartment yet. I only told them I was planning on moving in May or June) We'd like to try and coordinate the moves so that you each have time to move your stuff. ( Umm...I can feel it coming...) It's very difficult trying to find someone to move in without setting dates so we hope this will work for you too. (Ding! Ding! Ding! What the prize, Bob!? A passive aggressive remark from a control freak!) Ideally, we would have you do your move anytime before or on May 1st. (Note how she put before before on. She's a master)

Please let us know.
VK"

Notice how it sounds upbeat and nice? No look deeper....Can't you feel the hostility? I guess you have to live with her to really understand. This is some dark shit I tell you.

Will I be alone forever?

Gril and Her Television #2
Originally uploaded by Crimpop76.

Oh Debbye....

Jon
Originally uploaded by Crimpop76.

...I will come for you soon.

All By Myself...

In a nutshell...

*I went on a date Friday night.

*Realized I was going to die alone when I rejected him because he was too nice.

*Spent most of the evening in silent cringe.

*After the kiss and hug goodnight I actually said,’That’s all you get!"

*Oh fuck, I just want to meet some great guy so I don’t have to go on anymore bad, uncomfortable dates!

Jon

Jon
Originally uploaded by Crimpop76.

He's thinking of all the gifts he wants to give me...