Journal

Journal
Originally uploaded by Crimpop76.

Ah. All my secrets. Yeah, I'm not interested either.

You had to sneak into my room ’just’ to read my diary. Oh, it was just to see, just to see (all the things you knew I’d written about you...)

There was a documentary last night about the Plague that spread through Europe in the fourteenth century that included personal accounts of the events, mostly journals. Of course these journals were by the members of the upper classes because the peasants were usually illiterate. Little did these men know that their words would last for centuries. That just amazes me.
I have been regularly keeping a journal since December 29, 1996 and I plan on keeping one until I die. Maybe in the future there will be some students researching my journals to get a picture of what society was like during the change of the millennium. I think they will be disappointed because I don't leave my apartment much.
I have looked up the seventh line of the fiftieth page and decided to share them. After having written them down and reading them together I feel this is an accurate account of the last nine years.
12-29-96 to 9-8-97 *from 1-31-97
"I love Him; He loves me."

9-10-97 to 6-8-98 *from 11-27-97
"She was talking about how we need to spend time alone with God and that, 'it is a good thing to remember that we are here not to pester God but to adore Him.'"

6-14-98 to 2-17-00 *from 8-9-98
"I want depth to know the secrets of an ancient event,
Where you hung on a tree hoping I would repent"

2-18-00 to 10-05-00 *from 5-29-00
"My bikini's elastic quitted so it kept falling off by the wave's pressure."

10-6-00 to 2-18-01 *from 11-5-00
"I want a balance of adult and child."

2-18-01 to 11-29-01 *from 5-6-01
"The other day she even walked around without a bra on."

12-3-01 to 3-26-02 *from 1-18-02
"I guess that's noone else’s fault but mine."

3-27-02 to 12-7-02 *from 5-7-02
"I guess it's because I'm on academic probation right now."

12-9-02 to 9-29-03 *from 2-19-03
"I'm not a kid anymore."

(At this time I lost a journal during a move)
5-21-04 to 10-25-05 *from 8-8-04
"So, I'm having major mood shifts, you might want to call me the San Andres of emotions."

3-13-05 to 4-26-05 *from 4-26-05
"I would like something in or closer to LA but that's just convenience”

(Current Journal)5-8-05 to ??? *from 6-2-05
"If this is something he does then I'm better off without that wacko factor in my life."

Intriguing I know. It seems that most of these sentences were written after a statement of some kind. If I'd just pick the sixth sentence then there would be an entirely different picture of who I am. I still can't read my journal all the way through because I end up cringing or crying. Sometimes I happen upon an entry that describes an event I have no memory of. It was important at the time because I wrote it down, but now it's gone. Not even a faint memory, just no recollection at all. I guess that's why I keep a journal.

Now I Know My ABC's...

I enjoy keeping up with the young people because it keeps me young (I turn 29 this Wednesday.) Also I live in LA, so being able to communicate with my fellow city dwellers is important.

Therefore I have to go to the Urban Dictionary on a regular basis. Here are a few of my favorite new terms:

Sack of Bitch ~ "to be a bitch of proportions so large that a large sack is required to carry multiple bitches."

D-cup ~ "bra for the boob size that typically won't fit in your mouth"

Magnum P.I. ~ "Act of sexual deviance involving one individual urinating directly into another individual's eye."

hiney pucker ~ "involuntary response to seeing the surprise scary part of a scary movie"

muffin top ~ "The abdominal spillover that results from a husky woman wearing a too-tight pair of low-cut pants."



What can I say, I love knowledge.

The Boys are Back In Town

I finally made it out of my apartment last night to go see my friend Jason's new band, Red Eye. They're very LA rock and roll, complete with a passionate lead singer and ironic tee-shirts. I was Jason's only friend who saw the show. Afterwards our friend Mike showed up. Then we sat around, drank beer and shared witticisms. Just me and the boys. This whole not having a job thing can be good for something.

Speaking of not having a job, I had an interview yesterday. I think it went well. I said the right things and my friend Kathy works there which I hope means something. I hate to go on interviews!!

Therefore, I think getting up and going to an interview entitles me to a treat! In fact it entitles me to four treats. Namely, a Marc Jacobs skirt and blouse as well as a BCBG skirt and sweater. Suddenly everything was good in the world.

This was a special shopping trip because I got to go into the back room. It seems that because I looked nice (dressed for the interview) and had some high quality clothing in my broke little hands I was too good for the regular dressing rooms. The lovely Macy's by Appointment sales lady took my clothes and arranged them in a dressing room the size of my apartment. The consumer in me did a jig of gluttony! I wanted more! More! More!

What is worse is that everything fit and I liked it all! So I said what the fuck and bought it all. With my own money. Now I have a credit card that I can't use for a while but I do love my clothes. Ahhh...acting irresponsible felt really good for some reason like I wasn't really an adult with adult type problems.

Wedding Hangover

Wedding Hangover
Originally uploaded by Crimpop76.

No more weddings, churches, flowers, programs, dresses, cuff-links, relatives, get-togethers...I've had it.

So This Is It...

Okay. For the last two days I have been recovering from The Wedding Week, otherwise know as the week I decided to never get married. I did some blogging last week but I don't know if I truly captured the mood. So here is a recap of the weeks events.

~My sister, Rebecca, and I almost came to blows over her wedding programs. She was obsessed with making sure her guests would know which side was the front since there wasn't a name plate. I guess she was imagining that the guests being so confused by the ambiguous program cover that they would just storm out of the church cursing her name. So, Becca got some stamps and then told me to apply the stamps in each of the four corners then proceeded to watch me stamp a few programs. I guess she was thinking that without her guidance I would start stamping willy-nilly. At this point I had to remind her that I was the one who actually majored in the Visual Arts and she was the lawyer. If I wanted to seek some sort of litigation against the programs I would call her. Arrgh!

~If you are ever to meet anyone from Serbia and they kiss you three times on your cheeks, don't panic or think he or she is making a pass at you. That is how the Serbians greet people they like or will become future family members. It'll take some time to get the coordination right but I'll give you a tutorial: It's right cheek, left cheek, then right cheek. And that's on the face.

~I am not really in the mood for small talk at this time in my life. There were parties and get-togethers all week and it just wore me out. Being unemployed, a tad heavy and boyfriendless has made me a bit depressed. And if I choose to stay in my bedroom and watch A&E rather than talk about flowers arrangements and the weather don't be angry. I am there in spirit.

~I read a great book and it has made me think. I have found myself trying to be sexy while alone in my apartment. I think it has gone too far.

And that's about it.

Whatever.

Heavy into wedding mode I have a bit of a breakdown. I just can't be around people today. Everything just overwhelming and I spent the day in bed. I've been really good for the last week, but my moody blues came up and bit me in the ass.

What I hate most is that because I'm a woman it's customary that I must be into this wedding. Nothing is more boring than putting together programs, making centerpieces and most boring of them all, taking about the wedding. I'm excited about the actual wedding and wearing my beautiful new shoes, but I could do without hours of wedding talk. If I ever do get married I just want something as simple as possible or I will hire a wedding planner. But most likely I will die alone which is fine.

I Don't Need Anyone This Time...

Madonna's new documentary, I'm Going To Tell You A Secret, is coming out as a sort of sequel Truth or Dare, a look into the singer's 1993 Blonde Ambition Tour. Anyhow I do want to see this movie, not because I'm such a big fan of Madonna's new stuff. But I was a big fan of Truth Or Dare and it made a big impact on my teenage life. Here was this woman who was rich, powerful, sexual and rather selfish. She did what she wanted to do and I just loved that. I wanted to be a bitch like that. I was a sixteen year-old who fancied herself a feminist and Madonna was well a saint to me.
Then I became a born-again fundie for a few years and all my Madonna-fueled bitchiness had to be left behind. I had to be a nice little Christian girl, which is the opposite of my natural personality. I had to deny everything that was contrary to my faith including my sexuality, playfulness, anger, sadness, intelligence and sense of humor. I became simple and ignorant. And very unhappy. Suicidal in fact. I had never really had a desire to kill myself before I was born again. And I haven't felt that way in the years since I've left the church.
Anyhow, I think I was so afraid of the bitchy side of my personality, because I should've been a good girl. So I went back to the source to see if I could reclaim the same inspiration. Madonna's desire to not play by the rules still made me glow. In one well known scene she made fun of 90's hottie dejour Kevin Costner when he called her show "neat". Madonna says," 'Neat'? Anyone who says my show is neat has to go." (Oh Madonna!) But I found her self-centeredness to be tiresome and silly now that I wasn't a teenager anymore. Now I have to go out and find myself by myself because I was not going to get any help from the Material Girl.
As Madonna is now an icon, wife, mother and Kaballah princess, she says she has grown as a person. I know that I have changed in the last twelve years as well. I have learned how to let go of the past and become more honest and self-aware. As an adult sometimes I have to do things that I don't want to do, like work at jobs that aren't fulfilling and pay bills. But as I get closer to thirty I am quite proud of who I am becoming. Now all I need is my own documentary.

Colors

I saw this web site in a magazine and had to check it out. I fucking love satire.

You Don't Own Me...

With the house to myself I decide to break out my feminist zines, Bitch and Bust. These two magazines may have the same theme but have their own personalities. Bitch is like that professor who likes to challenge you with her non-stop agenda pushing information. She has a dark sense of humor and you don't know if you like her or not. And really that doesn't matter because she's so interesting and extreme that you can't help but stay in the class.
Bust, on the other hand, is like that cool older cousin who tells you stories of all her cool friends and wants you to think in a different way. She does challenge you but in a gentle, non-judgmental way that makes you feel much hipper than you actually are. She's girlie and silly but you know she can take care of herself mentally and physically.
Yep, I can read my feminist literature without freaking out my grandmother which I have been doing on a regular basis. Yesterday she asked what I was doing and I said I was making a comment on my friend's blog. "Oh," she said, "I don't know what that is," and she walked away. To be honest I am not very close with my grandmother. The most we've communicated in the last eight years was, Thanks for the money grandma! Why you're welcome. So her interest in my life is all of a sudden feels invasive. That and I don't want to explain why my magazine is named Bitch.

I'm Only Happy When It Rains...

The family is in full wedding mode and at this moment I could care less. Currently I am sitting at the kitchen table of the house we rented in Summerland, California. This morning I awoke to a large bang and later found out that my 83 year old grandmother fell out of her bed upstairs. Then I drove with my dad to Montclair to pick up some things my folks forgot at their house. We talked about my future and I get the feeling that I'm turning into the girl who cried wolf as I have changed the direction of my career path lots and lots of times.
When we returned to the rental house I retreated to my bedroom downstairs and wrote in my journal. Now my sister is here and all talk is wedding, wedding, wedding. It is so boring I just want to suffocate myself with the stuffed animals that are on every bed in this place. Now my dad is dancing to some jazz and trying to make me laugh. It worked. I haven't spent this much time with my entire family in a long, long time. And I have another four days to go. Please pray for my sanity.

Poppa's Got A Brand New Bag...

One reason I decided to not look for a job until after my sister's wedding was the hope that in this free time I would figure out my next step. I have figured out a few things:

1. I don't want to work in the profit sector.

I hate that in the name of "customer service" I am really performing "stockholder service". It comes down to this; customer service is basically applying lube before you give 'em a good ass-raping. I don't like making rich white men even richer so in turn they can sponsor a president who will do their bidding. It just makes me ill.

Therefore,

2. I would like to work in non-profit or start a non-profit.

I am rather unqualified for this endeavor but I have a hard-on as big as Texas to help those who are really in need. I always wanted to live this designer shoe, fast-track life, but I've come to realize that isn't what is going to satisfy me. I'm not really all that glamorous and I don't really want to be. I do love the thought of self-sacrifice to those who need help. I want to help preteen and teenage girls love and value themselves, build homes for needy families, help homeless single mothers learn skills so they can take care of their families, get women safely out of abusive households, to end poverty and violence against women, ...the list goes on.

3. I don't want to be in the Entertainment Industry.

As cool as it sounds, I just don't give a shit anymore. I was a theatre major and always felt rather indifferent to really having a career in that arena. Most of it just seems so foolish and silly. I love theatre and art and believe that they are as necessary as the air we breathe. But I don't think my heart is in it anymore.

That's as far as I've gotten so far. I just feel refreshed and renewed being out of the city. It's even raining out here. Lovely.

Bust a Cap in that Ass...

I went to my sister's bachelorette party last night and it basically turned me into a lesbian. Me, my sister and her friends went to a club to go dancing but instead we walked into the fucking lion's den. This club was full of the most aggressive men I have ever seen! One kept trying to dance with my sister but I told him go away. Most guys would take that as a sign to go away. But this drunk asshole took it as a challenge. He followed my sister around and tried to kiss her.
I was becoming rather angry at this point and told him to fuck off and gave him a shove. He finally went away but kept coming back to make a move on my sister and bug me. Oh I just wanted to hit him! In fact I came up with a whole plan of action in case things got worse.
I was going to hit him closed fist in the jaw and being as inebriated as he was I'm sure he would've gone down pretty easily. Then I was going to turn and walk out of the club like the cool cat that I was.
This of course didn't happen, but it would've been really cool. I mean I've always wanted to hit someone and this drunk asshole was one of my best chances. But I might have gotten arrested and that would've sucked. So I went outside and smoked a cigarette. While smoking my cigarette I decided that I was now a lesbian.
My reasons to change my sexual preference are threefold. First, boys are lame. Secondly, I am no longer being to boys after seeing their behavior in afore mentioned nightclub. Third, did I mention that boys are lame?
Then we went to a restaurant to get some post dancing and drinking chow. We were in line when some guy said we cut in front of him and called us bitches. I, being in a fighting mood, said that we may be bitches but he's behind us. The girls started laughing and that just egged me on. I then said that he's the bitch now that he's staring at my ass. Anyhow he was none too pleased with my behavior and let me know. I shined him on and got our burritos.
After I became a personal hero to all of my sister's friends we went home. My sister had a blast and really that's all that matters in the long run. All I had to do is become a dyke. Who would've thought?

White Wedding...

This is the day before the Wedding Week!! I'm going to up to Santa Barbara this week for my sister's wedding next Saturday. This week will be about flowers, dresses, dinners, hanging with family, shopping and much much more. I am pretty excited but I know that I will have wedding overload by the end of the week. I hope to have some updates this week...

Only the Echos of My Mind...

Okay, so John, my date, is a cool guy and I'm attracted to him. That doesn't mean anything.

So there.

Underneath it All...

Today I had one of those bad days. A day that have nothing to do with my mood or what side of the bed I woke up on. Well that's not true as I did only get about three hours of sleep, but even if I had the recommended eight hours today would have still been ucky. I won't go into the details too much, but let me say the day included an unanticipated trip to Home Depot, hiding from Mormons and smelly foreign guys. I just want to watch Lost and go to bed.

Everybody can succeed, all you need is to believe...

Why surveys, myspace and three am doesn't mix well for me.


01. DO YOU SNORE?
no

02. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
I'm a fighter. All the damn way...

03. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
That the zit that is on my cheek with get bigger and try to take over the world or tell me to do bad things to the people that I love.

04. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
Yep. My mom would step on them and scream at me for leaving them on the floor.

05. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY" TV?
In reality people are fat. Show that you bitches.

06. DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
I make heart shapes at the ends

07. WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
The very cutest in the world and universe.

08. IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
Well I have a date tomorrow, so we'll see.

09. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
Black

10. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
All the time.

11. HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
no, because I'm not stupid.

12. ANY SECRET TALENTS?
I know 27 ways to kill a man with a beanie baby

13. WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
Anywhere with room service.

14. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
My dignity, no wait that's the last thing I sold.

15. CAN YOU SWIM?
Yep

16. HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?
Yes, and l too love Jakey boy.

17. DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?
Why what have you heard? Has the ozone been talking shit about me again?

18. HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOSTIE POP?
Oh, fuck you.

20. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?
Yes, and I've also been on a cheerleader and that was more fun...

21. ARE YOU A SINGLE CHILD?
No i'm a single adult. It would've been weird if I had a boyfriend as a child.

22. DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENERS?
Whatever I can stick a pencil into is fine by me.

23. WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
I've got the eye of the tiger

24. IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
I don't even know if sex is in my future.

25. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
No it looks like a deranged amputee got ahold of a small child, dipped him in ink and attempted to write.

26. WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Little curly black hairs

27. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"?
To my Kirk Cameron Poster over my bed.

28. IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE?
No fool he was SHOT! By a gun.

29. DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
No because marriage is legalized prostitution and why, tell me why would I cry at that? Huh? Huh? Why?

30. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
In my ovaries and unfertilized.

31. ARE BLONDES DUMB?
As long at they're adults naked and know how to use their tongue they don't have to be all that smart

32. WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
On the penis of a Red Hot Chili Pepper.

33. WHAT TIME IS IT?
Time to die, you commie bitch.

34. DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
Cisco Kid.

35. IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?
Yes, you should hear the nasty shit that comes out of that clown's mouth.

36. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?
When I last drove it stupid.

37. DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
I don't bathe, I just get a bunch of cats to lick me clean.

38. IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL?
Only as real as the medication you take.

39. DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?
By what?

40. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
No, but it's afraid of me...

41. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
The fresh blood of virgins.

42. CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
With all the pain and suffering in this world you dare ask me such a foolish question. For shame, survey, for shame.

43. CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
Do I look like a ninja?

44. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
Is that a proposition?

45. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?
If I have to brush my teeth 48 times for the little voices to stop.

46. IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
No.

47. ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
Well, I have gained a little bit of weight but I wouldn't say I'm a heavy sleeper. John Goodman, there's a heavy sleeper.

48. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
Red from all the crack.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
What kind of lame ass question is that? Of course not.

51. WHO'S BETTER: STONE COLD OR THE ROCK?
I like the Rock's earlier abstract work but then he became mainstream.

52. ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
Yes, and I see a letter N. Do you know anyone with the letter N in his or her name? No, then I guess I'm not psychic.

53. HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?
I ingested it, does that count?

54. DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
Only horns but they are played everytime I enter a room along with a short british man who says," Her Royal Highness of Funky Freshness, D-EGG"

55. HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
No just find stupid people and they'll give it to you.

56. CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?
Why would anyone do that?

57. DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
"Hairspray" was great! Oh, what? Oh camping not camp. Then no.

58. DO U SNORT WHEN U LAUGH?
Do you scream when you are bitten?

59. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
Do you believe in my ability to kick your ass would be a better question.

60. ARE DOGS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?
Did you know that a dog's penis expands and interlocks with the vagina that it is inside? This is to ensure that the act will be excuted until the male dog is finished.

So no, dogs aren't a man's best friend.

61. YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
I believe in open marriage.

62. CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
Do I look like I've been to the moon?

63. DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES?
Every mistake is like a chance to learn and grow...HAHAHA, Hoo-hoo, oh god I tried to keep a straight face but I couldn't, I just couldn't.

64. IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
No, I'm just cold on the inside where it counts.

65. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
I don't eat, I practice osmosis. The New Hollywood Osmosis Diet. What you do is look at pictures of skinny bitch actresses until it sinks in.

66. DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
I don't have nails anymore but I to polish my stubs.

67. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED?
By God, why yes I have.

68. WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
I must be honest for a moment, I love commercials.

69. DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
Do you like anal sex?

70. FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT?
The Degrassi Junior High Theme Song

Wake up in the morning, feeling shy and lonely,
gee, I gotta go to school.
I don't think I can make it, don't think I can take it,
I wonder what I'm gonna do.
But when I look around and see,
that someone is smiling right at me,
wait, someone’s talkin' to me, hey, I gotta new friend.
Everybody can succeed, all you need is to believe,
be honest with yourself, forget your fears and doubts,
come on give us a try at Degrassi Junior High.

Act Your Age, Not Your Shoe Size...

I have a date! He's a 42 year old screenwriter I met on Match.com. We're going out on Thursday for some drinks. I feel so very grown up. There was an hour long phone conversation in which we talked about this business we like to call show. I don't think I have a problem with the age thing, but I usually like my guys to be younger than me.

In fact I just had a conversation with my former F*ck Buddy. I really dug this kid, whose about 24, almost 25. Then he got a girlfriend and as I've recently learned moved in with her. He's been thinking of me and trying to find my email address. That tells me that things may not be going very well with the girlfriend. Maybe I'll get my fuck buddy back. Then I'll be happy.

Old School...

It is like the heavens have parted and bestowed upon me a great gift...

Reruns of Degrassi Junior High...

Cisco Kid, He was a Friend of Mine...

I've had a case of the mean reds lately so I've decided to come up with something that might cheer me up. I really only do this because I'm not feeling very loveable.

So here it is, the list of loveable things about...me.

1. No matter what I do, at the grocery store, I always pick the apple that causes the rest to tumble down.

Why do they stack them in a triangle? That's the real question.

2. I will always find the most obscure man in which to have crushes.

Forget about Mr Pitt and his lovely abs, I want Bill Nighy or Salmon Rushdie to cuddle up to late at night.

3. I never give up on someone I love.

One may do all sorts of devilish things to hurt me but if I love him or her I will never give that up. Some may call this a fault but I just don't think denial is the healthiest course of action.

4. Three or four times a week I leave the coffee maker on. All day.

I find it makes my apartment smell great. Yes, there is a fire risk but I'm willing to take that on to have my place smell like a coffee house.

5. I have fantastic style.

I has a strange psychic ability to not only pick out the best quality and most stylish but also the most expensive. Oops.

6. I cry at anything.

Which is fun to mock and if I get a proper boyfriend I will give him a playful smack for doing so.

I love to Laugh! HA HA HA HA!

My Cell Phone Voicemail Message: "Hi, you've reached Debbye. I'm unable to come to my phone right now but if you leave your name, number and a brief massage I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks."

Message From Unknown Caller With Thick Hispanic Accent: "Hector?"

Pause.

Click.

Man, it doesn't get any better than that...

When You Wish Upon A Star...

When I was a little girl I used to spin around and around hoping that one day I would become Wonder Woman. I even wore my WW underoos and various accouterment that would make the change that much easier. After making myself sick with the spinning I would just give up and play Wonder Woman. But it just never felt right.

Also I would go to the back of every closet and wardrobe looking for Narnia.

And I would look for Smurfs at the base of every tree.

Just once I wish I would've found something magical.

Though maybe if I did I'd quit looking.

Do you know what it feels like for a girl?

I had another baby dream last night. I won't go into every aspect of the dream but I remember having this small delicate baby that I had to take care of and restore back to health. At one point the baby was crying and I was trying to find what she needed. I just couldn't figure it out, nothing I did would stop the baby from crying. Finally, I got her a diaper and she peed in it until it was full even before I could close the diaper up. I then realized that she was crying because she was holding her pee for so long. Then I was woken up by a phone call from my mother.

I have had many baby dreams over the last few years. This time I wanted to figure out why I keep having those dreams and why I had one now. So, I went to a dream interpretation web site and here's what it said:

To see a baby in your dream, signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies may symbolize something in your own inner nature which is pure, vulnerable, and/or uncorrupted. Babies may represent an aspect of yourself that is vulnerable and helpless. If you dream that you forgot you had a baby, then it suggests that you are trying hide your own vulnerabilities; You do not want to let others know of your weaknesses.

To dream of a crying baby, is indicative of a part of yourself that is deprived of attention and needs some nurturing. Alternatively, it represents your unfulfilled goals and a sense of lacking in your life.

To dream of an extremely small baby, symbolizes your helplessness and your fears of letting others become aware of your vulnerabilities and incompetence. You may be afraid to ask for help and as a result tend to take matters into your own hands.

Okay, okay I can see that. I also see babies as a big responsibility and taking care of one is a sign of being overwhelmed. I just hate all these creepy baby dreams. Ugh.

Wide Open Spaces

I need to get out of my apartment and accomplish some things in life. I am not looking for work until my sister's wedding is over. I don't want a repeat of my last job. That means I'm not working at all during the next three weeks. My jobs in the past few years haven't been thrilling but they really took up a great deal of time. I hate all this sitting around and trying to think of something to do. I hate not getting paid. I hate wanting all of these things to make my apartment cute not even knowing if I'm going to be able to keep it in two months. Ugh. I just hate my life.

Late at night it's worse. I just think of how I'm not going to work the next day so I get depressed. In my fantasy world all of my friends come and rally around me in a "Friends"-style moment and I feel the security of their love. Life isn't like that at all. Yes I know my friends love me very much, but they have their own lives and most likely don't think of me sitting in my little room. I am just so god-damn needy right now! I also want to fuck away my problems. If I could just find a nice little (not really little) fuck-buddy I would at least fill up a few hours a week. I'm just that bored. Sigh.

Freedom

Freedom
Originally uploaded by Crimpop76.

I guess I'm way beyond the pain...

Say I'm having sex with a guy and things are going well. He's feeling good and I'm almost there. You know that magical place right before the Big O. I have to focus very deeply at that point so maybe my eyes are closed and my face is a bit contorted. At this point never is the guy to stop and ask that awful question.

"Are you OK? Am I hurting you?"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I just want to punch a guy in his concerned face when he asks me that! What am I to say?

"Oh yes, you big stud! You're enormous penis is just too much for my poor little vagina! You're strength and power is overwhelming me! Please go easy on me for I am just a fragile little girl!"

If I was in pain I'd go, "Ouch. That hurts." Or I'd just change positions. Geez, I am a grown woman who can express discomfort.

In fact, there are only three times in which I can remember painful sex, besides losing my virginity in which I bled for three days. First, was when a drunk young man stuck his fingers inside me in such an uncharacteristically aggressive manner. I had to sit on him to stop the advance. I write that one up to lack of experiences and too much Guinness beer.
Then there was another gentleman who like to take me from behind. While that may be an enticing position for guys, I find it to be uncomfortable at times unless positioned in the right way. I yelled out, "Ouch! That hurts!" At that point our relationship was literally moments from ending so I just think he was fucking for his life.
Finally, there was the one time I had sex with a girl. That was the most aggressive sexual experience I have EVER had. She sat on me and diddled with my bits like she was tenderizing a steak. I was way too stoned and drunk to protest. In fact I think the fact that she was a girl was the only reason I didn't tell her to stop. Call it a high school thing but I find it hard to confront a girl with any negative criticism, especially one with her hand down your pants.
So Fellas, unless I’m yelling out, "What are you doing down there you stupid fuck?!" just keep going and try not to finish too soon. Think about baseball or your grandma or something.

So ends the lecture. Thank you.

Grandma's bowls...

Grandma's Bowls
Originally uploaded by Crimpop76.

I am so bored I could just evaporate.

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend...

When things go very wrong in my life I tend to get self-destructive. I smoke, drink, have sex with the wrong people, stay up too late, eat too much or develop eating disorders, spend money that I don't have...you know the basic stuff. Just outward signs of the inner tumoil.

Or it's a doomsday kind of thing. Like everything is so fucked up that I might as well continue with the downward spiral. Eventually I'm going to crash and burn or pick myself up and go.

Also I tend to punish myself for the fuck-up that is my life. I don't deserve to be healthy or eat well, or have a loving normal relationship. I don't deserve to feel safe and secure after I have made such a mess of my life.

It's all so gross and perverse but I don't want to change. I guess I just want a vacation from adulthood.

So Why Don't You Kill Me...

I find myself awake at ten AM on Saturday morning after going to bed just five hours of sleep. My alarm went off in the middle of a sex dream. Well, the sex was just about to happen when all of a sudden Janis Joplin started yelling at me about taking another little piece of her heart. I was very disappointed.

Then I realized that I didn't buy my sister a present for her Wedding Shower that is happening today (the reason for the alarm) so I feel like an even smaller piece of crap than usual. Being fired twice in two weeks has made me a bit self-centered and most other things have just slipped my mind. Ugh. I'm a bit of a loser at the moment.