Follow all the zany antics and adventures of a city-fied California girl as she adjusts to small town life in Missouri.
Or something cliched like that.
Okay, I wish I was this cool when I was a teenager. And by cool, I'm talking about being a British teenager in a ukulele band. Enjoy Rocky and Balls' Love Cake:
I'm taking Math 10. I need to take statistics to graduate with a BA in psychology and since I haven't taken a math class since the Clinton administration I'm forced to start with Math 10. Math 10 is the lowest math class that my university has to offer. After that I have to take Math 11 and Math 12, get a C or better and then I'll be given the blessing to take statistics. That's a whole year of math. When I planned out my last year or so of school I didn't plan on taking a year of math. I thought I'd take the math placement and maybe I'd get into Math 12 or at the worst Math 11. Nope. Math 10. This extra year is another casualty of my oddly high, and usually proven unwarranted, self-confidence in my abilities.*
Our first lesson was fractions. Fractions. I had to re-learn how to multiply, divide, add and subtract fractions. Its okay, I like fractions. Yet it's humiliating in a chick-lit heroine kind of way. Bridget Jones goes back to school; watch her make a fool out of herself! The positive aspect of this is that I have learned to sustain a quiet dignity that keeps me from weeping into my pillow and pulling the covers over my head forever.
What keeps me doing this is that I'm determined to follow this path as long as it takes me to get where I want to go. I haven't felt this way since I was a born-again Christian determined to do God's will. There was an indescribable force that compelled me forward, a belief in what my purpose was, when I was Christian that kept me moving forward. I'm an atheist so I don't believe that force is God rather I think that, like Dorothy's ruby slippers, I had the power the whole time.
But damn, couldn't I have figured this out ten years ago? Really, I didn't have to go through all those years of aimlessness in the theater department, be fired a shitload of times, or move back in with my parents...that was kinda overkill, ya know?
*I also tend to pile unusually high amounts of food on my plate at buffets, turn my first workout in six months into a two hour long session of running, biking and weight training, and plan a complete three room overhaul in one Saturday afternoon.
I call people back and return emails. I don't put off my homework, financial aid forms or car repairs anymore. I wake up early and get to class on time. I've been finding ways to make my money last rather than spend it in a nihilistic manner. I'm eating more healthy foods than unhealthy. I'm planning on going to the doctor to get my thyroid levels checked out. I'm not scared of boys (or men) and relationships. I'm reaching out to people I've lost touch with. I'm letting go of people who've let go of me. I'm getting angry and taking action when I'm treated unfairly. I'm thinking critically. I have passion. I feel like a worthwhile person that has something to offer the world.
Let me tell you, this is a big change from a few years ago. I was so weighted down with the heavy burden of my own life. I resented anyone who wanted anything from me because I felt like I had nothing to give. I was a ghost of a person, an illusion. Now, I'm solid.
Being denied entrance into the lowest-level math class was the last straw.
That's it.
I'm tired of this.
I'm tired of living with my parents. I'm tired of being poor. I'm tired of having to explain myself all the time. I'm tired of everyone saying how proud they are that I've finally figured out my life. I'm tired of constant humiliation and embarrassment. I'm tired of justifying myself. I'm tired of school. I'm tired of being alone. I want to go on vacation. I want a boyfriend. I want to finish my senior project. I want to finish school. I want to get the classes I want without all the bureaucratic bullshit. I want to fit into my skinny jeans. I want to be financially secure. I want a job. I want to help women. I want to do research. I want to finish my math classes. I want all of this to be done. I want to get laid. I want something easy to do. I want to sleep. I'm tired of wanting. I'm tired of not ever feeling satisfied. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of being misunderstood. I'm tired of being the strong, supportive friend. I want to be the mess for a while. I want everyone to stop worrying about me. I want people to have faith in me. I want a boy I like to like me back. I'm tired of television. I'm tired of seeing people have a life. I want a life of my own. I want Joe to sing me more songs. I don't want to be someone's plan-B. I want a vacation. I want more money. I want to go to sleep.
I've been reading this very interesting blog Everysaturdaymorning about what life is like for the escorts at a clinic that provides abortions. The aggressive tactics of the "protesters" seem way more psychologically damaging than an abortion. Even if you're anti-abortion, to harrass women in a very difficult time in their life seems to go against the religious concepts of "love the sinner, hate the sin", "he who is without sin cast the first stone" and even the idea that God gives us all free-will. Women are smart enough to make this choice and anyone who claims to know better is just a jackass and a bully.
