I'm outta here!

I just need to get away. I keep making the same mistakes over and over again and I just need to do some thinking. So, I'm driving up the coast for the next few days. I'll be back on Saturday.

Yes, Kathy, I'll be back in time for your party... :)

Steve, you'll just have to live without me for a while...

Pop Quiz

I have a friend named Steve, who just broke up with his girlfriend. To cheer him up, I send him, by means of cell phone, pictures of me in various forms of undress. Now this is only something I would do for my friend Steve. You know, to brighten his day. Would you call this:

a) A funny and sweet way to make a friend feel better.

b) Very dysfunctional and not feminist. It should stop immediately.

c) Improper use of modern technology.

d) All of the above.

Hurry and answer because I just took another picture and I want to know if I should send it as soon as possible or just keep it to myself.

Whatta Year!

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before? I went to traffic court, was fired for the third time (that was new), broke a lease, turned thirty.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I never make resolutions, because that would require a commitment.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My friend Sandra had a baby.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Nope.

5. What countries did you visit? No new countries

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? To be closer to an actual direction in my life and some more sex.

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? April 21: I was fired from REM Eyewear and the entire course of my life changed.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Not going completely insane was a good achievement. I managed to pull myself out of the crap that I had created for myself and have a sense of pride about that. I also managed to handle some humiliating experiences with dignity and self-respect. I also watched every episode of The Gilmore Girls.

9. What was your biggest failure? Continuing with a life that was making me very unhappy for as long as I did wasn’t one of my proudest moments.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I’m sick right now. I twisted an ankle getting off a ladder.

11. What was the best thing you bought? I paid off my lease so I could go back to school. And some yarn to knit gifts for my friends.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My dad for finally putting himself first and treating his depression.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Mr. Bush and his cronies, my former bosses, some boys, a few girls and my own damn self

14. Where did most of your money go? Paying off bills mostly

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Making a step towards a life I can be proud of. Having sex after a year and a half break was nice too.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006? “Fuck and Run” By Liz Phair

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Oh, much happier
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner, but not by much
c) richer or poorer? Poorer but I have my self-respect

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Went to bed earlier, exercise, ate more veggies, hung out with my friends, enjoyed living in a city while I was there.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Feeling sorry for myself, watching TV, arguing with Brian, staying in when I wanted to go out.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? With my parents at the homestead.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006? Nope, not really

22. How many one-night stands? One I can verify as a one night stand, since I didn’t sleep with him again.

23. What was your favorite TV program? The Gilmore Girls, before it turned dark.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Yes, but it’s shallow, petty and I’m not proud of it.

25. What was the best book you read? Backlash, by Susan Fauldi

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? The Ditty Bops, Blossom Dearie, punk shows, that I still love jazz,

27. What did you want and get? Time to think, the chance to go back to school, a safe harbor to come in from the storm and great sex.

28. What did you want and not get? More sex, a boyfriend, to lose some weight, a decent part-time job, more money.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? Mary Poppins

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I had a little get together with my friends and I got rather drunk. I turned thirty this year.

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? To still have my apartment as well as the chance to go back to school. That would’ve been nice…

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? Less corporate more bohemian.

33. What kept you sane? My girlfriends (Kathy, Jen, Becky), coffee, talking to my dad, feministing.com, text messages from Steve (as well as many phone conversations), punk shows with Brian, hot showers, wine, Us Weekly, Western Bacon Cheeseburgers Combos from Carl’s Jr…

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Jon Stewart, my dream man.

35. What political issue stirred you the most? The response to Hurricane Katrina and the complete denial on the part of the current administration in regards to the war in Iraq and many, many other issues. Though dumping Mr. Rumsfeld was a good start.

36. Who did you miss? I can’t think of anyone.

37. Who was the best new person you met? Thomas from my old job, though we don’t keep in touch.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006: Too many! To not settle in life would be a big one. You don’t need anyone else to validate your life, you’re the only person with the ability to do that.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: “I'm not like the girls that you've known/ But I believe I'm worth coming home to/Kiss away night/This girl only sleeps with butterflies/ So go on and fly then boy” Sleeps with Butterflies by Tori Amos.

Well, if it's for a good cause...

And really my options are limited, I guess I could double click the mouse for peace.

Or give my nubbin' a good rubbin'.

Or give my muffin a buffin'.

Or tease the kitty.

Hee-hee.

Bah

This Christmas I've decided that I'm part Debbie Downer, part Bill Dauterive (from King of the Hill), and part Grinch in the body of a thirty year old woman.

Don't expect a lot from me this year.

My kind of lady

I was a bit too young to really be a part of the Free to be...You and Me generation, but something tells me I would've liked it.

The Girl Can't Help It!

According to a new study it looks like most Americans have had pre-marital sex, despite our current administration's push towards abstinence until marriage as the norm. This study brings me back to my fundie Christian days in which I, as well as all my friends, made a vow to save myself until marriage. Little did I know, half of my friends were already knocking the boots while we few virgins were taking the vow seriously. To be fair most had already had sex before they became Christians and the average marriage age in the church was in the early twenties.

Later when I found out about all the nookie my Christian friends were having, while I saved myself for marriage I find I'm rather pissed off about the whole thing. I left the church and, at age twenty-three, eventually had sex with another disgruntled former X-ian who was also a virgin. The last seven years I've been systematically making up for lost times and I think at age thirty I'm caught up.

Now my situation was based on a standard that I agreed to uphold, but having abstinence only sex education as the policy for all children and teenagers seems pretty extreme and unfair based on current information. Especially with studies like this that show that pre-material sex is more of the norm. Promoting abstinence seems like grasping the cold dead hand of former ideals of sexuality. If it's dead, let's bury it and teach children how to take care of themselves.

Whew!

My damn school just got back to me on the status of my admissions and it looks like, come this spring, I'll be a student again! Yay! I must admit the stress of waiting for this information has slowly seeped into every aspect of my life. If I didn't get into school then I would have to wait until fall and who knows what could happen between now and next September. I didn't know if I would have the motivation to stay the course I had set out for myself. Not working has not only left me with time to catch up with The Gilmore Girls reruns, but ample time to think of all the worse case scenario if I didn't get into school. The absolute worst cases involved either having babies, living with my parents for the rest of my life, being a failure at everything including relationships and plant ownership, homelessness or eventually death by hot oil when my Jack In The Box uniform got caught in the deep fryer.

Now I can be fraught with new anxieties, but these are anxieties I can handle. It's funny; before I found out I was going to school all I wanted was a relationship. Now all I want is to get laid. I've got other things to fill my life with now, than some silly boy.

Ya gotta rub me the right way...

Here's a fact about me: I'm very flawed.

I change my mind like people change their underwear. I'm a hypocrite. I like watching the Dr. Phil show. I can be indifferent to the suffering of others, sometimes to the point of blaming them for their own misery. I can carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding. (I also love Billy Joel.) I may say I'm compromising but really I'm still figuring out how to get what I want. I'm spoiled. I'm mean. I'm selfish. I love eating meat, despite all the logical and well thought out arguments that says I shouldn't. I'm non-committal; I can't even commit to self-destruction. If you tell me not to do something, that's the surest way of guaranteeing I'll do it. I seek the validation of others, especially from the fells. I will totally disregard my friends’ well-meaning advice, and then expect them to be there for me when it blows up in my face. I'm stubborn. I'm vengeful. I'm a bad driver. I’m messy. I’m lazy. I am a bad feminist. I tell little white lies and big multi-colored lies. I don't think I can change most of these things and I'm not sure that I want to.

And I still expect to be loved despite all of my flaws. Maybe that’s the biggest flaw of them all…

Happiness is...*

-Smoking on my front porch at midnight

-Chocolate Malted Crunch Ice Cream

-Making out in my car like a teenager

-The last 20 minutes of Rudy

-Clean sheets

-Dancing to Duran Duran's Is There Something I Should Know? while taking a hot shower

-Petting Nala while watching the Daily Show

-Understanding concepts, books and movies now at thirty that I didn't when I was younger

-Having passion

-Falling asleep

-Getting a comment or email on Flickr or myspace

-Eating a big orange

-A good conversation with an interesting person

-A warm house on a cold night

-PlanetDan and Dinosaur Comics

Whew! That tuckered me out...

*Based on this book

This was how I felt at my old job...

And I think that's why I was fired.

Happy Freakin' Holidays!

Now go Elf yourself!

Ooo...mens!

I've been reading Stiffed: The Betrayal of the American Male, by Susan Faludi (who wrote one of my personal favorites, Backlash: The Undeclared War Against American Woman) which has made me think of the American man differently. As a feminist it's rather easy to say that men are oppressors, yet I've always found that to ring hallow. Most of the men in my life aren't power crazy misogynist chauvinistic pigs; rather they seem to be conflicted between the male ideal and the logic of the feminist ideal of equality. For me, feminism isn't about being equal with men, because men aren't the ideal; it's more about being the best we can be through challenging the deeply rooted concepts of sexism, racism and injustice. I would love for men to be as aware of how the ideals of the American Male are hurting them as well as the women in their lives. So read this book! I haven't finished it, but when I do I'd be willing to lend it out...

Oh and here's an article about Christian books for men from Nerve.com. My favorite quote:

...[F]or example, God's Gift to Women (the title of a manliness guide for young men), male "headship" of the American family. Women can't get enough of good headship, but a man must be careful; a woman's hunger for his headship may lead him to abuse its potency through the sin of anger. A few years ago, I learned in an evangelical magazine what to do in such a situation: push your anger down and store it inside your heart, where Jesus will work it over it until it is ready to be "released," transformed into "white-hot brother love."

That's seems healthy. Don't get angry at your ladies, keep it inside, let Jesus work it over and release it for all of your brothers. Just make sure you don't spread that "white-hot brother love" all over your face!

Kinky-bottoms!

Debbye Downer...

Steve, are you sure you want me to be your drinking buddy?

Catching up...

I plan on using the secret language of babies to take over the world. I’m fantastic at picking out gifts for other people. In fact if I were a superhero I’d be called Special Occasion and would be called to weddings and birthday parties to transform awful gifts into perfect ones. Recently, I’ve started to submit to sneezes, for the sake of the back of my skull. I really, really, really want to be an aunt. I’ve seen every episode of Rosanne. I have come to the conclusion that I’m not interested in dating, just string-less sexual encounters; now I just have to find the right guy. Ugly is the new pretty. I’ve never had a normal relationship. I used to feel bad about that until I realized that there are no normal relationships. I’ve chased strangers down and yelled at them for hurting my feelings, sometimes by car. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because it centers around eating. One of the reasons I think I’ll never get married is because I’ll never find a man who’s a feminist. I’m looking forward to my thirties, so I can justify staying home on Friday nights. I’ve gotten my father hooked on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Sex and the City and most recently, Family Guy. I’ve never bought anything from WalMart and never will. I got the spelling for my name from Miss America 1990. A part of me really likes Christmas, because I can be unapologetically cheesy, sentimental and greedy all at the same time. Rap music is our generation’s rock and roll and I love it. There’s a fantastic gay man trapped deep down inside of me and he’s slowly breaking free. Half-filled snow globes make me sad. I love Dum Dum Lollypops, especially Root Beer flavor. I’m not sure if I’m indifferent or just sleepy. I call my cat “Kitty Poo-Poos” and speak baby talk just to annoy her. I think its working. I have no single favorite movie, rather many different favorites based on genres and sub-genres. I don’t like myself right now, but I’ll get over it. I’d like to use the word ‘nog’ in everyday conversation and not just at Christmastime. My favorite smells are cinnamon, bbq, old books and vanilla. Serial killers fascinate me. I am a self-identified feminist. Sometimes during really sad songs I imagine that I’m in the middle of a movie montage because it makes my life seem more dramatic; like I’m struggling with my inner demons rather than sitting on the couch watching TV. I have major phone anxiety and want to french kiss the person who came up with text messaging. If I were brave enough to never wear make-up or shave my legs again, I would do so in a heartbeat. I still love Madonna, ABBA, Hall & Oats, Bryan Adams and Duran Duran. (And I always will!) If I ever understand why awful things happen, then I will just have to kill myself. I do believe love is a battlefield.

For Brian...

Learn it. Live it.