When You Gonna Make Up Your Mind? When You Gonna Love You As Much As I Do?

Many haters out there might say I'm spoiled. They'd be right. This is from an email my Dad sent me this morning:

"Hi Princess,

I've been thinking of you and having very good thoughts. Don't fret, you've got what it takes, just finding the right outlet (not clothing) is what really counts. I do, and will always, believe in you and will keep the faith...so you keep the faith. You have a task ahead, but try to think of it as an adventure, like you said, you certainly don't want to just sit in your apartment. I know that's not your plan, but, speaking for myself, sometimes if feel like just staying in bed, pulling the covers over my head, and letting the world do it's thing without me. Then I think about getting hungry and remember that's why I have to go out and tote that barge and lift that bale.

"Just keep going. Everybody gets better if they keep at it." (Ted Williams, baseball player, 1918-2002)

"The world shouldn't be such a tough place for Princesses." (Paul, Daddy, 1944-????)

I Love you so much it hurts,

Dad"

This Little Masochist is Lifting Up Her Dress...

Number of Job Offers In Two Weeks: 2

Number of Times Legs Shaved In Two Weeks: Twice

Number Of Times Hired In Two Weeks: Once

Price Of Work Shoes For New Job: $109.00

Number Of Times Fired In Two Weeks: Twice

Number Of Uniforms I'm Going to Piss On Before I Give Back To Shithole Up Tight Assholes Who Just Fired Me: 2

Number Of Times My Mother Had to Tell Me I'm Not A Fuck-Up: 7

Number Of Realizations About My Life I've Had In The Last Hour: 93

How Big I Feel Right Now: 4 millimeters

Mind-Crippling Fear Of Not Knowing What's Going To Happen Or What I'm Going to Do With My Life: Priceless...

Well I got let go because I wasn't the right fit. After three days these people knew I wasn't going to fit in there. I guess they know best. To me the thought of the job was better than the actual job. And as you can tell, my boss was kind of an asshole. I do agree that this job and I weren't a right fit, but fuck, I don't want to be unemployed. This is my worst fear right now and it came true. For some reason the world didn't end. I'm as shocked as you are.

I keep thinking that I'm this fuck-up and maybe I am. Maybe with this time I can take a look at my life and figure something out. So far nothing has felt right, not this job, not Wells Fargo, nothing. Maybe things shouldn't come so easy to me like they have in the past. I don't know what to think right now. I have no idea what life is going to bring which is both scary and thrilling. Of course I'll keep you posted.

Let me show you the world thru my eyes...

One might think that steel-toed working shoes would be easy to find. Low-top in black even better. But no. I actually went to a place called Boot Barn to look for a pair of those dang-blasted shoes. Boot Barn(!) for pete's-sake. A barn of boots it was not.

I even went to (*shutters) Sears. In a mall. In Montclair.

I feel so dirty.

All You Gotta Do is Hug Him, and Kiss Him, and Squeeze Him and Show Him That You Care...

Okay I have the place to live, the job, the family and friends to support and love me, now all I need is the Prince Semi-Charming to help me bring up the groceries. Finding someone is rather difficult in this day and age, especially in Los Angeles. I am an online dater which has let me meet some interesting guys but no one special. Most of them I went out with them once or twice because there was just no chemistry. Actually one was really boring and kinda racist.

I know a few people who have found someone online that has actually developed into relationships. A friend told me that it's easier to get intense while communicating online with another person. I can understand that. I've seen that with other people. But I don't want intense or five or six hour long conversations on the phone in which I find that we have everything in common. I just want to be taken out for dinner or lunch and talk about our lives. I want to be realistic and prudent.

Believe me, I know that's not romantic. Hey I want romance, but all romance in a relationship is like trying to survive on a diet of candy. Ick. I want all the major food groups! Well see...

Semi-Charmed Kinda Life...

Anyhow, I got a new job. Yeah, I'm pretty excited. I start tomorrow. More money than my last job. I'm actually doing something that has to do with my Theatre major. I'm "selling" props to studios (they don't buy them, only rent) which is pretty kick ass. Yep, I'm feeling like the shit right....about....now.

Johnny Cash and his Little Friend...

Johnny Cash and his Little Friend...
Originally uploaded by Crimpop76.

Johnny says fuck you to the weather...

There'll be Peace in the Valley...

I went to bed listening to Johnny Cash and woke up to thunder and rain. Just try and convince me there's no connection...

The End of the World

I feel like crap today. Yes, I did stay out until 4 AM last night, but this really has nothing to do with that. I just feel empty and sad. There's nothing that has bummed me out today so I can't really explain why I feel so bad. Yes, there have been minor annoyances, but this big square box of ick has been living in my chest all week. And the crying! At books, poetry, tv, movies...

Maybe it has to do with being fired, out of shape and having no boyfriend. Maybe it's PMS. Maybe it's because I got high last night and I'm coming down hard. I'm not sure right now. I just want some chocolate and for this day to end.

Ouch. I have done it again...

I'm such a dork. I had a job interview that went very well, but it wore me out. I hate all that pressure of trying to impress someone who I've just met but holds all this power over me. After I came home I took a nap and completely forgot about my friend Aaron's play. And I can't go tomorrow because I'm going to see Tori Amos in concert. I just plain suck!

The Truth's unkind, I've come to find that so am I...

On my first day of unemployment I took a few naps, watched some daytime television, ate some Chinese food, did the dishes, took out the trash, paid some bills, set up a job interview and set up a bookcase. I think I was more productive today than I ever was at work...

I'm going to my parents house for the next few days to avoid sitting around my apartment feeling sorry for myself. Also, I want to keep my energy bill down by using my folk's air conditioning. Hey, they have jobs!

Try to make some Money then you die.

Okay here's what happened. At 6:30 AM, My supervisor pulled me into an office to tell me that HR was the last link in my chain of indignity that was slowly choking me to death (I'm using my own words.) I go to my desk, clock in and just wait. As I wait I decide to clean out my desk to throw out anything incriminating. My co-worker says that she needs to do that to soon. I said that it would be a good idea. Then I go on my break at 8:30 AM (yes TWO hours after I started.)
When I come back my supervisor pulled me back into an office and basically told me that I was terminated because I missed too many days of work (I was on formal and thought I had some time off but I didn't.) At that point I just wanted to get to my car so I could cry, good and proper. My supervisor walked my down to the front door, told me what to expect in my last paycheck, gave me a hug and left me to walk to my car.
Driving home I felt so dumb for crying over a job I hated so I started laughing really loud. I must have been a sight, driving down the 101 freeway laughing and crying like the crazies I encounter in Hollywood. All I wanted at that point was to take my pants off, get into bed and watch afternoon TV. So I did.

That is the story of the day I was fired from Wells Fargo Bank. Thank You.

Try to make ends meet...

In about ten minutes I find out if I still have a job or not. I have to meet with my supervisor and her supervisor which I'm not looking forward to at all. The thing is that I'm not sad about losing this job, it's more about not having any money coming in that freaks me out. I really can't stand this job, but it paid pretty well for what I had to do. Now there is a damn woman in the breakroom when I want to sit around and feel sorry for myself. Do you know how hard that is to do with someone else in the room? Self-pity is a solitary act.
Okay now I have five minutes. Shit. I am so fucked. I just want to get this humiliation over with as soon as possible. I just feel awful and my digestive system is going crazy. I feel like I'm going to puke.
My boss was so sweet and nice which really freaked me out. Give me the cold shoulder! I feel like I'm breaking up with someone I don't really love, but stay with for the fact that I have someone to sleep with every night. Okay, here I go. Wish me luck.

Suck, Suck, Suckity, Suck...

The Good News:

I'm off the entire weekend...

The Bad News:

And the rest of my week, because most likely, I don't have a job anymore...

I hide like a coward, although I feel strong...

Yesterday I spent the whole day at two different Ikeas (is that the proper form of multiple Ikea?) trying to find a coffee table that I liked. I know that to buy furniture from Ikea is like having the same living room as everyone else, but the price is right and the stuff is much more attractive than Living Space. In the end I bought a Billy bookcase, coffee table, rug, wardrobe and storage boxes. Now my apartment is finally looking like a home.
I started to exchange photographs and letters from one box to an (exciting! new! happy! special!) Ikea box. That meant taking a little trip down memory lane. Most of the items were from the mid to late 1990's when I was a fundie Christian. I have pictures of people I don't even remember. I have pictures of people I still talk to who are very different now than when the pictures were taken. I have birthday cards, letters I receive when I was a camp counselor, some school documents and high school notes. At one time I would've cringed and avoid reading these items, but now after all I've been through I read them with a sense of amusement. Dare I say, a sense of love? Love for that girl that I was back then who believed so hard in something that she was willing to make a grand fool of herself. For a girl who loved with all of her heart even if she wasn't very good at showing it to those she loved. For a girl who went a different route than just about everyone else around her. I guess I do love her because she is the reason I'm here today.

Okay I'm gonna stop talking in the third person, because it's even creeping me out...

With a Little Help from my Friends...

I struggled for about eight minutes to put a 100 lbs bookshelf on a cart with wheels. Everytime I moved, the damn cart would move. I even started to work up a sweat. And you know what? Not one damn person stopped to ask me if I needed help. No wonder we have such problems in our country...

I Hate You So Much Right Now! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!

You know what? I hope that after the water is drained, the bodies are recovered, and the people get settled into some kind of normal life that we still remain angry. So angry that we just don't sit passively by and let our country turn into the shameful place that I fear it is becoming. We need to question the government and it's actions before that right is quietly taken away from us. We need to get loud and make everyone uncomfortable.

Vacation, all I ever wanted...

Three wonderful days off...

Day one, Saturday: Woke up. Did some laundry. Ran two miles. Got ready to go to Shawna's Passion Party. Realized I was forty-five minutes late to pick up Kathy. Drove to the Inland Empire. Became instantly depressed. Got to Shawna's condo ate some snacks and drank some boozed up punch. Became drunk instantly. Rubbed some nasty smelling lotions on various parts of my body. Made some off-color jokes about the penis size of an old lover. Applied creme that made my vagina minty fresh. Mourned the loss of my dignity. Laughed until I almost peed my pants while Kathy wore a strap on. Took pictures of Kathy while wearing said strap on. Bought a Silver Bullet and book about how to give head. Left Shawna's place and went to Starbucks with Kathy and Jennifer. Talked about old times and laughed a lot. Almost fell asleep while driving home. Made it home safe.

Day Two, Sunday: Woke up at 10:00 AM which amazed even myself. Cleaned up my apartment. Cleaned up my apartment. Then I cleaned up my apartment. Went to Kathy's house. Michael answered the door to tell me Kathy and Becky weren't there. Sat in silence while Michael watched "Sin City". Kathy and Becky came back. Gave Becky smoky eyes. Jennifer and Angela showed up. Went to dinner. Made Angela laugh so hard she did a spit take. Felt a pride I have never known. Went to my apartment. Walked to club. Was told I couldn't bring my camera in club. Had to walk to my apartment. Rubbed the skin off my heel. Felt rather sorry for myself. Changed shoes. Becky wondered if Kathy would be mad if we decided to stay and watch a movie. Realized that the Wrath of Kathy would be more than we could handle. Went back to club. New shoes were so wonderful I wanted to kick my ass for not wearing them in the first place. Made it back to club. Walked past line like I was Paris Hilton. Found Kathy, Jen and Angela. Bought my first Jack and Coke. Danced. Tried to catch the eye of a hottie. but I think he had a date. Saw Richard Blade. Bought my second Jack and Coke. Sat down on couch. Bored. Decided to get drunk. Bought my third Jack and Coke. Becky witness to some crazy guy. He told her that Jesus will let one own ten Mexicans if one becomes a Christian. Left club. Hung out at apartment for a while. Took off bra. Everyone left. Went to sleep at 3:00 AM.

Day Three, Monday: Woke up and lazed around the house. Cleaned out my car. Accidently broke a bottle of wine all over the front seat of my car. Misplaced my keys. Had panic attack while looking for keys. Found keys. Left for my parents house. Hit traffic. Saw dead body on freeway. Contemplated life, death and fate. Bought some Taco Bell. Made it to my parents house. Cut some ribbon. Bitched about George Bush with my Dad. Did some more laundry. Left for home. Realized that car smelled like winery. Hoped that I didn't get pulled over and get arrested for drunk driving. Went to bed at midnight.

Now back to the daily grind...

I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real...

I am just overwhelmed by what is happening in aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. There are people who have no food or water, not to mention they have no place to live. And it seems like no one is helping them. How are these people going to rebuild their lives? Why isn't anyone helping them? Why don't they have food or water? My heart is broken for those people.

New Wave Girl with Purple Earring

New Wave Girl with Purple Earring
Originally uploaded by Crimpop76.

Nu, na, nu, na, nu, na, nu, na...Batman!

Usually I only get about five and a half hours of sleep a night, so when the opportunity to get a full nights sleep comes up I, for lack of a better word, jump. On those nights I usually have vivid dreams that leave me rather puzzled. Last night I had a dream that my friends Kathy and Mana and I were at a resturant. For some reason I became obsessed with finding Micheal Keaton, who I was told worked at this resturant. After much searching I finally found Mr. Keaton and made him sign, "You are Batman" on a pillow.

Now I wake up wondering what could possibly be going on in my sub-concious that would nuture a dream such as that one. For a while I was having zombie dreams, which I believe comes from a fear of becoming a mindless drone due to working in the coorporate world. Then in one dream I actually became a zombie and I found the zombie world was just like the non-zombie world, except with pasty skin and more moaning. What I was scared of had happened and it wasn't that bad. That is something I have been scared of for so long, fucking up my life by making the wrong choice. But whatever I choose in life it's not a matter of right or wrong, but can I live with the results. Since then I've been able to watch zombie movies.