My mother wanted to treat me to a pedicure because I was going to give up my busy day off to wait for the treadmill repair-person. Since I get off work at 2:30 and she gets off at 4:30 I had a few hours to spare in my old neighborhood, Montclair. The nail salon was right next to the mall so I thought, hey I’ll get some errands done.
First I had to make a payment to my Macy’s credit card. All Macy’s look alike so I had this instant flashback to a year ago when I was a rather unhappy employee at the department store. I was just moving into what I call “the cave”, a room in a Koreatown apartment with the Korean version of Ken and Barbie. I was rather excited about getting out of the suburbs but would later come to realize that living with complete strangers is about as appealing at driving a minivan. I was miserable.
I go to the purse department for a moment and realize that I need a new purse. I have very specific needs in a purse. First it has to have one deep pocket, because nothing is worse than searching through twenty different compartments to find your keys. Next it can’t be poorly made or look cheap, hey I’m shallow. And finally it can’t have too many bells and whistles; I like a classic simple design. Of course the only purse I like turns out to be the Jlo brand and cost $174. Defeated I head off to make my payment.
Anyhow, I headed to the men’s department because it’s usually pretty empty on weekdays. Of course I get the skinny gay overly friendly sales associate, every Macy’s has at least one, who tries to make small talk. I can’t stand small talk, but have gotten better at it over the years so I indulge. He gave me a wink and I’m on my way.
Next on the list was to replace my Clinique Stay Buff 01 (stay-matte sheer pressed powder oil free) compact. One thing I hate more than sales associate small talk are the girls at the make-up counter. They were always like the popular girls in high school, too much make-up and a sense of self-importance, so I decided to go to Nordstrom.
Of course Nordstrom is on the other side, so I have venture out to the mall. When I see Hot Topic I had this strange compulsion to go inside. It’s just the Marilyn Munster in me. I see something I want to buy my friend Kathy for her up coming birthday. I thought about buying a tee-shirt but decided I was too old.
I get to Nordstrom and get distracted by the purses, again. I am drawn to the Kate Spades, but decide that they look too old for me. Finally I see a beautiful leather hobo in teal that I liked until I looked at the price tag ($241, not too bad but out of my price range for now). Again defeated I again look for my Clinique compact.
Okay, I am a big ol’geek. There was a crowd of people standing around the MAC counter and no people by the Clinique. That made me very self-conscious and I just couldn’t bring myself to go to the counter. One reason is that the gals at the Clinique counter might get so excited that someone wants their product that they might try to do a dreaded mall make-over on me. Plus the woman at the Kohl’s (right next to Clinique) counter was staring at the MAC counter with such intensity that it kinda creeped me out.
So I go to Robinson’s-May and finally the Goldilock’s of make-up counters! It was just right. I go and ask for my compact and the girl behind the counter asked if I was sure if that was the right shade for me. A moment of insecurity made me pause and say,” I don’t know? I’m pretty pale and it seems to work.” She seemed satisfied and I gave myself an internal kick in the ass for giving a crap what she thinks of me. She goes to get my make up and I feel great that I have accomplished something. She returns only to tell me that they ran out of that compact and will get a new shipment next week.
This only means one thing…I have to go to Macy’s to get my make-up! Ingoring the irony of the situation for the moment I headed back to Macy’s and finally got my compact. I realized that the only way I can feel better about being a raging dork is to go to the bookstore where I can be with my people. Also I can get some coffee which will make the empty feelings go away.
But the mall had one final indignity waiting for me! I was walking to the parking lot when a woman handed me a small piece of paper. I looked at it and it said, I kid you not,
“We are looking for 75 people who want to lose weight! Join us in a weight loss study.”
WHAT THE FUCK!!?? I turned around and yelled out, “fuck you” to that damn lady and her damn flyer. Then I crumbled it up and threw it in the trash. I know I’ve gained a bit of weight, but by Montclair standards I’m still pretty slim. I headed off to my car angry and wanting a chocolate shake. I’m not fucking fat. Damn bitch.
