Sad news for Generation Xers

Paul "Principal Vernon" Gleason, from the movie The Breakfast Club, died today at age 67.

"You mess with the bull, you get the horns"

I must admit...

I love not working. I have time to read and think. It's lovely.

A few of my favorite things to do with my time:

~Learning new vocab words. Obstreperous. Paladin. Uxorious. Impecunious. Myopia. Good stuff.

~Putting on loads of make-up and taking pictures of myself.

~Going to Museums. Okay, so I haven't done this one yet, but I will.

~ Reading Poetry. I'm just nuts about verse.

~ Watching Oprah. I'm almost thirty and I can love her if I want to.

~ Staying up all night. Not really a favorite thing to do, but I seem to do it anyway.

~ Finding neat stuff online. Like these quotes:

Everyone's just laughing at me. I hate it. Big breasts, big ass, big deal, Can't I be anything else ? Gee, how long can you be sexy? ~ Marilyn Monroe

To have survived, she would have had to be either more cynical or even further from reality than she was. Instead, she was a poet on a street corner trying to recite to a crowd pulling at her clothes. ~ Arthur Miller on Marilyn Monroe

~ Rediscovering my inner-feminist. She is back and she's mad!

It must be because of the season...

I'm going to stop only using lyrics as titles for my posts. I have been doing this since I started over a year and half ago. There have been many times I just wanted to come up with my own title, but would be compelled to keep up with the lyrics. I had committed to the lyrics and it felt wrong somehow to stop. The more I thought about it the more lame it sounded. This made me realize that I can only commit to the utterly ridiculous.

For example:

~ When I was a girl I would spend hours on my back with my feet in the air trying to flip a pillow without using my hands. I had it in my head that if I learning how to flip a pillow with my feet would I would be the Queen of Cool. I did this for months. My parents, god bless them, would never question or try to talk me out of my determined pillow-flipping trance. They would just go about their business while their crazy daughter flipped a fucking pillow over and over again.
The saddest thing is that with all of this training, I never got much better than tossing the pillow up in the air and catching it with my feet. I never did learn how to flip that damn pillow. Eventually I realized it was stupid and stopped my bid for Amazing Foot-Only Pillow Flipper, Queen of Cool.

~ My mother absolutely refused to let me get my ears double pierced. This is the woman who let me leave the house and/or go to school with crotch-less fishnets as a shirt, garter-belts with thigh highs under a pleated plaid skirt and a jean jacket with a hula dancing half-naked Betty Book with a strategically placed lai (not at the same time, of course.) But, to my mom, double pierced ears were tacky. This infuriated me to no end! Thus, from the age of thirteen, I was determined to get an extra pair of holes in my head.
Because I was under age I couldn't get them professionally pierced without her permission and I was too chicken to do it myself; so I came up with a plan! The day I turned eighteen I was going to get my ears double pierced! Then I would boldly walk up to my mother and show off my new accessories. HA!
So, on November 2, 1994, I got my ears double pierced! I proudly marched up to my mother and showed her my ears. She just grimaced, said, "It's just gross" and walked away. What a let down! The holes ended up getting infected and being more trouble than they're worth. But don't tell my mom I said so...

~ At the age of 17 I became a born-again Christian. By the age of 22 my beliefs had started to falter, so in a desire to prove my faith I got a Christian tattoo on my lower back. It’s a sun with "Judges 5:31" in the middle (look it up your own damn self.) Now I have a reminder of a time when I actually believed in a book that claimed that a man walked on water, women were responsible for just about everything bad and sex before marriage was a sin.
I believe the only people who are truly affected by last ditch effort to commit to religion are the fella’s who end up doing it doggy-style with me. "Wanna desecrate my temple, baby?" is a great pick up line by the way. But it only works on atheists.

~ The biggest lamest commitment of all was when I spent five years in college as a theatre major. With only five classes to go I realized that a) I'm not an actor, b) I'm not a tech person and c) I don't even like theatre that much. But I was committed! I ended up so sick of school and this lame major I left with only seven units left. HA! Fuck you theatre department!

I think I make commitments so I can break them to feel like a rebel nonconformist waving both middle fingers at the world.

So there.

by the dawn's early light

by the dawn's early light
Originally uploaded by Crimpop76.
For some reason this picture makes me think of this Jacques-Louis David Painting. Go figure.

Bored beyond belief

Bored beyond belief
Originally uploaded by Crimpop76.

If MaryAnn were to drink the radioactive water in the lagoon.

Okay....

So I'm still up at 3 AM. Again.

I have insomnia. So what!?

Also, there's a weird clicking, whistle sound outside my window. It's scaring me.

And it's damn hot! I'm practically down to my all together and I'm still dewy.

But I put my hair in two side ponytails and I look a bit like MaryAnn from Gilligan's Island. You just have to take my word on that.

He's so fine

Did anyone see Anderson Cooper on Oprah? He's had some tough shit happen to him over his life. Just makes me want to sit on his lap and nibble on his ear.

Just to comfort him, of course.

Any way you want it...that's the way you need it...

It's good to know at least I have options (thanks to match.com):

Hi my name is Shane ,,,,,,,, Your really hott and if sometime your filling horny and want to fuck email me back and we can do that,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I'll give it to you anyway you want
xoxoxoxo Shane

How did he know the double "t" in hot, misspelling and poor grammar make me "fill" horny? Fill it to the top...

I still haven't found what I'm looking for

Today is a special day for me.

According to my calculations, it has been one year to the day since I've had sex.

Now, you may be asking yourself why someone would do this to herself. I've asked myself the same question many, many times over the last year. It started out as a reaction to a guy I dated who had Scott Peterson-like behavior; you know, too good to be true so there must be a dead wife somewhere. I was willing to overlook the jackass signals in exchange for having someone around telling me that I was an interesting and wonderful person. We had a nice month together and then he disappeared. When I confronted him on this he turned it around to make me feel guilty for not trusting him; then he lied to me. The final nail in the coffin was an awkward conversation in which he told me he was raped by a girl and my "hyper-sexuality" had scared him. Okay, freak.

The though of letting some creepy guy into my life turned me off of sex for the first few months. Then my life just turned into this stream of firings, car accidents, family dramas and depression-inducing self-reflection. I just wasn’t in the mood to go find some guy to date, get to know and then eventually have a sexual relationship. No way. I didn’t even have the energy to work out.

Sure, eventually I wanted to have sex. And I had opportunities to have sex if I really wanted to make the effort. But it got to the point that celibacy became more attractive than restarting my old sex life. I realized that I didn’t like investing my feeling into guys who could just disregard me. Who could just stop talking to me. Who wouldn’t miss me if I were gone. I couldn’t give these men my body and then respect myself afterwards. I guess I’m afraid of getting hurt again.

After an entire year I find I have no conclusion. There wasn't a moment elucidation that can sum up this experience for me. I know I’ve changed in this past year, but I’m not sure if not having sex is a part of it or just a effect of another cause in my life. All I know is sex looks different to me. It stopped being fun.

Black and white and red all over

Black and white and red all over
Originally uploaded by Crimpop76.

The book is called "Hiding from Humanity". I can relate.

Book Whore

Originally uploaded by Crimpop76.

Boredom and Unemployment are strange bedfellows.

Kudos!

To Mariah Carey.

From crazy and half naked to endorsing Pepsi while half naked.

Way to make a come back, Mariah!

Promise of a new day

Dove lotion claims that women have a natural glow. That is a load of bollocks. Women don't have natural glowing properties. We're made up of the same biological material of the non-glowing male population. No, you see I'm somehow expected to glow like a fucking angel because Dove lotion wants to make money.

This fact is so clear to me now as I sit with a bag of frozen berry mix on my belly. Why do I have a bag of frozen berry mix on my belly? Because I'm on my period and I only have Midol and Tylenol PM. One has caffeine and the other has a soporific effect. Neither is desirable at 4:42 in the morning. At this present moment have no desire or ability to glow whether it's for myself or some man in my life. If this glow is a natural part of womanhood, shouldn't it just exist? Why do I need lotion for this effect?

Anyways, I feel more like a woman at this moment than if I were to immerse myself in a vat of Dove lotion. So fuck off.

Tiny Bubbles...

I agree with you Aaron, the best game ever!

I'm on my way, just set me free! (revised)

My dad likes Pink. Not the color, the singer. He likes her honesty and straight forwardness. I found great amusement in this new development which I believe slightly offended him. Maybe he's insecure about being a 62 year old man listening to Pink, but I think who the fuck should care? At least it's not Hillary Duff.

In other news, I am moving back to Montclair within the next few months. I wanted to tell my friends first, but none of them returned my calls. So, surprise! I wanted to go back to school, to get my BA in Behavioral Science and then go for my M.A. in Psychology, but didn't know how I was going to get that done. My folks offered the big bedroom which they have been using as a TV room since their nest became empty (don't ask.) It has its own bathroom at least and I'll be saving money not paying for rent and bills. Uh oh, I'm going to be a professional student! Ack!

I was seven units away from a BA in Theatre Arts and very burnt out when I decided to try the real world. I had given a brief thought about finishing up and going to graduate school. The problem was that my GPA was so dreadfully low when I left that I couldn't imagine a decent graduate program that would accept me. So, I went into the real world and found the pink-collar ghetto so abhorrent that my only true answer is to go back to school. I'm not a business person or creative enough to be some kind of artist, so I'll talk to people for a living. My ultimate dream is to start a non-profit that would somehow empower young women through developing the selves (self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect) and encouraging education.

We'll have a gay ol' time

I am confused.

First there was this guy in college who would damn near hunt me down so we could have flirty banter. Then there was this guy from high school who was in about every play that was produced. Finally there was George Michael who sang about want my sex.

The common thread, I was completely off about their sexuality.

S. and I would give each other the longing stares and lingering hugs. I really enjoyed the innocent playfulness of our flirting and never wondered why this six foot tall, blond hair, blue eyed babe never had a girlfriend. Until a few weeks ago when my friend told me that S. finally came out of the closet. Now it all made since! There was this time about four years ago when there was this party and I was going to make a move on the young lad. I snuggled up to him and started rubbing my hand up and down his neck. When he didn't respond I shrugged it off and looked for another boy to play with (I was a bit slutty back then.) When there were no desirable prospects I went looking for S. and found him passed out on the couch.

That was the only night I considered making a move on S. Well, okay, I just never got the opportunity again. And now I find he's gay which explains alot.

The one who I thought was gay just turns out to be artistic. He was the lead in every play and had a strange asexuality about him. My friends and I just thought he was gay. I mean why not? Theater + singer + dreamy + nice to me = gay (at least when I was in high school.) Now I find on myspace that he's straight. Now I know what you're thinking, he just may not have come out of the closet yet. But at 31 I think someone would know if they're straight or gay, especially on myspace.

So he's straight, which explains nothing.

George Michael, I think that explains itself.

I wonder how off I've been in the past...

All over the girl

Just checking in...

1. Name: Debbye
2. height: 5'3
3. Hair color: Reddish-Brown
4. Hair length: Past my shoulders
5. Hair style: Conservative Shag
6. Eye color: Chocolate brown
7. Shoe size: 7 ½
8. mood: Slightly Grumpy
9. sexuality: I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body
10.virgin: No, but it's been so long it might've grown back

10 LOVE LIFE

1. Have you ever been in love: Yep

2. Do you believe in love? Yep, I believe that love exists

3. Why did your last relationship fail?: Well, I was seeing someone and he wanted to see another girl, so...

4. Have you ever been heartbroken?: Yes, quite a few times. But not always in terms of love have I had my heartbroken. Life is heartbreaking at times

5. Have you ever broken someones heart?: Not that I know of, but maybe? My mom's?

6. Have you ever fallen for your best friend?: No.

7. Are you planning on getting married?: Eh...

8. Are you afraid of commitment?: I don't always make the best choices when it comes to relationships, so that makes me afraid of commitment.

9.Would you ever get married to someone of the same sex?: Yes, if every man on earth suddenly disappeared.

10. Would you ever have sex with someone of the same sex?: Yes, sure. Why not?


10 PREFERENCES (do you prefer to be?)

1. love or lust?: Right now, lust
2. Single or Taken?: Single
3. night or day?: Night
4. hook-ups or relationship?: Somewhere in-between.
5. tv or internet?: TV
6. Pepsi or coke?: Coke
7. wild night out or romantic night in?: Night in.
8. Saturday or Sunday?: Saturday
9. Chocolate or Vanilla?: Chocolate
10. Phone or in person?: In Person

10 HAVE YOU EVERS

1. Have you ever been caught sneaking out?: No
2. Have you ever skinny dipped?: Yes
3. Have you ever done something you regret?: Not really
4. Have you ever bungee jumped?: No, because it's stupid
5. Have you ever been on a house boat?: Yes
6. Have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker?: Yes
7. Have you ever wanted someone so badly it hurt?: Yes and I have the scars to prove it
8. Have you ever stayed up all night till the sun came up?: Yes
9. Have you ever been caught by your parents with a hickey? Yes, but I was an adult which is somehow sadder.
10. Have you ever been caught by your parents doing anything more than making out?: No, thank the lord

10 ARE YOU'S

1. Are you missing someone right now?: Yes
2. Are you in love with anyone?: No
3. Are you happy?: I'm a bit sad right now
4. Are you talking to anyone right now?: No. But I am talking to someone I might want to date. This question is rather ambiguous...
5. Are you bored?: Yes
6. Are you German?: Yep
8. Are you Italian?: Nope
9. Are your parents still married?: Yes for 39 years this summer

Upside down you turn me

Last Two Weeks...

Highlights:

~ Afore mentioned perfect cup of coffee
~ My new hair cut which makes me look like a country singer from the 80's first thing in the morning.
~ The most recent episode of Lost. Holy plot twist!
~ Being referred to as "Walking Sin" by my friend Steve.
~ Having plenty to do even though I have nothing to do.
~ Finding a pair of Evangelical Jeans
~ Being able to read, go out with my friends and sleep in. Just like college.
~ An entire three day weekend my hetero-life partner Kathy.

Lowlights:

~ Awful Date!! Awful Date!! Awful Date!!
~ Having to tell the story of my recent sacking over and over again. I actually go from jovial to bitter in 3.5 seconds.
~ Indulging in bad habits like staying up until 2:30 AM, not eating, and not washing my hair for three days.
~ Having free time but no money.
~ Eating everything in my kitchen because I have to use my money for things like rent and bills. Last night I ate vegetarian beans mixed with whole wheat spaghetti and sugar-free Jell-O for dessert.
~ Feeling a need to figure out the rest of my life just so my mom won't worry. But the truth is I really have no idea.

Post Date Let Down

Post Date Let Down
Originally uploaded by Crimpop76.

And to make things worse, there's no soft core porn on cable tonight.

Don't come around here no more

Oh boy.

I went on another date tonight and this time with Jorge, who designs the art for video games. Yeah, I won't be seeing him again. First of all he got drunk and kept touching me. At one point he started arguing with me and said I was "flawed". Finally in complete silence we walked to my car and he tried to kiss me so I had to jerk the head to the side so he wouldn't kiss my lips. You know it's a bad date when you sing a little song in your car about how glad you are the date is over. I called mine, "Oh thank god that date is over and I'm going home!"

It's the same complaint over and over again: he wasn't very smart, or interesting or engaging; I wasn't attracted to him; he kept trying to look down my shirt. He actually got annoyed with me when I asked him to tell me more about himself. Sorry, I thought people enjoyed talking about themselves, especially men. Isn't that what a date is? Letting people know who you are? Silly me.

Well, I'm talking to another guy, David. We haven't set a date yet, but it's bound to happen sooner or later. You know, when you fall off the horse, you should get right back on. Especially when you haven't ridden a horse in a year.